avatarKara Summers

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How a Narcissist Prepares You for the Abuse

The love-bombing phase isn’t just about attention and gifts.

Photo by Sydney Sims on Unsplash

Many women I have met were in abusive relationships for years and didn’t know it. Many more are most likely still in abusive relationships and don’t have a clue. It’s very common for victims to only recognise the abuse if someone else points it out to them.

I was the same. I thought I was grieving over having lost the love of my life and I was blaming myself. It was only when my counsellor mentioned narcissism that I started reading up on it. And once you start to understand, it’s mindboggling what you discover about your relationship. But there are times where you think back about how it all started, the amazing man you once met, and you wonder how he played you so well.

Today I left my job to get away from my abuser. But before I did, I went back through our chat, through the messages that weren’t deleted, and I took screenshots of his behaviour. What really struck me when I went through it was that the abuse has always been there. These messages are only the tip of the iceberg, it’s our conversations at work, that all took place within the first two months of our relationship.

Nevertheless, there is enough for me to see what he has always been like, right from the start, hidden in plain sight. The little moments that felt weird, or off, or wrong, or hurt were brushed aside because back then, love-bombing prevailed. I ignored the glimpses that showed his true character because I didn’t want to see it.

Knowing what I know now, I can clearly see his tactics, even this early on. The love-bombing phase isn’t just about the big promises and the soulmate effect, it’s also setting you up for the abuse. Preparing you, to ignore and endure it later on.

They would never do this

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Did he laugh at me? I cannot remember, but I obviously felt that he did at the time. Instead of apologising, he turns it around on me: “don’t read into things.” Even this early on in the relationship, I was told that any seemingly abusive behaviour was just my misinterpretation: “I promised I’d never laugh at you or patronise you.” I hadn’t even mentioned patronising, but a promise is a promise, right?

Anything he would say or do from here on that seemed patronising would be on me. “I need you to know that.” Why? Because even this early on, he needed me to understand that he was one of the good guys. He would never abuse me in any form. And if I really understand this, he has free reign. Because he isn’t like that, he would never do that, it’s me, and I am clearly too sensitive.

They could have anyone

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Triangulation is one of the narcissist's favourite tools. They will use exes, colleagues and random people on the street to make sure you understand how lucky you are to have them. They seem to already have a harem, along with a potential new supply in the pipeline.

I remember the countless occasions he told me a woman had flirted with him, made compliments, touched his arm, his leg. As I later found out, there was a lot more to it than flirting. One woman actually thought she was in a relationship with him. To me, he would mention just enough to make me slightly jealous, but not enough to make me suspicious.

Other than lining up a new supply, this tactic also helps to set you up. No matter how cruel they treat you, you have to understand how lucky you are they chose you. They could have anyone.

You couldn’t do it without them

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For a long time, I thought he was my hero. I remember how helpful and supportive he seemed to be, I could always ask him anything and he would jump in and help straight away. He would even do work for me and never wanted any credit for it. He supported my career, believed in me, went around his contacts and “bigged me up” as he put it.

I work in a male-dominated industry and I thought he was one of the few people who truly supported women and addressing the gender imbalance. For a long time, I thought he was the person who showed me what really supporting my career aspirations look like because he empowered me.

When I left my company, I got countless thank-you notes and kudos for all the work I had done. The work I had done, on my own. And when I went through all his early messages, I could suddenly see his agenda so clearly. Whenever I had achieved something, done something positive, or even when I had been offered a promotion, he had to make sure I knew he was behind it all. He was “so proud of me” because I was an extension of him.

Whenever I did something on my own, he scrutinised it or was quick to find flaws. He had to make sure I always knew how much I relied on him. The selfless acts of support I had seen were in fact selfish acts of control, used to keep me hooked. Everything I had interpreted as support of my independence was a tactic to make me dependent.

They are better than you

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It doesn’t matter what the subject is, or how ridiculous it may seem, they have to win. They have to one-up you. I remember being attracted to how ambitious he was, just like me. Today I understand the key difference between ambition and competition.

The narcissist is in constant competition with everyone around them, including their romantic partners. Because they see themself as superior, they need to make sure they do everything to maintain their grandiose self-image, at all costs.

Whenever I got a new job offer, he had to make sure he got a better one. When I bought myself something, he had to buy himself something bigger. When I achieved something, he had to make sure I knew he had already achieved something better.

During the love-bombing phase, it may seem that they make you out to be this perfect individual, but there will be signs — you could never be better than them.

They need to know your every move

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Part of me knew exactly just how controlling he was, but at the start, I had thought it was sweet how much he cared. I had to check in on him every time I got home, to the point that he was “worried sick” when I forgot. He always had to know what I was up to, and I had to justify it when I wanted to spend time with anyone else. Even at work, he was jealous when I spoke to others.

Once he had succeeded in controlling my time and I was isolated from everyone, he started trying to control what I ate, how I exercised, what I wore, what I spent money on and even how I raised my children.

What is fascinating is that I once thought I was self-centered and lacked empathy, and that he was the opposite. He seemed so caring, always worrying about my needs, where I often seemed to “fail” to understand his. Now I finally understand, he needed to control me.

In the beginning an abuser will attribute controlling behavior to concern for the victim (for example, the victim’s safety or decision-making skills). http://www.newhopeforwomen.org/abuser-tricks

Not everyone coming out of an abusive relationship has the chance to go back and get black on white proof of what was really going on, but I strongly believe there will have been signs, little moments, a gut feeling. It’s all part of the tactic, pushed aside, misread or misinterpreted by the victim in their hope and willingness to believe in the good in people.

More from Kara Summers:

Narcissism
Psychological Abuse
Relationships
Psychology
Love
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