Trojan Ecstasy Ultra

Tweets and Fleets, Heroic Ways, Horsey Plays in Homer’s Phrase

Don’t myth! Twitter chronology of the Trojan War!

Trojan War backstory, or “How I married your mother”

When it was time for Tyndareus’ stepdaughter Helen to marry, many kings and princes came to seek her hand. Among the contenders were Odysseus … who promised to solve the problem in a satisfactory manner if Tyndareus would support him in his courting of Tyndareus’s niece Penelope. Odysseus proposed that … all the suitors should swear a most solemn oath to defend the chosen husband in any quarrel. Then it was decreed that straws were to be drawn for Helen’s hand. The suitor who won was Menelaus. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Menelaus

More backstory, or “Beauty contest judge collects honorarium”

…in return for awarding her a golden apple inscribed “to the fairest,” Aphrodite promised Paris the most beautiful woman in all the world. [With Menelaus traveling], Paris ran off to Troy with Helen despite his brother Hector’s prohibition. Invoking the oath of Tyndareus, Menelaus and Agamemnon raised a fleet of a thousand ships and went to Troy to secure Helen’s return. — https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Menelaus

Curse on House of Atreus, or “Is there a vax for that?”

The continued miasma surrounding the house of Atreus expresses itself in several events throughout their lives … [Agamemnon] is also later killed by his wife, Clytemnestra, who conspires with her new lover Aegithus in revenge for the death of Iphigenia. — https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Agamemnon

Odysseus seeks 4F classification, or “Hell no, I won’t go!”

Odysseus tries to avoid [the war] by feigning lunacy … He hooks a donkey and an ox to his plow (as they have different stride lengths, hindering the efficiency of the plow) and … starts sowing his fields with salt. Palamedes, at the behest of Menelaus’ brother Agamemnon, seeks to disprove Odysseus’ madness and places Telemachus, Odysseus’ infant son, in front of the plow. Odysseus veers the plow away from his son, thus exposing his stratagem. — https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Odysseus

Your arms too short to box with gods

Eight years after the storm had scattered them, the fleet of more than a thousand ships was gathered again. But when they had all reached Aulis, the winds ceased. The prophet Calchas stated that the goddess Artemis was punishing Agamemnon for killing either a sacred deer or a deer in a sacred grove, and boasting that he was a better hunter than she. The only way to appease Artemis, he said, was to sacrifice Iphigenia … the daughter of Agamemnon and Clytemnestra — https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Trojan_War

Odysseus “MacGyvers” a cast extra

Calchas had prophesied that the first Achaean to walk on land after stepping off a ship would be the first to die. Thus even the leading Greeks hesitated to land. Finally, Protesilaus, leader of the Phylaceans, landed first. Odysseus had tricked him, in throwing his own shield down to land on, so that while he was first to leap off his ship, he was not the first to land on Trojan soil. Hector killed Protesilaus in single combat — https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Trojan_War

Day trading concubines, a #MeToo moment

Chryses, a priest of Apollo and father of Chryseis, came to Agamemnon to ask for the return of his daughter. Agamemnon refused, and insulted Chryses, who prayed to Apollo to avenge his ill-treatment. Enraged, Apollo afflicted the Achaean army with plague. Agamemnon was forced to return Chryseis to end the plague, and took Achilles’ concubine Briseis as his own. Enraged at the dishonour Agamemnon had inflicted upon him, Achilles decided he would no longer fight. He asked his mother, Thetis, to intercede with Zeus, who agreed to give the Trojans success in the absence of Achilles, the best warrior of the Achaeans. — https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Trojan_War

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Many thanks to Gary Chapin and Amy Sea for editorial guidance and encouragement..