Is It Really Gaslighting Though?

Why I have mixed feelings about the current trend around the term

This morning Twitter informed me that gaslighting is now a trending hashtag in the UK. On the one hand, I am happy about the rising awareness of a manipulation tactic frequently used by abusers. I am glad that the online community is starting to recognise toxic behaviour that can be extremely dangerous for the victims. But I also cannot help but wonder if gaslighting just becomes a trendy new word for lying.

Gaslighting is a form of psychological manipulation in which a person or a group covertly sows seeds of doubt in a targeted individual or group, making them question their own memory, perception, or judgment. It may evoke changes in them such as cognitive dissonance or low self-esteem, rendering the victim additionally dependent on the gaslighter for emotional support and validation. Using denial, misdirection, contradiction, and disinformation, gaslighting involves attempts to destabilize the victim and delegitimize the victim’s beliefs.

Are the stories that are currently trending on Twitter truly examples of gaslighting? And does it even matter to make a distinction?

I am the last person wanting to invalidate someone’s experience. I know that gaslighting is extremely hard to spot and damaging. I strongly encourage everyone who has experienced it to speak out and help to raise awareness. But is this what’s happening? Are we truly helping others recognise toxic behaviour and psychological abuse by labelling those false government reports or newspaper stories as gaslighting? Are we recognising the term in its entirety?

“Gaslighting phrases” is one of the trending terms on Google. I get it. People want to understand how to spot an abusive person. And while it can be helpful to recognise commonly used expressions or sentences that are part of gaslighting, we have to be clear that gaslighting is a pattern of behaviour. Just because someone says “It’s all water under the bridge” they aren’t necessarily abusive.

It’s not just about the language used

The origin of the term gaslighting gives a great example of a variety of tactics that are involved in gaslighting.

In the 1944 movie Gaslight, the husband changes tiny things around the house every day. He turns on the attic lights so that the gas lights in the house start to flicker but convinces his wife that she is imagining things. His aim is to convince her that she is going insane.

His actions are carefully planned out and have no other purpose than to manipulate his wife into doubting her own reality.

In the real world, you might be surprised how many abusers use similar tactics. I have heard from victims that were drugged for years without knowing. Another woman described how her boyfriend set fire to her legs while she was asleep, tricking her into thinking she was ill.

It’s important to recognise that even with these drastic actions, gaslighting usually happens over time. It cannot be identified by a single lie or abusive comment but rather describes a process.

This distinction clarifies that gaslighting is not the same as occasional instances of difficult behavior, or having someone disagree with us, or even see the world very differently from how we see it. — Dr Stephanie Sarkis

Not every lie is gaslighting

Lots of people lie. From the white lies to appear more interesting to more serious ones to hide infidelity or uncomfortable parts of their past. And while lying is one of the key tactics used by gaslighters, not every liar is a gaslighter.

A cheating husband lying about his whereabouts to his wife is a jerk, not necessarily a gaslighter. A cheating husband accusing his wife of being mistrusting when she “must have seen a lookalike” snogging another woman’s face off, is probably a gaslighter.

Gaslighting is similar to lying and a gaslighter may even do it for the same reasons, but they will also be attempting to confuse the other person by flipping a situation and putting the blame onto them, making them doubt their perception of events and second guess themselves. Typically the gaslighter is either trying to avoid taking responsibility for something and they want someone else to take responsibility, or they are trying to gain control over someone because they have an agenda. — Mel Crowe

Gaslighting is designed to distort the reality of the person being lied to. The goal is to gain power. The intend is to destabilise the victim so they rely on the abuser for the very thing that most of us take for granted: Their sense of reality.

A person experiencing gaslighting may show these symptoms:

• feel confused and constantly second-guess themselves
• find it difficult to make simple decisions
• frequently question if they are too sensitive
• become withdrawn or unsociable
• constantly apologize to the abusive person
• defend the abusive person’s behaviour
• lie to family and friends to avoid having to make excuses for them
• feel hopeless, joyless, worthless, or incompetent

Gaslighting is subtle

The lies involved in gaslighting are often subtle and seemingly insignificant. They might not make sense to the victim or they might simply not expect the abuser to lie about trivial things. This is why it’s so difficult to figure them out.

An abuse victim told me how her husband used to rearrange the cutlery drawer every so often while she was out. When questioned, he denied it. She believed him, after all, she didn’t care on which side the forks or knives should be. And who doesn’t have those little moments where you doubt your reality? Those flashes of confusion where you could have sworn you placed your key in a certain position or remembered to pack a document for work. We usually just shrug them off and forget about it the next day.

With gaslighters, these little “seeds of doubt” increase gradually until the victim might question their sanity completely.

When I went back through the messages with my narcissistic ex I came across several messages that had been so insignificant at the time that I had forgotten about them. It was the sort of conversations that couples have every day and forget the next. It was only when I went through them with my therapist that I could clearly identify them.

We were working together and at one point I messaged him and asked if someone had just said my name. He replied: “No, it’s all in your head”.

What is interesting is that he could have just said: “I didn’t hear it”. But this was just a tiny opportunity to establish a reality that I would later believe without a doubt: I wasn’t right in the head. I needed professional help.

It wasn’t a single big bang moment or accusation, it was an accumulation of those tiny little jokes and seemingly insignificant conversations:

Think of it as covert advertisement

In a relationship that you consider to be based on love and equality, those little moments don’t ring any alarm bells. It happens in the background, that’s why it’s so effective. Similar to the methods that brands use to get social media followers of influencers to buy their products.

They place branded bottles of coke in the background of popular movies and the next time you see that brand in the store you feel compelled to buy it but have no idea why.

With gaslighting the manipulative sentences and tactics are often placed carefully in the background of conversations. They are eating away at your subconscious while you are busy concentrating on the main actions. You can have an hour-long conversation over shared interests, planning the future or a holiday. You feel happy, excited, in love, you laugh together. Then the gaslighter makes a joke “hahaha, you are crazy” you laugh and continue to focus on the stuff that really matters to you.

Rinse and repeat. A little remark here and there, some jokes or sarcastic statements. If you do notice and pull them up on it they accuse you of being too sensitive or “not fun to be with since you can’t take a joke”

Before you know if you have loaded your trolley with coke supply for the next year. Or, in gaslighting terms, when it gets to the part where the gaslighter suggests that you need professional treatment, this idea has probably already been ingrained into your subconscious.

“If you repeat a lie often enough, it becomes accepted as the truth.”

When it’s not subtle, it’s probably already too late

A few months into the relationship with my ex, he showed me a hickey on his neck and said, “Look what you have done, you really need to be more careful I can’t be running around like this.” I was slightly confused, I thought I had been very cautious, knowing that his family and ex-wife weren’t allowed to know about us. I expressed my confusion. He laughed out loud and shook his head in disbelief. “OMG, you really do lose yourself when we have sex don’t you? I can’t believe you can’t even remember giving me a hickey.”

I never questioned this incident. It still baffles me to this day that I wasn’t even suspicious. I am inquisitive by nature, I research 100 different facts and studies before I make my mind up on what to believe. I caught my cheating husband pretty much on the day he started his affair. I’ve always loved analysing behaviours and people. Yet it never once crossed my mind that my Ex was sleeping with other women until I tracked them down months after the relationship had ended.

At the point this incident occurred, he had already established the foundation that would have left me in denial of his abuse forever: He was perfect, I was crazy. He was sensitive and caring, I was selfish and lacked empathy. He was organised and focused, I was messy and confused. He was in control, I needed leading. I could go on forever. I trusted his judgement over my own.

I would have never recognised gaslighting if it wasn’t for my therapist. Here are some of the question you can ask yourself to get clarity:

1. Do they try to persuade you to doubt the evidence of your senses and what you are thinking and feeling?
2. Do they try to convince you that what you believe is wrong, and what they believe is right?
3. Do they react badly if you do not accept their version of the truth?
4. Are they extremely persistent and sometimes keep the argument going long after you have asked them to please drop the issue?
5. Do they attempt to bully you into admitting that they are 100 percent right, and you are completely wrong?
6. Are the facts always twisted so that they are the victim, and you are always at fault?
7. Do they twist and turn the truth and make such long and complicated arguments to prove their points that, after a while, you become thoroughly confused?

So it really gaslighting? And does it matter?

Let me reiterate: I am 100% behind the mission to raise awareness of psychological abuse. Too many are still trapped and have no idea. Too many stories are still untold. Too little justice or help for victims is offered. Too many bystanders lack a genuine understanding and empathy for those who have been abused. Too many underestimate the effects.

We need these subjects to be trending

I also firmly believe that it’s a mission that can only be achieved in unison and by sharing as many different stories and angles on the subject as we possibly can. The specific terminology is insignificant. If someone has experienced psychological abuse, it doesn’t matter how much gaslighting was involved or how many other tactics were identified. Their story might help others to identify a toxic relationship they are in.

Accusing someone who has been a victim of psychological abuse that their experience doesn’t classify under this terminology is almost gaslighting in itself.

I just hope that the current trend is not diluting this complex subject.

I sincerely hope that it prompts everyone to research or read up on the subject in an attempt to understand more about psychological abuse.

If the term gaslighting is an entry point for someone to recognise abusive behaviours, then let it forever be trending on Twitter.

If you are curious about the subject or think you may have been subjected to gaslighting, I recommend reading “Gaslighting: How to recognise manipulative and emotionally abusive people — by Dr. Stephanie Sarkis” (non-affiliated link)

Or this article on Psychologytoday.

And by all means, jump onto the trend. Tell your story, share your experience, point out toxic behaviours when you recognise them. Help someone understand what they are going through if they blame themselves. Every tweet counts.

Let us not get scooped up by gaslighting manipulators stealing our emotions and taking possession of our inner child to carry out their dark agenda. Let the light of our intuition guide us subtly and wisely along the path of trust and suspicion. Erik Pevernagie

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