I Work in One of The Most Beautiful Cities In The World But I Just Rush Back Home

It stops now

I work in one of the most beautiful cities in the world — Amsterdam.

Many people feel jealous of me when they know that I work in Amsterdam and that too, I work in the heart of Amsterdam — the most beautiful part, by the river and the canals.

They compliment me on my luck and think about how fortunate I have been. They think, if they lived or worked in such a beautiful place, life would be problem free.

But I never did.

My life in the Netherlands

I have been living in the Netherlands since 2015. Before that, I lived in Germany, and before that in the US. I left home(India) a long time ago.

Even though other people thought how fortunate I was to be able to live in such a beautiful country, I never ever felt like that. I had, practically, no time to think about that. I always ran from home to work and back.

I could see the tourists flocking through the place posing for pictures, maps in their hands, and cameras dangling around their necks, leisurely strolling or sitting by the cafe.

They seemed to have all the time in the world.

But I had none.

I sighed at them and thought how lucky they were. Because of course, I was busy. And I had a valid reason.

My little daughter was sad

I left my daughter at school and then with after-school care, where she wasn’t happy. So, I wanted to run to my daughter and pick her up from after-school care.

When you are a parent and you live as an expat in a different country where you have no family, and both you are your partner go to work, your choices are limited. Your child doesn’t have any other option other than daycare or after-school care.

There’s nothing wrong with daycare or after-school care. Except for the fact that ours sucked. She was bullied and harassed because of her skin color.

Life can be difficult if you are a person of color and live in a white-dominated country. My daughter learned that at the very tender age of five.

She begged me not to send her to the aftercare and cried every night and morning. But I just gave her false promises and told her to manage this day, and I would come and pick her up early.

And I tried. To come early. As early as possible. But she still had to be there for a few hours every day and suck it up.

The daily madness

So I just ran downstairs from my office to get to the tram stop and to get a tram to the Amsterdam central station, where I ran to get the train to my small city.

On the train, I just panicked thinking if I was going to reach on time or not, if my daughter had another bad day or not, or if she was hungry or not.

And then after I deboarded the train in my city, I would walk as quickly as possible to pick up my daughter from her hell.

This continued until both of us couldn’t take anymore and I quit working and became a stay-at-home mom. Again.

Life changed

A few years passed by, and my daughter has grown up quite a bit.

In the meantime, my partner and I made certain changes in our lives to make our daughter’s life happier (apart from me quitting work).

We moved her school from a local dutch school to an international school where she felt more welcome and included. And we stopped her after-school-care.

I came back to the workforce. Again.

Most importantly, post-pandemic, my husband started working from home, so he can drop her off and pick her up and she doesn’t have to stay alone.

Some things don’t change

But my habit of rushing to the office and coming back didn’t stop.

Earlier I rationalized my action because I indeed had to pick my daughter up from an unhappy surrounding. Just the mere thought that she was struggling there, was killing me.

But now, the situation has changed.

She goes to a different school where she feels welcome and included. She doesn’t have to go to after-school anymore. She has homework and assignments which keep her occupied.

Then why do I still rush?

When relaxation becomes a luxury

Apparently, it seems I have forgotten to relax. I have suffered stress and anxiety for so long that I forgot how to relax.

I developed pain in my body which lead to several disorders. I had faced burnout in my life before which I wrote about in detail in this story.

Just worrying became the new norm — my muscled were always tensed, and my fist clenched.

Even during my vacations, I was rushing from one spot to another, always worried about something, God knows what.

I forgot how to fall asleep or remain asleep without having nightmares.

Relaxation became a luxury, which no amount of money could provide.

Mindfulness in everyday life

I have been in therapy for the last couple of years. The effects of the therapy have been pretty slow but noticeable.

My therapist taught me to practice meditation and mindfulness. While the word ‘mindfulness’ has been overused and become a cliche, if practiced daily, can bring wonders. I am a witness to that.

Recently, I observed the thought that I go to Amsterdam daily and I don’t even notice anything.

The practice of gratitude has also opened my eyes to that indeed living so close to such a beautiful place has benefits that I never noticed. I am indeed fortunate and grateful.

My new life

Last month, I decided I am no longer rushing back to work or to home.

If I miss a train, the people at work would understand. If they don’t, then I need to find another place.

I started going for a walk during my lunchtime, noticing my surroundings and capturing the moments on my phone.

While coming back home, when I catch myself rushing or worrying, I stop and look at the beautiful canals. I deliberately pause and look at the sunset or the colorful buildings and their reflections on the water. I tell myself if I miss this train, it’s not the end of the world.

There is peace even in the hustle and bustle, only if you care to pay attention.

Thank you for reading my story.

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I loved reading this article by Neal Lemery where he writes about the joy and purpose in what you do and taking time off when you need it.

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