I Am Truly Sorry I “Borrowed” Your Husband
I didn’t understand the dynamics of your marriage, I hope one day you will.
I never considered myself a “homewrecker”, after all, it was him who was chasing me and his explanations made sense: He had been meaning to leave for years and had tirelessly worked on fixing the marriage but it had all been one-sided. I could instantly relate, I knew too well how draining it was to be in a marriage where you exhaust yourself to the state of mental breakdown, desperately scrapping for those little bits of love and appreciation. I was convinced he wasn’t in love with me, but with the feeling of being in love and the fact that after so many years of unhappiness someone took an interest in him as a person. I didn’t know his wife but I was apprehensive when he started blaming her. “I am sure she does really love you, but just forgets to show it” I’d say, or try to explain situations to him from a female point of view. He was determined to convince me otherwise. Did I know what I was doing was wrong? Yes. Did I feel guilty at the time? No.
“If I would die today, she would just be happy to get the insurance money”
I didn’t see it that way
I saw a wonderful, handsome, intelligent and sensitive man who had so much love to give that it had killed him giving it to the wrong person for years. I saw a man any woman would be lucky to have as a husband and yet his wife had never felt that way. I saw a victim of an abusive relationship, so fragile, traumatised and scared of rejection that he didn’t manage to leave his abuser. I saw the person he wanted me to see. I had so much empathy for him that it never occurred to me what it might be doing to her. The stories he told me about her and how she had treated him pained me, I was determined to show him that he was worthy of love. His confidence seemed at rock-bottom, his soul crushed by the pain he had to endure from early childhood and throughout his marriage, life hadn’t been kind to him and he deserved to be treated with love and respect. I was going to build him up again, disperse his self-doubt and show him how truly amazing he was.
“She always makes fun of me in front of everyone. She can get very angry and throws obbjects at me. She never asks how I am, she doesn’t care about my feelings”
I never wanted to “steal him”

I was terrified by the intensity of his love. I was the one, he had never loved anyone like this before, never felt like this before and he was convinced I was his soulmate. He said he only married because it was his goal to be married by the age of 30, but really they had never been right for each other. They had broken up several times and even what should have been the honeymoon phases never felt right. He was still going to care and pay for her and that was all she really wanted: his money. She would be much happier if he just left. Although he would always “love her like a sister”, he finally deserved some happiness himself. I didn’t want him to leave her for me. I begged him not to, I didn’t want this responsibility, we barely knew each other. So he decided to do it without speaking to me first.
“There is no point in pretending. I don’t love her anymore. I find her repulsive. I cannot bear the thought of having to touch or even be near her”
Today I know that it was part of the game, a manipulation tactic to reel me in, keep me on my toes, make me work harder and endure a lot more of his abuse than I probably would have otherwise. He gave up so much for me, how could I ever be ungrateful or doubt his intentions?
“I know we said I didn’t leave her for you, but we both know that that’s not true. Of course I left her for you”
Today I feel guilty
Today my view has made a 180-degree turn. Today I can see through his lies, manipulation and psychological abuse. Today I have read so many books and articles on personality disorders that I never knew existed. Today I see the man behind the mask. Today I can see that his wife was the real victim and that he will never understand love. I can see how he used me to manipulate her. I can see his endless need to punish his “possessions” when he feels they have stepped out. With me, he went to sleep with other women every time he felt I had done something wrong. In his marriage, he probably did the same. But the ultimate punishment was to leave the woman who was depending on him and convince her it was her fault. Today I can see how it didn’t matter how much love, care and empathy someone gave him or what nice things they did for him, he could only ever focus on the perceived flaws and injustice against him.
I paid half his rent for 8 months to support him, but when I said I couldn’t afford it anymore he was angry at me for having to move and went out to sleep with other women
Today I feel guilty for the position I put his wife in. Not so much for stealing him, but for inevitably contributing to his abuse. I feel guilty that she thinks love is something that has to be earned, that she thinks she had to change herself to get her husband back. I feel guilty that he has now proven to her that he could always get someone else and it’s her job to make sure that he doesn’t stray again. I feel guilty for “helping” to turn her into the woman he said he needed: “Someone who doesn’t challenge him”
I am truly sorry
Dear ex’s wife, I wish you knew how sorry I am. You know I tried to reach out, but you don’t want to hear from me, I respect that. I just wish you will see one day what I see now. I wish you knew that I am not a threat, nor are any of the other women he has slept with. I wish you knew that you are perfect just the way you are and he was always the one who didn’t deserve your empathy and love. I wish you knew that I never meant anything to him, I had a purpose: I was a pawn in his game, a tool to get you back under his control. I still don’t know you, but I am not making any assumptions about your marriage anymore based on what he told me. Even if all those things you are supposed to have done are true, I wish you knew that there is a difference between abuse and reactive abuse. I wish that one day you will muster the courage and challenge him on the way he is treating you. I wish that you will find strength in yourself before he destroys your kind soul even more. I am not looking for forgiveness and I certainly don’t want him back. I just want you to know that I am truly sorry for what you are going through, even if you don’t know it yet. I want you to know that I am here should you ever want to reach out. And I want you to know that I never meant to hurt you or ruin your marriage. I truly wish that when the day will come when you see behind his mask, you will have all the love and support from those around you.