My Husband Did One Thing That Was Indicative of a Disrespectful Communicator

I didn’t realize it because I thought he was just being an ass

My husband and I are newly married. We are driving in the car and I’m trying to communicate something to him. But it’s going nowhere fast.

“It’s exhausting talking to you,” I say.

“What?” says my husband.

“It’s like point…counterpoint,” I say. “As soon as I say something you have a contradictory rebuttal. I can’t express what I’m trying to say.”

In the world of you can’t make this stuff up or maybe in the world of it’s hard to believe — my husband didn’t seem to do this while we dated for nearly six years.

Maybe it’s because we were young.

I can’t explain it.

But his point…counterpoint thing was the sign of a disrespectful communicator.

I wouldn’t realize this until many years into our marriage. It would be after two different marriage counselors and more than a decade devoted to the research and counseling of relationships and love.

Of course, it was only one predictor of a disrespectful person. There are multiple indicators of a difficult communicator.

But it was definitely my first sign.

And my first memory.

Back then, I thought my husband was just being an ass.

A few years before I left my husband I remember our son entering the kitchen while my husband and I were having a conversation. I was shocked by what he said once my husband left the room.

“Mom,” says my son. “Why do you talk to Dad? It’s the same conversation over and over again. He can’t hear you.”

Out of the mouths of babes.

Our son was about eleven years old at the time.

Ultimately, my work as a relationship columnist would prompt me to coin many quotes on the topic of respect. They are among some of the most widely shared words I’ve written.

As our the articles I’ve covered on the topic.

It demonstrates how many people struggle in disrespectful relationships.

Not to mention, the pain and frustration it causes.

I once wrote, “There’s a calm in respectful relationships and chaos in disrespectful ones.”

Those early conversations of point…counterpoint were tame.

I simply felt frustrated.

It was the infancy of the extreme lack of respect I would experience over the years. It would escalate far beyond these simple exchanges. As would the misery that accompanies disrespectful partnerships.

A lack of respect can destroy a marriage.

It can destroy a friendship or any other type of relationship.

The truth behind that point…counterpoint exchange is this. “Disrespectful communicators can’t hear you because they’ve already decided you’re wrong.”

My husband was challenging what I said.

Unless he completely agreed with me he needed to prove me wrong.

I wasn’t allowed to have a different opinion.

I wasn’t allowed to have my opinion.

Another way of explaining frustrating circular conversation expands on this. “Respectful communicators can hear you. Disrespectful communicators cannot. Because they are preoccupied with one thing, proving you wrong.”

In other words, the whole time I was talking my husband couldn’t listen.

It was beyond his capability.

He was thinking about what he was going to say next.

What did this mean holistically speaking?

It meant there was zero conflict resolution within our relationship.

Let me rephrase that. If my husband had a problem with me we could resolve it. But if I had a problem with him the conflict never disappeared completely.

It simmered below the emotional marital surface.

Until it surfaced again.

This wasn’t a good thing. It created an agonizing and unhealthy cycle in our marriage. It never ended. I was frustrated and exhausted arguing over the same topics.

My husband didn’t care.

It was rewarding to him because he maintained control.

Disrespectful people have a need to be in control. It’s why they won’t allow you to have a different opinion. It’s why they need your worldview to match theirs.

It’s threatening to have someone not think the way they do.

But back to that peace and chaos quote.

It’s because “Respectful relationships resolve conflict. Disrespectful relationships perpetuate it.”

Hence the former promotes peace.

And the latter induces chaos.

When I finally divorced my husband it was a relief for many reasons. But abandoning and escaping those repetitive crazy-making cyclical arguments was emotional emancipation.

It was conflict-free blissful freedom.

The good news is people can learn respectful communication.

Relationships can improve immensely with these tools.

But it was never going to happen in my marriage. That ship had sailed. There was no awareness and no desire. It takes emotional maturity. And that involves an ego that has matured.

Respectful communicators equal a mature ego.

Disrespectful communicators equal an immature ego.

It’s really a matter of growing up.

And that’s why“It’s impossible to resolve conflict with disrespectful people because they communicate with their ego.”

The ego gets in the way.

And it’s a major roadblock to successful, happy, healthy relationships.

I didn’t always communicate respectfully.

The truth is most of us didn’t grow up with the best communication styles. I had the benefit of an older sister who went to marriage counseling many years ago.

It was through her I learned how to communicate more confidently.

And thus, respectfully.

And then I spent years devoted to learning about respect.

It wasn’t easy but it was worthwhile.

Respectful relationships can be some of the easiest, most fulfilling, and joyful relationships we have. They allow us to feel good about ourselves and good with that particular spouse, friend, co-worker, or family member.

I’m so happy to be away from point…counterpoint.

Or an ass.

Whatever way you want to look at it.