HUMOR

You Never Know When You Might Need a Fake Camel Toe or a Fake Penis

The things you can order that you didn’t know you needed

Did you know you can buy fake camel toe underwear? Apparently some of you did, since quite a few of you have written about fake camel toes. And actual camel toes. You’re a kinky bunch.

By the way, I’ve been informed that camel toe is now called moose knuckle by the youngsters. Learn something new every day. I’m not going to speculate on why someone would want to fake a camel toe or moose knuckle when the rest of us try to hide ours, but there it is.

One of my favorite writers on Medium has said, “Always choose muffin top over camel toe.” If you recognize your quote, please remind me who you are.

I try to live by that adage. I struggle with the choice daily, because sadly, it’s not that simple. But that’s another story. This one is about fake parts, not real ones.

You can also buy fake “packages.” These I can imagine uses for. If you’re trans male, they would come in handy in the club, or anywhere you’re trying to pick up women, or pansexuals and non-binaries looking for cis gender appearing men. Same for lesser endowed cis gender men.

It’s probably not news that you can buy a fake butt, or butt pads. They’re much cheaper and less invasive than the whole butt enlargement thing celebrities have going on.

What if one of the Kardashians change their minds later in life? Let me tell you, liposuction hurts. Although I suppose removing a butt implant is more like removing a breast implant, which I hear is still a hassle. And what would you do with all that fanny skin? It hurts my brain to think about it, much less my butt.

Fortunately, I have no need of any of those fakes, preferring my birth gender, and having been blessed with plenty of fanny and plumpness in my nether regions. As mentioned above, I mostly try to avoid camel toe. Excuse me, moose knuckle.

While we’re on the subject of things to hide, what’s next? Fake butt cracks for skinny handy men or women?

The fake body parts I really want to make a comeback is shoulder pads. As far as I know, there are no implants for small, sloping shoulders. When you have a mostly hour glass shape, but no shoulders, clothes that fit right are impossible to find.

I was in shoulder heaven in the 80s. I even had a tiny waist then, so the whole hour glass thing was happening, as long as I had my beloved shoulder pads. So what if they got so big I could have played football in them?

Every fashion trend goes over the top before it comes back down. There was no reason to get rid of them entirely. If I can order a fake camel toe and a fake butt, and you can order a fake penis, I should be able to order shoulder pads. Can I get an Amen? Or an Awomen?