There is a Difference Between Cheating and Never Being Faithful
No one deserves to be abused
I never thought of myself as a cheater and that’s not because of my strong morals or any believes, just because it didn’t appeal to me. I thought I was in a great relationship and had everything I ever wished for so I never took an interest in any other men. But then, 8 years into the relationship it happened. I had my first affair.
Today, 4 years later I understand much more about the reasons. I can see now how unhappy I really was and all the things that drew me to the other guy, but at the time I didn’t understand anything, I fell in love and I hated myself for it. The guilt I felt for what I was doing was so bad that I started self-harming, just so my body might feel as sick as I felt inside. I never told my partner about it, but when the short-lived affair ended, I decided to focus my efforts on fixing what was wrong in my relationship. Some days I would wish that he would find out, as I thought it might add more severity to the situation, but I never had the guts to come clean. My efforts to fix the relationship remained one-sided and eventually, I left.
I spoke to so many women in similar situations and for many, the reasons for cheating were similar. It was never just about the sex, it was about love, emotional connection and it usually marked the beginning of an end of a long-term relationship. I just assumed this was true for all people who cheat.
The serial cheater
I think in this day in age, many people will have had an experience of cheating or being cheated on. In fact, I find it difficult to find any long-term relationships that have lasted for centuries with both parties staying faithful.
In my case, I would like to think that most people learn from their mistakes (and see it as a mistake in the first place). I have analysed my own motivations and behaviours and I strongly believe that should I enter another relationship I will be a lot more alert, honest and aware of my feelings and interactions with my partner. And if I ever get to the point again where I feel so empty and unloved that I might be drawn to another person, I will do the right thing. But I realise now that there are people out there with a completely different thinking pattern.
A few days ago I found my ex on a dating website for married people. It looks like this profile was created before we met. I am not surprised anymore, I have already found so many other scenarios to know that he has never been faithful. I wasn’t even aware such websites exist but what I am reading and seeing makes me lose faith in humanity. It is the length people would go to and blatantly obvious lack of conscience that shocks me the most. Within hours of signing up, I have 80 profile views and 10+ messages. No one speaks about their wives or situation at home, but they are not looking for love or romance nor are they looking to change anything, just “some fun on the side”.
The sense of entitlement
I remember being baffled by my ex’s lack of remorse when we first met, but I thought he was just hiding it. Now I believe he isn’t capable of feeling genuine remorse, what he feels is a high sense of entitlement. He told me about the lack of affection and sex he was getting in his marriage, so he probably felt entitled to seek it elsewhere. When he was with me, the lack of affection or sex certainly wasn’t the issue, but he still cheated from the onset.
I remember a few situations now where he was unhappy or mad at me for something I had done. At the time, we’d sit and talk about it until I thought it was resolved. I’d explain my view and feelings and would reassure him of my love. I’d apologise over and over again even if it wasn’t something I thought was wrong in the first place, but he was so sensitive and I loved him so much that I couldn’t bear to see him hurt. He’d listen, hold me and reassure me in return and then things would return to normal. Today I know that he never forgave me or understood, he went out and chased other women, started secondary or tertiary relationships. He obviously never confessed any of this or showed any signs of remorse for what he did to me, even when he left he said he had always been honest with me and treated me with respect. Now I know that the sense of entitlement is a core part to many abusive relationships, whatever he did, still does and continues to do, in his head, he will twist and justify it to be his right.
Do I deserve it?
In the aftermath of the breakup, I often thought I finally got what was coming for me and what I deserved. I’ve never been so hurt and experienced so much emotional pain than I did coming out of this. In some of the darkest moments, I said to myself: “There you go, this is Karma finally punishing you for the things you have done, the hearts you have broken”. When I started writing about the abuse and the double-lives that my ex was leading, I would sometimes hear his voice in my head: “You are no better, let’s not forget how you have treated the ones who loved and trusted you”. Who was I do bash his cheating when I had also cheated? Today I think about it differently: I believe there is a difference between cheating and never being faithful. I am not excusing what I have done or saying it was right, but it has happened and I have forgiven myself and learned from it. Despite what I have done and what my ex made me believe, I am not crazy or narcissistic, I am caring, empathic and loving. Everyone makes mistakes, but it’s how we deal with them and what we learn from it that sets us apart from abusers. And I strongly believe that it doesn’t matter what someone has done in the past.
Nobody deserves to be abused