I Stared Straight Into the Depths of Crazy and Survived; Barely

How I (Painfully) Extricated Myself from a Narcissist

She was smart and attractive, and it was hard not to be a little bit flattered and intrigued when she started flirting with me.

That is how all love interest stories tend to go, some mutual attraction, some mutual curiosity, perhaps some flirting.

Little did I know how dangerous this particular version was going to be, and how quickly it would turn from flirtation to futility.

Everyone has their own particular definition of crazy. In this case, the well-known saying that is often misattributed to Albert Einstein of, “The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results”, probably applies fairly well.

It didn’t take long to figure out that things weren’t going well. We spent as much time arguing as anything else.

And while making up had a few appealing moments in the beginning, typically making up was only a precursor for the next negative discussion. And the cycle was seemingly perpetual, conflict, then heated discussion, apologies, an intent to allow the incident to better form our future relationship, then swooping into a new and different downward turn into conflict.

The fact that she was a narcissist of the highest order with a blackbelt in pathological lie telling might not have mattered quite so much if I had been someone different. It is possible that there is a good match for such a person, but it is not me.

There are always two sides to every coin and my particular contribution to the relationship was my intense drive to not make anyone feel bad.

As the depths of her narcissism unfolded, my need to not make people upset only fed the fires of futility and slowly eroded my soul. Weirdly I think we both knew we were damaging each other, but neither of us could make it stop.

The Mayo Clinic has a very insightful description of the narcissist. Yes, they have an over-inflated sense of self-worth, have a sense of entitlement and need constant admiration. But the key to understanding the narcissist is this piece of the puzzle: “But behind this mask of extreme confidence lies a fragile self-esteem that’s vulnerable to the slightest criticism.” — The Mayo Clinic

You can probably see how my particular disaster unfolded. There were constant slights, never intended of course, but always perceived. She would express her hurt for the slight. I would feel awful; perhaps I would even convince myself that maybe I was a bad person for not anticipating how this would make her feel. Cycle of self-worth destruction renewed.

An example of this is agreeing to meet for lunch or coffee at a specific time. Both of us had jobs where a minor emergency would throw off our time schedule. If that ever happened (and of course it was destined to be so), it would mean that I didn’t appreciate her enough to show up on time. Never mind that I texted to let her know, and it was only a delay of a few minutes.

The interesting (or sadistic?) thing was that in the moment she said it was okay, “I totally get it”, “These things happen”, “It’s to be expected with your job” etc.

Later that was the exact opposite of the case. I rarely knew when things were going to go sideways. That was another fascinating and horrifying component of our relationship.

I was the one that tried to break up the first time. It was about a month into our relationship when I knew there just wasn’t any sort of future — at least no sort of pleasant future.

I also initiated the second and third attempt. I recall that she suggested the fourth attempt. I, with increasing hopelessness, originated five, six and seven.

The relationship with a narcissist is one of patterns. Ours certainly embodied this truth.

My particular kryptonite was my aversion to willingly and purposefully hurt someone. This played right into her hand. I have no idea why she would want to stay in a relationship that was so obviously dysfunctional, except that perhaps she couldn’t bear the thought of being rejected.

That is but only speculation on my part though. I can’t ever expect to truly know what someone else is feeling, I just knew that I had to get out of this cyclical hell.

Our reality became a strange and hopeless existence outlined in hundreds of text messages and tearful voice mails.

I don’t know exactly when it occurred to me, but one day I realized that the only person I had control over was me.

The irony here is thick in that I had said those words countless times to my children and many more times to new firefighters starting out in our organization. I don’t know how many people I had counseled on the concept that the only thing you can truly change is yourself.

I suppose knowing a truth is much easier than acting on a truth most of the time.

I changed; I had to. I blocked her phone number which stopped the texts and phone calls. I blocked social media accounts. I used caller ID to screen calls at work, but I left my work email open as a single line of (presumably) professional communication as our work orbits intersected minimally.

Near silence was the only thing that worked. Narrowing down the communication channels helped immensely. She still managed to dig up a few ways to manufacture quasi-legitimate work reasons to talk on the phone, which always devolved into a personal discussion.

I wasn’t mean, but I was firm. I shut down personal conversations. She said I hurt her feelings. I had to not care.

This strange, painful and relatively short relationship had a profound impact on my life. Yes, I had to learn how to be okay with hurting someone’s feelings. I am still not sure about whether that is a good thing or not.

But a great deal of positive came out of this ordeal. Most importantly, it helped me shape many of the attributes that I value most in a partner. Those are joyfulness, kindness, patience and a willingness to always believe the best about others.

Fortunately, and weirdly I think because of having made it through this past relationship, I have found exactly those things in a partner who is now my wife.

I wouldn’t wish on anyone the burden of being in a relationship with someone that is a compulsive liar and a narcissist. If you are, I hope that number one you recognize it, and perhaps my story will help a bit there. Two, know that if you want to change your future, you will likely need to make significant and difficult changes in yourself to do so. That is the only way out.

Finally, do it today! Make those changes, move on. The future is out there waiting for you, and it is good! I know that now.

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Timothy Key spent over 26 years in the fire service as a firefighter/paramedic and various fire chief management roles. Now moving forward to writing and consulting. For more articles like this, join the mail list.