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Abstract

alcoholics, for reasons yet obscure, have lost the power of choice in drink. Our so-called will power becomes practically nonexistent. We are unable, at certain times, to bring into our consciousness with sufficient force the memory of the suffering and humiliation of even a week or a month ago. We are without defense against the first drink.</blockquote><blockquote id="b97c">~ The Big Book, page 24.</blockquote>I mumbled something about doing more therapy sessions to stay in touch with my baseline feelings, but my new sponsor was having none of it.‘This isn’t an emotional issue!’ he said, cutting in. ‘This is a memory issue that no amount of therapy you chose to throw money at will solve.’He even suggested that the mental blank spot could be similar to a form of amnesia or dementia that science hasn’t picked up on yet.‘But why hasn’t science picked up on it?’ I asked, holding the phone tightly.‘Probably because this blank spot only happens at certain times. Most of the time, it lays dormant.’ he replied before warning,‘And unfortunately, this dormancy feature gives us an illusion of power. We think we’ve got sobriety now because our memory and willpower function normally again. Until, the condition randomly comes back online, and we relapse, leaving us totally baffled as to why it happened.’My new sponsor sighed deeply.‘It’s heartbreaking,’ he said softly. ‘Especially if you’ve relapsed after being multiple years clean. But it is sadly needed to show you that you are genuinely powerless, regardless of how much you desire and want to be sober.’My head was spinning. Every sentence felt like the jolt of an electric cattle prod.Later that day, I looked back at my recent relapses. I found no real conscious memory of consequences before any of them.It appeared relapse was happening to me, not by me.<blockquote id="8aba">As soon as I regained my ability to think, I went carefully over that evening in Washington. Not only had I been off guard, I had made no fight whatever against the first drink. This time I had not thought of the consequences at all. I had commenced to drink as carelessly as though the cocktails were ginger ale. I now remembered what my alcoholic friends had told me, how they prophesied that if I had an alcoholic mind, the time and place would come — I would drink again. They had said that though I did raise a defense, it would one day give way before some trivial reason for having a drink. Well, just that did happen and more, for what I had learned of alcoholism did not occur to me at all. I knew from that moment that I had an alcoholic mind. I saw that will power and self-knowledge would not help in those strange mental blank spots. I had never been able to understand people who said that a problem had them hopelessly defeated. I knew then. It was a crushing blow.</blockquote><blockquote id="93f7">~ The Big Book, page 41.</blockquote><figure id="7922"><img src="https://cdn-images-1.readmedium.com/v2/resize:fit:800/0*n4r4HuNFWSnCD_WU"><figcaption>Photo by <a href="https://unsplash.com/@alicealinari?utm_source=medium&utm_medium=referral">Alice Alinari</a> on <a href="https://unsplash.com?utm_source=medium&utm_medium=referral">Unsplash</a></figcaption></figure><h2 id="287c">A Belief That It Will All Be Alright.</h2>Sadly, the ‘blank spot’ wasn’t all that was happening.My new sponsor later explained that something else was happening in my mind, a kind of twisting of my thinking that I couldn’t see either.This is the other main feature of the relapse condition.The Big Book explains it as follows:<blockquote id="f067">But there was always the curious mental phenomenon that parallel with our sound reasoning, there inevitably ran some insanely trivial excuse for taking the first drink. Our sound reasoning failed to hold us in check. The insane idea won out.</blockquote><blockquote id="4ad8">~ The Big Book, page 37.</blockquote>Anytime the ‘good idea’ of relapsing suddenly popped into my head, part of me would start to minimise the lunacy of this thought.I would begin to rationalise this catastrophic idea with excuses and reasons why it would be, in fact, okay to relapse despite being in recovery.No matter how insignificant and non-sensical those reasons were, they quickly became plausible and seemingly rational.At the same time, the urge to want to relapse would start to surge.A fear of missing out would relentlessly come crashing in like waves rolling in and out of my consciousness.Thoughts and narratives of why it would be okay this time would dominate my thinking.Finally, a tidal wave of justification would smother me into deep unconsciousness.Convinced of my rationale, I would carry out my plan, only to revert back to type and do everything I said I wouldn’t do, and again, find myself powerless to stop once I started.This twisted thinking was nothing more than a lie, but I believed the lie and didn’t see the flaw in the logic in light of my track record with partying.To any average person, this kind of thinking and decision-making would be termed irrational, unsound, or even insa

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ne.The Big Book calls this thinking an ‘obsession to beat the game’.Whether it’s a vague idea that this time it would be different, that I would do it differently and party like a gentleman.Or the well-loved excuse that this will be my last relapse. After this final time, I’ll be done for good. I’ll get on with my life.But, it never was different and that last time never did happen.My new sponsor would remind me often,‘You aren’t changing your mind when you’ve decided to give in and party; your mind has been changed for you.’<h2 id="4c19">It Centers In Our Minds</h2>Of course, there is a body element for the addict.Naturally, as a consequence of the constant extreme usage of powerfully addictive substances and processes that are designed by their very nature to make you want more and more, addicts have developed a sky-high tolerance.But there’s this annihilation approach to our acting out and using once we start, which the Big Book describes as the ‘phenomenon of craving’.In the Doctor’s opinion in the Big Book, Dr. Silkworth calls the phenomenon of craving an ‘allergy’, but my new sponsor wasn’t too keen on that idea.‘If it’s an allergy, then why doesn’t the phenomenon of craving happen every time?’Regardless of whether it is an allergy, the body part becomes irrelevant, as most people with a severe peanut allergy don’t tend to keep repeating the total lost cause of trying to have another peanut to see if they will react differently.They don’t touch or go anywhere near peanuts because they remember how terrible it was last time.Once or twice is enough.Not so with the real addict because of the first two features of the disease; they will not only be back gorging on peanuts, but they will eventually take up residence in a peanut factory.<blockquote id="e3f6">There is a complete failure of the kind of defence that keeps one from putting his hand on a hot stove. The alcoholic may say to himself in the most casual way, “It won’t burn me this time, so here’s how!” Or perhaps he doesn’t think at all.</blockquote><blockquote id="d5e6">~ The Big Book, page 24.</blockquote>That’s why the Big Book says the real problem ‘centers in our mind’, not our bodies.‘What will happen now,’ my new sponsor forewarned, ‘as the relapses get worse, the time between them will get shorter and shorter.’This condition is progressive.Therefore, the blanking and twisting will naturally grow in scope and reach until you can no longer differentiate the true from the false.<h2 id="869b">Turning To Something Else</h2>If you believe in the disease concept of addiction, that this is a disease, a fatal illness precisely like any other life-threatening condition, then you have it for life.There is nothing you can do to change that.If you constantly can’t remember why or how you relapsed despite your honest desire not to.Or if you continually relapse, believing some trivial reason or silly excuse to relapse while dismissing the genuine consequences, then you are a real addict.You have this relapse condition.You crossed a threshold where, at certain times, your inability to use reasoning and rational thinking won’t even register for you.The tragic truth is that once that threshold has been crossed, you have no choice but to relapse.A compromised part of your brain will always fire the thought of using or acting out. That will never change. It’s wired like that for life.There is no cure.Even this information won’t save you, as at certain times, you won’t be able to recall any of it when it matters.So, let go of trying to change that.Let go of any old ideas around fighting it and instead get out of the way and trust in something else.After all, that’s all you’ve got.There’s nothing you or anyone else can do to stop this relapse condition.But there’s everything you can do about everything else.There’s everything you can do about building a spiritual dimension to your life, by giving back, helping others, living in genuine faith and trusting in something greater than you.There’s everything you can do to improve your awareness and intuition, raise your consciousness and develop another part of your brain.And let this part of your brain grow bigger and stronger than that addictive part so that it can embrace and look after that compromised part.Just like a bigger and wiser older sibling can care for and comfort a much younger upset sibling by giving that stressed child a big hug.There’s everything you can do about deciding to take on a new attitude, direction, and way of life that will keep this condition dormant one day at a time.If this article speaks to you, please follow, share and subscribe to me for more.Click <a href="https://twitter.com/TheDarrenJames">here</a> to follow me on <a href="https://twitter.com/TheDarrenJames">X</a>.</article></body>

I’m Making a Comeback to YouTube.

I figured I might as well try… again.

I started uploading videos to YouTube back in 2021.

I had been laid off a few weeks ago and wasn’t sure about what I wanted to do next.

I’d always fantasized about being a YouTuber and living the ‘content creator’ lifestyle, so I figured I could give that a try.

I posted a couple of videos and seemed to be getting a little bit of traction.

I gained 26 followers, and my most popular video has over 100 views.

It was a solid start, considering I was at the very bottom (I started with 0 followers).

My problem was that I relied on ‘hopefully’ going viral sooner rather than later.

And I’ve learned that virality doesn’t do much in terms of keeping you going in the long run.

Part of me also wanted to get the most results with the least amount of effort. And as I’ve learned, you can never expect million-dollar results with minimum wage efforts.

But I know things will be different this time. Here’s why:

Sometimes, You Don’t Need to Quit. Sometimes, What You Need is to Start Over.

I had a moment of enlightenment when I least expected it.

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I’m a different person with a different mindset.

My personal and emotional growth over the past two years has been monumental.

I genuinely feel like a different person; my current circumstances are a testament to that.

When I started uploading videos, I was unemployed, I wasn’t sure where I was headed next, didn’t have a plan to figure it out, and didn’t care to.

All I wanted to do was to live in La La Land for as long as possible, which I did.

But I must admit letting myself get lost eventually helped me find myself again. Sounds like an oxymoron, I know.

But the truth is before I became unemployed, I was living life according to what I thought I should, not what I wanted.

To top that off, I didn’t know what I truly wanted.

So, I had to get lost for a moment to find myself again.

Fortunately, I did.

Amid my wandering, I found Medium and made investments (some poor and some great ones), and I came out the other side believing I could transform my life.

Little by little, I started doing so, and this is why I’m currently living independently on Long Island, New York.

I rely 100% on myself.

This may not be a remarkable feat to some, but it is to me, considering I’m only twenty-eight, and I’ve managed to maintain this lifestyle for almost two years, and it’s only getting better and better.

So, yes, I’m much different from two years ago. I’m someone who believes I can, who can come up with a plan to make it happen, and who will make it happen.

How to Begin Showing Up Authentically to Start Building the Life of Your Dreams.

We tend to overcomplicate this process and end up self-sabotaging.

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Thanks to being on Medium, I’ve learned what consistency and patience look like.

I’m incredibly grateful for Medium.

It’s the one thing I’ve been able to stick to for a long period of time.

I’ve been on this platform for over two and a half years. Soon, it will be three.

Sure, I’ve made plenty of mistakes and haven’t been consistent (especially in the beginning).

But I came back time and time again, even when I saw that my views were barely growing, as well as my follower count.

Being on Medium taught me an important lesson about myself and how I operate best — I will not stick with something if I don’t enjoy it.

The reason I’m still writing is because I genuinely like it.

I like sitting at my desk, coming up with ideas, and writing about them.

I also like video editing and showing a different side of myself, which is another reason I believe I have a legitimate chance at this YouTube thing.

I like recording videos and editing them. It’s that simple for me.

Medium taught me to be patient.

I’ve learned to keep going despite my efforts not matching my results.

The truth is when you’re pursuing making money online, this is what’s going to happen.

Initially, there won’t be that many people paying attention to what you’re doing.

But if you remain consistent, stay resilient, and don’t give up, there will come a day when, all of a sudden, your content is being viewed by thousands.

Before, I didn’t want to believe that this was the process and this is what you sign up for when you start creating content.

But now, I fully understand what is required, and I have no problem paying this price.

So, thank you, Medium, for helping me become a better version of myself and a better content creator.

Your Fear of Feeling Embarrassed is Stopping You From Moving Forward.

This was inspired by a hoodie.

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I’ve become much better at identifying when I’m self-sabotaging and can now stop myself before going off the rails.

Along this journey, I’ve identified many of my weaknesses, pitfalls, and negative default behaviors.

In the past, I wasn’t able to identify when I would start self-sabotaging, and by the time I noticed it, I felt like it was too late and would end up giving up.

Now, I can easily identify when I’m having impostor syndrome and doing things to delay continuing forward.

I’m not perfect at it and never will be. I’m just glad I’ve gotten to a point in my life (sooner rather than later) where I can hold myself accountable and follow through with the things I said I would do.

And you can, too.

We can all become better versions of ourselves if we simply try and don’t give up.

I chose not to settle for the life others kept telling me I was supposed to have and pursue.

I believed (from a very young age, too) that I would do my own thing and be my own boss.

For a very long time, I had no idea what that looked like.

But as I’ve continued on this journey, not giving up on myself or giving in to the easy solutions (or what seems easy), I’ve gotten a better idea of what that looks like.

Of what my future looks like, and I’m extremely, extremely grateful for that.

One of my biggest fears used to be disappointing the people I care about. Now, it’s disappointing myself because I didn’t live up to my full potential.

And this is another reason I’m coming back to YouTube: I would rather try and see if I can make something out of it than wonder for the rest of my life if I could have done it.

If you’d like to check out my old vlogs, here’s a link to my channel.

I will be uploading my comeback video today (January 9th), so if you pop by my channel, please give it a like and subscribe if you like it.

Thank you!

Stop Thinking It Won’t Work Out.

Many times before we start working towards a goal or dream, there’s a little voice in our heads telling us that we…

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