I Kept Saying One Thing to Myself During My Overly Abusive Divorce

It shows how out of control my husband was making my life

I kept saying one thing to myself during my overly abusive divorce. It shows how out of control my husband was making my life. It demonstrates how much he took over my world.

Looking back, I’m outraged.

I’m furious someone elicited these words from me.

And how much they crowded my thoughts.

I just wanted a divorce. I thought the worst was behind me. I thought divorce would be a resolution to all of the conflict. I certainly didn’t think it would be the beginning of an even more intense battle.

Especially, since my husband had declared combat during our marital problems.

“You started the war,” said my husband. “You’re never going to win.”

“If you think there’s winning and losing in love,” I said. “You’ve already lost.”

My husband was refusing to return to marriage counseling and work on our relationship. He won. He got his way. I continued in couples counseling for one.

I thought he would be content he had secured his advantage.

I was wrong.

The war only intensified.

Before long, I was overwhelmed, sleep-deprived, stressed, and couldn’t think straight. My kids witnessed repo guys invading our driveway late at night, sheriff’s deputies knocking on our door with warrants in debt, and cars that lined the cul de sac filled with the vultures who watch foreclosure notices.

Our health insurance was canceled.

Our electricity was turned off.

The mortgage company sent someone to make sure our house was still occupied.

It was a constant cycle of chaos and unpredictability.

I never knew what financially abusive tactic my husband would inflict next. Or whether he would amp up an old tactic. Cancel the health insurance again, another repo guy, or whatever fed his diabolically abusive needs.

He didn’t care.

I challenged him.

“I need food money and school supplies for the kids,” I said. “I need my car out of the shop so I can drive our children where they need to be. You can’t threaten to not send our son back to college. ’You can’t cancel the health insurance again.”

I did my best to problem-solve.

But as my brother once said, “You solve one problem and he creates another for you. It’s one step forward, two steps back.”

A horrific bully terrorized us for an overly long five-year divorce.

He was willing to hurt our children to hurt me.

I went from being a capable, resilient, strong woman to a stressed-out wreck. I had regrettably made myself financially vulnerable to this man by becoming a stay-at-home mother.

Before long, I realized I kept saying one thing to myself.

“I just want my life back.”

I’m not sure if I said it out loud as much as I said it to myself.

It was a constant thought.

Internally, I was saying leave me alone. Get over it. People get divorced. Move on with your life. Divorce me already. Stop the abuse. Why can’t I escape this man? When will he leave me alone?

I even called my husband’s friends, “Please tell him to stop,” I would plead.

But he wouldn’t.

“When are you going to decide you love our children,” I said. “More than you hate me?”

My husband was so abusively controlling I felt powerless.

He had taken over my life.

And he had taken our kids hostage by doing so.

Those words, “I just want my life back” showed how out of control my husband was making my life during an abusive divorce. It still outrages me that another human being can control you to the point where you feel you have no control over your life. You just want your freedom.

I just wanted my life back.

No one should have to speak these words. Divorce is not an excuse for abuse. A spouse shouldn’t control another spouse to this degree while married or divorcing.

It’s unnatural and abusive.

It’s post-divorce and I’m beginning to feel like I have my life back.

But that thought still creeps in now and then.

Because the devastation and destruction lingers as I rebuild.

But at least the bullying cat finally seems done playing with the mouse.