The power of being vulnerable

Newsflash: None of us are super-human

I am a big, tough, macho firefighter. I don’t cry, nothing affects me. I am a fortress, I am impenetrable, I am invulnerable.

I lived with that persona for many years. It was easy to do because I was surrounded by co-workers that were living the same lie that I was (perhaps they were all those things, but I doubt it).

At the beginning 2012 my fortress crumbled. My long-time marriage disintegrated, and while it was probably one of the most respectful and amicable separations and subsequent divorce ever, I did not handle it well.

I began to slip into a state of depression, and as a defense to that I did what I was used to doing. I circled the wagons tighter, hid inside my firefighter hero costume, and shared even less than normal with my friends and co-workers.

Part of the brave and bold firefighter façade is drinking. Not universally, but it is prevalent enough in the profession that it is noteworthy. It was certainly part of my armor of choice.

By the end of that year, my ability to use alcohol to squelch my feelings began to affect others, namely my children, in a messy and ugly way.

At the urging of a friend (and fortunately I listened), I went to an inpatient rehab facility to address my substance use and abuse.

That was my first exposure to true vulnerability. It was a modulated and structured form, but the individual did have to willfully submit. It wasn’t forced. That was the key.

While there I began to realize that my relationship with alcohol wasn’t my problem so much as a disastrous and chaotic symptom of my inability to manage my emotions and appropriately deal with the realistic stress that anyone and everyone needs to deal with on a routine basis.

I learned that it wasn’t actually the emotional impact of life saving and risk management I did every day as part of my job that was affecting me so negatively; it was my inability to acknowledge and deal with that impact that was killing me, both literally and figuratively.

To effectively deal with my emotions I had to dismantle the armor. I had to be human, and I had to be vulnerable.

Vulnerability isn’t a switch that one turns on and off. Instead, it is something that I needed to consciously work on every day. The key to being vulnerable is truth. It means being truthful to yourself first of all. Then it means sharing your truth with others.

It wasn’t a night and day experience. I found that there is strength in truth, and at first, I was an open book. I didn’t foist my reality on anyone, but I didn’t hold back if they asked. It is a remarkably empowering experience to be completely truthful with someone after years of keeping yourself locked up. I felt the power of being vulnerable, and it is pretty amazing.

But it isn’t all puppies and rainbows. Guess what? It is really easy to slip into a persona. Granted perhaps, a new and different one, but we all tend to form a shell on the outside of ourselves over time.

A few years later, and probably due to in part to my newly acquired self-awareness, I was granted the opportunity to promote into management in the fire department. This brought its own set of preconceptions about what I was supposed to be and look like to anyone else.

You may be familiar with the concept of the Johari Window Model. It postulates that everyone has four elements of self. Area one is a zone that everyone sees, area two is what others see, but the individual does not. Area three is known to the individual and not to others, and area 4 is unknown to all. Here is a Medium article by Richard K. Yu that explains the concept in more depth.

I had been actively shrinking my area that was known only to me by sharing my truth and being vulnerable. With that came a strength and a lightness of being from being accepting of myself and forthcoming whenever it was appropriate.

Now I felt a different sort of pressure to conform to a prototype. This pressure quietly manifested in me opting not to share so freely. Missed opportunities to be open with others occurred. Nothing monumental, no nefariousness. Just missed moments.

A new persona, a different armor began to form. Not as crippling as before, but I felt some of the power and lightness slip away. It can be a struggle to hold on and be true to ourselves when there are so many divergent forces demanding that we fill multiple roles.

Parent, child, sibling, partner, friend, employee; maybe even fire chief. We all are pressed into a variety of roles every day.

There isn’t a surprise twist ending to my story, or a startling revelation here. Simply this truth: you can only experience the power and freedom of being your best self if you can allow yourself to be vulnerable.

It is something that you need to consciously choose to do every day. Today I am reminding myself to be vulnerable by sharing my story on this platform. Tomorrow will be another day.