Nos Omne Opus Ducis Omnia Creditor

Interns of the Ancient Greece

How else will Homer appeal to Gen XVII?

Scholars at the York County College of Dentistry, Classical Labor Studies Department, have unearthed a previously unknown volume written by Plutarch’s nephew, Cretinus. The volume — written on a Tuesday in AD104— compiles tales of unpaid interns of Ancient Greece. It is titled Nos Omne Opus, Ducis Omnia Creditor, or, in English, We Do All the Work, Mentors Take All the Credit. Shocking excerpts follow!

πανέξυπνος (Fred), intern to the Minotaur

“When I got to the site, the Minotaur didn’t really know what he wanted me to work on. Like, he said, ‘I want an intern!’ But didn’t really know what I would do. We had some talks over olives and ouzo. His first thought was somehow to improve the maze. ‘It just feels like the same old labyrinth every day.’ I told him that was nonsense and that it felt dull because he was living in it. But for everyone coming here — they were seeing it for the first time! And with him killing and eating them almost immediately, they didn’t have time to get bored. ‘It’s a very exciting labyrinth,’ I said.

“I asked him if we could have the hard conversation, because it’s important to have the hard conversations. ‘Every one of your victims has been white and straight,’ I told him. ‘You’ve never had a black person or openly LGBTQ+ person over for dinner. Why is that?’ He denied that he was racist or homophobic at all. ‘I’m the least bigoted Minotaur in the world.’ I could tell, just the way he said that, his mixed parentage — Mom was human, Dad a bull — had been a problem for him growing up. Kids can be really cruel when you’re different.

“Then I noticed a trans woman coming off the latest boat from Athens. I said, ‘Go talk to her. You’ll discover. She’s a person just like anyone.’ But it turns out it was Theseus, dressed as a woman to sneak onto the island, and he killed the Minotaur. Just stabbed him. That was the end of my internship, which is a drag.”

παιδικός ψιθυριστής (Pat), intern to Homer

“The whole experience was a disappointment. I really was hoping to get some work in on the oral tradition. You know, reciting 10,000 lines of poetry from memory. But Homer was all about reaching a new demographic, the new generation. The First Millennials. He’d heard of this new media called writing, and he wanted me to somehow post his poetry on a “writing platform” called parchment. I mean, I’d heard of writing. Everyone from my old school was doing it. But they’re morons, spending all their time scrolling.

“‘Okay,’ I told him. An internship is an internship, but then he was no help at all. His drafts were just — bad. Every time he described something it was different. Like the sea was ‘choppy’ or ‘angry’ or ‘raging’ or ‘grey’ or ‘wavy.’ I told him, ‘No. Every time you talk about the sea it has to be the same words. That’s how you build a brand.’ Finally we settled on ‘wine dark,’ which has a nice ring. ‘The wine dark sea.’ I think people will remember that.

“Also, ‘rosy fingered-dawn.’ That was one of mine. ‘Rosy-fingered dawn.’”

ψυχοκτόνος (Abby), intern to Medea

“This has been the most valuable learning experience of my life. It has prepared me for the life I want to lead. Medea was really kind to me, and empathetic. You don’t expect that from someone who steals a Golden Fleece from her old man, sails off with some Greek bad boy, and then, when he throws her over for the home town hottie, kills the husband, their kids, and the hottie! It’s a bold statement. She signed her letter of recommendation in Jason’s blood. That was a nice touch, very affirming.”

ιδιωτικός ντετέκτιβ (Quay, pronounced “kay” not “kway”), intern to Tireseas

“I still remember the first day I met him. He said, ‘You don’t have to be blind, kid, but it helps. I’m tellin’ you, these motherfuckers with their motherfuckin’ problems and their motherfuckin’ privilege! The shit they get up to, you wouldn’t believe. Goddamn motherfuckers wouldn’t know their right hand from their mother’s cunt.’ He took a long slug of ouzo, ‘But this Oedipus guy seems all right. So it’ll prob’ly be fine.’”

Dedicated to Allison E Peteka, Jadyn Mardy, and Sanne Touloukian, who you should all follow on MuddyUm! οι καλύτεροι ασκούμενοι ποτέ! Thanks to Toni Crowe for editorially laughing at all the right places.

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