MASTURBATION FANTASIES
I’d Rather Be Masturbating
Except when I get the chance to meet Hogan Torah
Hindsight and masturbation often go hand-in-hand. I’d rather be masturbating than recovering from two broken ankles like I was doing a year ago.
If I’d stayed home and masturbated I wouldn’t have been out and about where I fell on a broken step. But then I also wouldn’t have written about banana boat pee thingies in the hospital that they attach to your genital area for you to — you know — pee into. Who would want to miss that? Check that story out below.
I want to say I’d rather be masturbating than recovering from an elective surgery this week, but that’s short term thinking. I’ll let you know after the bruising and swelling and pain are gone and I see the results.
What’s one orgasm against a lifetime — or whatever’s left of one — of stunning beauty? If it goes as I hope, maybe someone else will masturbate me and I won’t even have to lift a hand.
There are days I’d rather be masturbating than writing, because writing is hard work. Masturbating can be hard work, too, but with masturbation there’s no audience waiting for the punch line. Usually.
Masturbation is made easy these days with a proliferation of ergonomic sex toys that suck. No, they actually suck. On your most sensitive body part, if you possess a clitoris. You most definitely will rather be masturbating than doing anything else after trying one of these gadgets. And yes, I do get a commission if you buy one from my link. While I genuinely want you to have a fabulous sex life — if only with yourself — I like making money, too.
I’d certainly rather be masturbating than doing most tasks regularly required of adults. Cleaning. Filling the car with gas when you can afford to do so. Doing the dishes, which could be a metaphor for masturbating. Feeding the animals. Feeding whoever else is around. Feeding yourself. Maintaining a wardrobe that’s at least acceptable from the waist up for Zoom meetings.
DO NOT masturbate during Zoom meetings, even if you don’t wear pants. They can still see your face, and some of us get a sexual flush on our faces and décolletage, or in a guy’s case, chest, after orgasming. You do not want colleagues asking if you are okay when you are JUST FINE, THANK YOU VERY MUCH.
I’d rather be masturbating than peep through a glory hole. Life has enough surprises every day with pandemics, epidemics, and all kinds of poxes on our houses, that we don’t need to go looking for more.
I’d rather be masturbating than sitting through any meeting, except for the Mudditors’ meetings here at MuddyUm. The hilarity there, when no one is talking tech, is as good as most orgasms. You’ll have to trust me on that. We do record them, but I suspect Susan Brearley has the recordings on a hidden thumb drive only accessible through ridiculous technological brou ha ha which includes the dreaded phrase, “All you have to do is…” Or maybe the thumb drives make good sex toys.
When there’s tech talk, I zone out and fantasize about masturbating. It helps, but not enough. Keep that in mind, Andrew Rodwin, next time you start saying “All you have to do is” — and you see my eyes glaze over.
I would NOT rather be masturbating than having sushi with Hogan Torah, which I recently did in Los Angeles in a Japanese restaurant with gang graffiti on the window. It seemed appropriate.
No orgasm can compare to an evening of laughter and surprisingly sincere sharing with our very own Hogan Torah.
Try it and see. I dare you.
Thank you to my dear fellow editor, Gary Chapin, who says my enjoying MuddyUm editor meetings more than masturbating is high praise.
Thank you to Kristine Laco for the prompt. I’ll send one to you folks soon.
