avatarAngelica Mendez

Summary

The article emphasizes the importance of voicing one's needs to avoid self-sabotage and resentment, outlining four essential steps to effectively communicate personal requirements and boundaries.

Abstract

The article addresses the common struggle of not voicing personal needs due to avoidant behavior and people-pleasing tendencies, which can lead to self-sabotage and resentment. It suggests that recognizing and prioritizing one's emotional needs is crucial, as is paying attention to gut feelings that signal discomfort. The author advises discerning when to speak up and when to let things go, especially in cases where the other party may not be receptive to feedback. The article also highlights the value of self-reflection and journaling in understanding one's emotions and encourages readers to communicate openly despite feeling anxious, as it can lead to stronger relationships and personal growth.

Opinions

  • The author acknowledges their own struggle with communication due to avoidant-attachment and people-pleasing habits, indicating personal experience with the topic.
  • The article suggests that not speaking up for oneself is a form of self-sabotage and can lead to negative consequences in various aspects of life.
  • It is implied that emotional needs are universal and that understanding and meeting these needs is essential for well-being.
  • The author expresses the belief that some situations and relationships may not be conducive to open communication, particularly with those who lack the emotional capacity or willingness to engage in difficult conversations.
  • The article posits that practicing self-awareness and emotional expression can lead to healthier relationships and a more fulfilling life.
  • It is conveyed that speaking up for oneself, despite feeling nervous, is a vital step towards creating a life that aligns with one's needs and desires.

If You Struggle With Voicing Your Needs, Read This.

You can't keep avoiding the difficult conversations.

Photo by Priscilla Du Preez 🇨🇦 on Unsplash

I've struggled in my communication (and still do), and it stems from my avoidant-attachment/people-pleasing tendencies that have me wanting to go away and avoid tough conversations so I don't make things awkward or make anyone uncomfortable.

Do you know what this is called? Self-sabotage. Putting people, their emotions, and preferences before your own.

If, like me, you have an avoidant attachment combined with the bad habit of people-pleasing, listen up.

Falling into this habit has had bad consequences in my life. My self-esteem, relationships, professional life, etc suffered.

Why? Ignoring your feelings and emotions only leads down one road — resentment.

And once you've let too much resentment build up, you will hit a wall, and you will go off like a bomb.

The people around you will be confused as to why 'all of a sudden' you're exploding when you seemed fine. But for you, it's been a slow build-up.

Here's the harsh truth no one wants to hear — it's your fault for not speaking up.

I hate writing this mainly because I'm saying this to myself. And if I need to hear it, I know there's someone else out there who does, too.

So, how do you change the tide? How do you begin telling people what's on your mind and advocate for your needs?

Here are four essential steps.

1. You need to believe your needs are important in the first place.

I became used to brushing off my emotions and feelings because I was constantly in survival mode.

I was also not taught to be self-reflective and curious about what my feelings were trying to tell me.

I never came across the idea of emotional needs until I spoke with my counselor (four years ago). Once she explained that everyone has emotional needs, that void and disconnect I remember feeling finally made sense.

I didn't know how to meet my emotional needs. And because I was never made aware of them in the first place, I didn't believe them to be important.

If you're struggling to figure out what your needs are, I recommend seeking the help of a counselor or therapist. They are an incredible investment.

If that's not an option, then the second best choice, in my opinion, is journaling.

Spend time with yourself, by yourself, and ask yourself what's important to you, not just in regards to material things, but what are the things that you like to do that bring you joy, contentment, tranquility, peace, etc.

If you've already identified your needs, then it's time to start prioritizing them.

This may look like taking extra time for yourself in the morning, investing in a counselor like I mentioned, journaling, listening to podcasts, going to the gym, etc.

Begin prioritizing meeting these needs, and you will notice a difference in how you feel. You will find yourself more grounded and connected to yourself.

2. When you get that gut feeling that something is bothering you, don't ignore it.

Lean into it and understand why you're bothered in the first place.

I remember when I would get angry or annoyed as a kid. I would go somewhere else and distract myself with anything I could do.

Even though this is helpful for not letting anger drive your decisions, it was unhelpful because I never took the time to figure out why I was angry or annoyed in the first place and address it with the person I was upset with.

It's taken me a long time to get comfortable with my uncomfortable emotions, but the more you practice, the better you get at it.

Whenever you feel anxious, stressed, overwhelmed, angry, annoyed, frustrated, or any negative emotion you can think of, take some time to be by yourself, but instead of pushing those emotions down and ignoring them, either sit with them or write about them and figure out why you're upset.

I've learned that I get angry for a few reasons — When my things are used without my permission. When my time and space are not respected. When I'm not asked to participate (not being considered) or the opposite. I'm expected to participate without being asked for my consent (another form of lack of consideration).

There's more, but these are the ones I can think of off the top of my head.

Practice sitting with your negative emotions. They will tell you your boundaries and, therefore, when to speak up for yourself.

3. Decide if you need to speak up about it.

Not everything that bothers you needs to be brought up.

I've learned this by watching my mother be my grandmother's caretaker.

There are certain instances when speaking up about what's bothering you is not always the best solution.

My grandmother is a stubborn woman who is set in her ways. As much as I admire her for what she's accomplished, not just for herself but for our family, I know she's still human and imperfect.

Do you know that saying you can't teach an old dog new tricks or a stubborn dog new tricks?

It's something like that.

Some people do not have the emotional capacity to hold space for their emotions and someone else's. And they don't want to learn how.

They get highly offended and reactive when you tell them what they did that upset you — In these instances, I would say you're better off not speaking up because you will not reach any resolution (this applies mainly to family and friends).

Now, if you're being blatantly disrespected or abused in any way, that's a situation where you need to speak up, no matter how offended the other person may be.

It's important to identify the people who can have a difficult conversation, who can hear you out, understand what you're saying, and are willing to change their behavior.

Not everyone, actually most people, won't be able to do this.

But if you find a few people who can, you're very fortunate. Keep those people close.

4. When you decide to speak up, do it regardless of how anxious or nervous you may feel.

Your nerves are creating a stress response to something new and something you believe to be scary.

The more you practice speaking up, the less daunting and overwhelming it will feel over time.

I choose to do this every single day in my relationship. Although sometimes it's led to arguments, it has strengthened my relationship because every time we decide to speak up, we get a better understanding of what's important to one another and how to meet those needs.

You will not, I repeat, you will not find a person who can read your mind.

It's impossible. Even giving hints is not enough because not everyone will see things your way. Many times that happens with partners, family, and friends.

In those instances where you feel the butterflies or the hole in your stomach in anticipation of saying something, keep going. Speak up and act despite these feelings because, odds are, you're talking to someone who cares about you.

They are willing to listen to what you say and will take note of what bothers you and work with you to reach a resolution.

If the person you're talking to is unwilling to work with you and meet you halfway, then this is an opportunity to reevaluate the relationship and whether you should prioritize this person.

Takeaways

Speaking up for yourself and your needs is crucial to creating a safe environment.

It's also crucial to identify the people in your life who regard you with love and respect and are willing to work with you through difficult situations.

If you ever feel nervous or anxious about speaking up for what you want or need, remember that speaking up and advocating for your needs is a foundational step for creating the life you want.

Emotional Intelligence
Speaking
Life Lessons
Self Improvement
Personal Development
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