Even Sex with A Nymphomaniac Isn’t Enough For A Narcissist
One thing I cannot wrap my head around.
Up until recently, I thought I had figured out why men cheat.
Having been involved with 2 married men and listened to their stories as well as speaking to many of my friends and their experience, one of the main drivers seemed to be the lack of sex they were getting in a long-term relationship.
My husband was no different, as soon as I started withholding sex, he went elsewhere. Of course, there are other factors, like the feeling of being desired and “in love”.
When I first started seeing my ex, it appeared to be exactly what happened. We became friends, we flirted, we fell in love, and then he discovered just how sexual I was.
I have always had a high sex drive and I am open-minded and love to try different things. It seemed like we were perfect for each other. We’d spend entire days in bed, starting with morning sex, cuddling and kissing until he was ready again and we could try again.
There were days that we hardly worked, just occasionally flicking the laptop keyboard to keep it from going into a screensaver, or had sex while on a conference call. Some days we forgot to have lunch. Our little “naughty box” under his bed kept filling up with sexy outfits and new sex toys by the week — something his wife had never been interested in.
When we couldn’t see each other, we’d send sexy pictures and messages, reminisce over the crazy sexual connection that apparently both of us had never felt before.
Every day that we were in the office together we’d stare at each other, undressing each other with looks, only he’d know what outfits I was wearing underneath and it drove us both wild.
We’d escape to the shower room to kiss passionately and tease each other as much as we could, then spend the lunch break having sex in his apartment. Sometimes we had sex at work, or the gym.
He was very dominant and I loved it. My goal was to tease and please him in any way I could until he was so sore that he had to take a break. We’d try new positions and locations, everything he’d always dreamed of or wanted to do. I knew we couldn’t go on like this forever but at the time I felt the happiest I had ever been. I had found my perfect sexual match.
When I started to notice that his sex drive changed — I was gutted,
I wasn’t ready to settle for “normal couple sex schedules” yet. What seemed to have been a mutual desire at the start, quickly turned into “my addiction”. Suddenly I found myself to be the one initiating everything and the comments from him increased:
“You are crazy.” “Your sex-drive isn’t normal” .“Of course! You are always ready”. “You are going to break me”. “I am not even surprised anymore you can just come any time”. “All you ever want is sex”. “Here we go again, I should have known.”
A couple of months into the relationship, I brought it up. I said I worried how quickly we “faded” and that his initial desire to spend every minute of the day with me as well as the sexual attraction had dropped. He got upset. I had crazy expectations, we could have never gone on as we did at the start, it was normal for relationships to progress this way. He loved me like he never loved anyone in his life before and that just meant that he wanted to spend more time with me doing non-sexual things.
I agreed, he was right, I had to get some work done during the day and I enjoyed doing other things with him too. Yes, I missed not having sex as much (though it was still a lot) and I missed the crazy desire he had felt at the start, but I adapted.
There wasn’t a moment where I wasn’t ready for him, but I tried to focus more on the other aspects of our relationship. I still continued to buy sexy lingerie, new toys and sending him sexy messages but I learned to be more patient.
And then, every time we did have sex, it still felt magical and exciting. Over 1 1/2 years there wasn’t a time where it felt “normal”. “It’s amazing how much sex we are still having even when we are together each day”, he’d say after a year.
There were moments in our relationship when everything felt wrong. I couldn’t put my finger on it, because I didn’t know anything about Narcissism and emotional abuse at the time, but I remember times where I caught myself thinking: “But the sex is so great, that alone must be worth it?”
One time we had a massive fight. He got so upset, saying I didn’t really love him and just wanted sex. And I got upset too, that it even crossed his mind. I loved him.
When he left he still said that his love for me had never faded, he had never felt for anyone like me before but he just had to do the “right thing”. And chances are I might have believed him, I might have forever thought that I had crazy expectations when it came to sex, that I was selfish for even wanting it and he was the sensitive, compassionate guy who just wanted my love more than he wanted sex.
But I am more of a detective than he gave me credit for. And over the past months, I have uncovered so much about him and became friends with one of his mistresses. The period where I noticed his declining sex drive was when he started seeing her.
I remember the day at the office when it really kicked off with her. We had had morning sex, most likely lunchtime as well, then I went to his flat, dressed up, and waited for him.
He was having drinks with some of his colleagues, 2 meters away. We were texting most of the night, he asked me if it was OK for him to stay for a while since he rarely went to work outings. I waited a couple of hours until he came over, commented on my outfit and we had another incredible night.
I had no idea at the time that he wasn’t with his colleagues but with her, touching her under the table all evening until he eventually asked her to come to the shower room with him. “Our shower room”.
They didn’t have sex that night, but he didn’t stop messaging her about how crazy he was about her and how he regretted not going all the way, having to leave to “meet some friends”. She had no idea about me at the time either. “The sex was awful, most of the time he was impotent”, she’d say to me when we finally link our stories, but nevertheless he kept coming back to her, sending her intense messages, staring at her at work, commenting on her outfits, telling her he had never been as crazy about someone. It was her who eventually stopped contact, 7 months later.
There are so many things that I understand about him now, I have come to so many painful realizations. But this, I find the hardest to wrap my head around. If you are already with someone who offers you everything you have ever wanted and dreamed of sexually, why would you even go out looking for others?
It wasn’t just her, there were more, even at the very start of us. Why would you gaslight a “Nymphomanic” (what he called me) and pretend you don’t want the relationship to have too much emphasis on sex when on the other hand your only emphasis in life seems to be sex?
I will probably never get an answer to these questions, and I will never understand it. But maybe that’s a good thing, as it means I am healthy, human, and normal.
Maybe I am a nymphomaniac, maybe I just have an unusual high sex-drive but if I find someone, I am committed. If I am in love, I cannot even imagine looking at other people, everyone else seems unattractive to me.
And if I find someone who matches with me in bed, I have absolutely no desire to sleep with anyone else. And maybe that is the only answer I will ever get: He wasn’t normal, or sane, or human.
There is no logical explanation for his behavior, no emotions or love, just the constant need for supply, from as many sources as possible.