9 Powerful Lessons I Learned from Toxic and Problematic Relationships

Here’s hoping you learn these lessons easier than I did

I’d love to be one of those people who from positive, life-affirming experiences rather than toxic and problematic ones. How we learn is often indicative of how we were raised, what we experienced, our attachment style, our personality, and how we developed communication, boundaries, and self-worth.

Frankly, I was born stubborn. My mom likes to tell the story of how I ran out into the snow as a child without a coat or shoes, was brought inside and punished, and ran right back out to do it again. I believe I was two at the time. It’s just one illustration — of many — about how I had to learn the hard way.

And she’s not wrong. My whole life, I’ve had this deep core of tenacity. Naturally driven, I tended to do things my way when — in truth — another way might have been the wiser course of action. This isn’t a brag, humble or otherwise. While it has its advantages, it also causes me to get in my way at times and make poor decisions.

9 Powerful Lessons Learned from Toxic Relationships

This was also true when it came to romantic relationships. I ignored red flags, jumped in with both feet and got burned a lot. But I did learn. It took a while sometimes, but every relationship taught me something I needed to know about myself. I won’t say that I was grateful for every single experience I’m about to describe, but what I will offer is my experience in hopes that it can help others avoid the lessons I had to learn the hard way.

1. A Person’s Friends Are Their Reflection

I should have learned this one early and well, but we all know I didn’t. If a person we date has friends one would characterize as being “assholes” or some other unflattering term, we’ve just learned something about their character. A person’s friends are their reflection. The people they spend time with say a lot about who they are as a person.

I noticed one former partner’s friends were all about obscure music, dumb jokes, and porn. The obscure music wasn’t a problem, although their attitudes about it crossed the line into judgmental territory. I should have paid more attention to the dumb jokes and obsession with porn. It indicated serious immaturity and rampant misogyny.

Let me be clear here: I don’t have a problem with dumb jokes in general. It was the tone and content that I questioned. I like a good dad joke as much as the next person, but jokes that make women the target are a problem. I also don’t have an issue with the use of porn as long as it involves consenting adults and doesn’t promote violence. But the fact that these people were hyper-focused on both problematic jokes and pornography probably illustrated some character issues in the person I was dating. They could have talked about porn outside of my presence and chose not to even when it made me uncomfortable.

This is just one, small example. Another person I dated had friends who all described him differently than the person I was getting to know. I should have paid attention to the stories of womanizing, drug and alcohol abuse, and a tendency to get into fights as a grown man. I couldn’t make it fit with the person I knew, so I didn’t try. What I should have done was run.

The friends are a reflection of their character. If we don’t like their friends, there’s something problematic in their character we need to know about. It usually leads to bigger problems down the road.

The lesson? If you don’t like their friends, it’s a red flag.

“It’s no good pretending that any relationship has a future if your record collections disagree violently or if your favorite films wouldn’t even speak to each other if they met at a party.” ~Nick Hornby

2. Separate Finances Won’t Prevent Financial Conflict

For long-term relationships where we share space, we might think that keeping separate finances will protect us from the other person’s spending habits and relationship with money. We might even think that not being legally tied to that person will protect us. Not so. I learned that separate finances without full disclosure can be a problem of their own.

We need to have frank conversations about finances with the people we date. We need to be aware of their debt, spending, and savings habits, and how they’re planning for the future. We need to know if they have a budget and if they pay their bills on time — or at least make every attempt to do so. We need to talk about this because it lets us know about their values and if they are compatible with our own.

A person with a poor relationship with money will often drag us down despite our best intentions. I’ve learned this lesson the hard way more than once. We need to have boundaries around our finances, but we also need to know how our partner handles theirs.

With this being said, I will always advocate for women to have an outside emergency savings account. From bitter experience, I’ve learned that it pays to have an exit strategy and to never be financially reliant on anyone else. I’m sure some man is wading into the comments section on this one, but women have issues of safety to worry about, not just financial security.

The lesson? Talk frankly about finances but don’t become overly reliant on anyone else.

“Trust is built in very small moments, which I call ‘sliding door’ moments. In any interaction, there is a possibility of connecting with your partner or turning away from your partner. One such moment is not important, but if you’re always choosing to turn away, then trust erodes in a relationship- very gradually, very slowly.” ~John Gottman

3. Relationship Skills Grow in Practice, Not in Theory

In one relationship that wasn’t toxic but was somewhat problematic, I found that the relationship skills I had learned while single would do no good if I didn’t practice them in the context of the relationship. We’re all great in relationships when those relationships are hypothetical. I learned to practice better communication within a relationship where I felt safe.

It wasn’t easy. Most of the time, it was still painful. But I used the skills I had learned — asking for what I needed, communicating clearly, addressing problems directly, and fighting fairly. I got better because I kept trying. I didn’t always practice these skills perfectly, but I didn’t quit. It made me a better person and partner, and it elevated our relationship communication.

It seems obvious, but sometimes, we get into relationships, and we start to let things slide. We don’t confront the problems. We ignore red flags. We let resentment fester below the surface of our relationships. We’re strong partners in theory, but in practice, we’re falling into our former routines and sabotaging even the best relationships. If we want to have healthy relationships, we need to take our lessons out of the realm of theory and put them into practice regularly.

The lesson? Practice the hard relationship skills in relationships to have better ones.

“Happily ever after simply means that both partners are known, valued, accepted for who they are and who they are becoming. The goal is to be able to love your partner more deeply each and every year you’re together.” ~John M. Gottman

4. Accountability Matters

Too many times, I believed a partner’s version of their lives. I believed them when they recounted relationships where someone wronged them. I held their hands and listened to their victim mentality without questioning it. It took a long time for me to realize how I had made myself a victim, too, in some of my own stories. By that time, I realized that accountability matters and someone who is forever the victim will inevitably make us the villain if things go wrong.

I began rewriting my own stories to add to personal accountability. I took ownership of my choices. I also began to think critically about how people present themselves in the stories of their lives. Accountability matters, and when they can’t take personal responsibility for the choices they make, we already know that it will be a problem in any future relationship. We aren’t the exception.

Now, when someone puts all the blame solely on their ex, I take a step back and look at this information. I don’t just assume their ex was a terrible person. I’ve been the ex described that way despite all evidence to the contrary. Instead, I consider that (a) they’re not mature enough or far enough along their healing journey to have processed their role in the relationship, and (b) they aren’t ready for their next relationship until they have done so — at least, not with me.

The lesson? A person who plays the victim will make us the villain (and dodge accountability during the relationship, too).

“There are only two kinds of people who can drain your energy: those you love, and those you fear. In both instances it is you who let them in. They did not force their way into your aura, or pry their way into your reality experience.” ~Anthon St. Maarten

5. The Content of Their Character Lies in Their Conversation

This one should seem obvious, but it’s not always. I once dated someone who had a particularly problematic behavior. He would criticize women in public. For how they dressed, talked, and behaved. He didn’t just do it to real-life women. He also did it to women in television and movies. He always saw them in the worst light.

This was a major clue to his character, but I dismissed it. I looked at it as a difference of opinion rather than seeing the underlying misogyny. To him, women who wore flattering clothing were attention-seeking sluts. Successful women only cared about money. Women enjoyed being pursued by multiple men and used men for what they could get—noticing a theme here? It took a while before I pieced it together.

What ended up happening is that he didn’t ever extend compliments because he claimed it would give me “an ego” (read: self-worth). If I dressed up, I was seeking the attention of other men. If I questioned his spending habits, all I cared about was money. If I wanted sex within the relationship, I was a slut. The misogyny was there all along, but I only took real issue with it when it became aimed at me. I should have taken issue with it when it was aimed at the celebrity on television early in the relationship, but instead, I dismissed it.

While this applies to women in particular, I can see how it would also apply to issues of race, gender, and orientation as well. Someone who has a toxic attitude about issues related to our identity raises many concerns. For instance, a racist who dates people of color is still a racist. We can dismiss the underlying hints of their values, but only to our detriment.

The lesson? Don’t try to knit their problematic words into a nice red scarf.

“I want to be in a relationship where you telling me you love me is just a ceremonious validation of what you already show me.” ~Steve Maraboli, Life, the Truth, and Being Free

6. Sometimes, Toxic is Just a Fancy Word for Abusive

One of the harder lessons I learned is that we sometimes characterize things as toxic and abusive. This will be one of the most painful lessons of all. The ex who constantly criticized my character wasn’t just toxic — he was verbally and emotionally abusive. It started small, but it became significantly damaging. When he added in the gaslighting, my self-worth had taken such a hit that I couldn’t see what was happening.

We use some words far too liberally — narcissist comes to mind. But we don’t use some words enough. It was hard to admit that I was in an abusive relationship because I didn’t see myself as a victim or as a person who would tolerate abuse. The truth is, I couldn’t heal from abuse until I could admit it had happened to me.

We need to be teaching others how to recognize the warning signs. The mean jokes are abusive. The constant criticism is abusive. I experienced constant character assassination, and instead of running like hell, I tried to figure out how I had ended up with this guy in the first place. In the end, who they were in the beginning doesn’t matter. When the abuse starts, we need to get help. If they’re willing to go to counseling, staying might be an option but only if they plan to do the real, hard work of learning to be healthy. Otherwise, we need to run and not look back.

The lesson? The toxic relationship you’re in might really be abusive. Please get help.

“Love is supposed to lift you up, not hold you down. It is supposed to push you forward, not hold you back.” ~Suzy Kassem, Rise Up and Salute the Sun: The Writings of Suzy Kassem

7. Unmanaged Trauma Will Damage Our Relationships

The fact is that unmanaged trauma will damage both healthy and unhealthy relationships. My unhealed state kept me stuck in abusive and toxic relationships. I felt frozen — unhappy to stay, unable to go. All the terrible things I secretly believed about myself due to trauma were reinforced. In healthy relationships, my anxiety didn’t just disappear. The slightest change in tone would send me spiraling. I can imagine how hard that was to deal with when every small shift resulted in a difficult conversation to manage my anxiety.

Trauma doesn’t just go away or get better because we acknowledge it. We need actual trauma therapy. I know that therapy isn’t affordable or accessible to all, and this is increasingly true as many therapists no longer accept insurance for payment. However, I can say with full confidence that a trained trauma therapist can help us process and integrate our past experiences. This helps us move forward without the past interfering with our present relationships.

I’ve been a person with unhealed trauma, and I’ve partnered with people with unhealed trauma, too. We might not mean to hurt others, but that’s exactly what happens when we haven’t done the work of healing. Accepting what happened and feeling okay about it isn’t the same as addressing how trauma impacts the nervous system and our reactions.

The lesson? Manage your own trauma. Encourage partners to manage theirs.

“Taking responsibility — even for a small part of the problem in communication — presents the opportunity for great repair.” ~John M. Gottman, Eight Dates: Essential Conversations for a Lifetime of Love

8. Articulated Needs Should Be Met Needs

It took a long time for me to learn how to ask for what I needed in relationships. Frankly, it took a lot of therapy. I still need to work on articulating what I need or asking for help. But I try.

Here’s the thing about articulated needs when it comes to romantic partners: If we speak up and clarify what it is we need, a caring partner should try — if possible — to meet the need. They can’t give us self-worth or solve all our problems for us; they aren’t meant to. But if we ask for something in their power to give and they won’t give it, we need to understand that the relationship is no longer healthy for us.

I once asked for reassurance. It sounds so simple, but it was a challenge for me to put it into words. I felt something was off, and I asked for reassurance of his affections and intentions. What happened next should have been a warning. He acknowledged that I needed reassurance. He just didn’t offer any. I made myself vulnerable by speaking up, and it was a terrible blow when my spoken need wasn’t met when it would have been easy for him to do.

That relationship didn’t work out. It couldn’t. I had normal relational needs that he wasn’t inclined to meet. I can’t say why. That’s not my concern or business. What I needed to acknowledge was that I had unmet relational needs, which meant the relationship was no longer a healthy or safe place for me.

It’s not enough for us to articulate the things we need. If what we’re asking for is reasonable and part of normal relational needs, the person we’re dating should be willing to at least attempt to adjust so that our needs are being met. This can be tricky at times. Differing sex drives can cause conflicting needs. Differing values can, too. At some point, we have to decide if we’re able to find a compromise or if we’d be better served admitting that we are no longer compatible with the partner we chose.

The lesson? If our needs aren’t being met, the relationship isn’t safe or compatible anymore.

“When you don’t talk, there’s a lot of stuff that ends up not getting said.” ~Catherine Gilbert Murdock

9. A Bad Match Isn’t Necessarily a Bad Person

This often circles back to the victim mentality, but we’ve all been guilty of this at some point in our lives. It’s immature to assume a poor match means the other person had poor character. Sometimes, they just aren’t right for us but would be a strong partner for someone else. Some relationships bring out the worst in us, or we bring out the worst in them. We don’t have to assassinate their character when the relationship ends. We can choose to wish them well and not take it personally.

This is a hard lesson learned. It feels personal, but it’s not. Someone who doesn’t feel the same way about us isn’t rejecting us as a person; they’re just looking for something different that’s a better match for their needs. We can get our feelings hurt and/or feel sorry for ourselves, but it’s far more mature to accept that someone who didn’t want to be with us wasn’t for us. End of story. Move along. It can hurt our feelings, but a bad match isn’t usually a bad person. They just aren’t right for us.

I dated someone once who seemed perfect for me. I thought we would be a strong couple. I later found out that he had feelings for someone else. The last I heard, they were still happy together. It hurt my feelings at the time. I didn’t handle it well or maturely. It was a growth moment for me. It took some time, but I could see later that even though it felt like we could be a good match, he had found that with someone else. It wasn’t about me not being a good person or a desirable partner. Maybe in another life, we could have been strong together. I stopped taking it personally and began to be happy for him instead.

The lesson? Not every relationship is meant to work out, but that doesn’t mean the other person is (insert horrible, judgmental adjective here).

“There comes a time in your life when you have to choose to turn the page, write another book or simply close it.” ~Shannon L. Alder

Lesson Learned

It’s okay if readers are judging me right now for my poor choices and bad relationships. I used to judge me, too. Now, I choose to learn from those experiences. I’ve even applied these lessons so that I don’t have to keep learning the hard way.

Not all my relationship experiences were bad. Some were even beautiful. I learned a lot from those moments, too. It’s just that the lessons we learn from toxic relationships seem to stand out. The scars they leave behind are reminders of what we’ve been through — and hopefully, how far we’ve come.