The One Thing I Said to My Husband When He Behaved Badly and Outrageously

And the 5 mistakes I made before I said that one thing.

I can’t lie. At first, I had a predictable reaction when my husband began behaving outrageously. I ‘reacted’ to his sudden and uncharacteristic drinking.

Ultimately, I got smarter.

I said only one thing to my husband.

But before I get to that one thing…

I’ll share the pattern of predictable back-and-forth arguments between my husband and me. Some of them still shock me. They make me shake my head. Not only at my husband but at myself.

And I’ll share…

The 5 mistakes I made along the way.

Because somehow in situations like this, we tend to engage the badly behaving spouse.

When it’s the last thing we should ever attempt to do.

The first time my husband got drunk and angry I hadn’t been drinking. We had been at a friend’s house and it was time to leave to attend a family party.

There was no way I could take him to our nephew’s birthday in the shape he was in. I pulled into our driveway and whispered to him because I didn’t want our boys in the backseat to hear what I was saying.

“You can’t come with us,” I say. “You’ve had way too much to drink. It will upset all of the kids to see you like this.”

What happened next started a disturbing cycle.

My husband got out of the car, turned, and threw my Diet Coke can at us. His actions startled me. I exited the driver's side to tell him to go inside. But before I could, he began to pick up other things to throw at us.

Our children were scared and got out of the car and stood next to me.

“Mommy,” says one of our boys. “Make Daddy stop. Daddy is scaring me.”

My husband reached our family room door and hit the button to close the garage door. I was furious and I said a word my small children had never heard me say.

“You’re an asshole!”

It was a total reaction to his outrageous behavior.

With that, my husband spun around and charged at us.

My boys and I jumped back into the car.

My husband was so drunk he’d forgotten that he’d hit the button to close the garage door. And at 6 feet 3 inches, his head slammed right into the top of it as it descended.

There was blood everywhere from his head wound.

I told my kids they needed to stay in the car.

I followed my husband to the bathroom. He was so angry he wouldn’t let me inspect the cut. I was afraid to leave him so I called a friend of his who had been with us at the prior event.

I was shaking.

Once our friend arrived, I made the drive to my sister’s house.

Looking back I don’t know how I drove.

I shook the entire way there. We were so late that the dinner was cold and my sister was annoyed. I kept it together until we were doing the dishes.

“Colleen,” says my sister. “I feel awful I got upset with you. Why didn’t you tell me that had happened?”

“I didn’t want to ruin the party,” I say.

The next day my husband returned from work.

He shockingly acted as if it were no big deal.

Worse, he tried to blame it on me.

“You should know better than to provoke someone who’s drunk,” he says.

“Are you kidding?” I say. “A drunk person can’t blame their bad behavior on the person who was drinking soda the entire time. There’s the door…do not come here after work tomorrow.”

I kicked my husband out for the next three months.

I didn’t care if he had zero history of this behavior or not.

It wasn’t going to happen to me again and it certainly wasn’t going to happen to our children again. I might have made a different decision had he shown any degree of remorse.

But without it, there was no question I wanted him out.

Here’s where I make my first mistake.

I take him back after those three months.

My husband swears it will never happen again. Of course, I believe him. He’s never done anything like this in all the years I‘ve known him. He doesn’t have a history of getting wasted and mean. None.

We begin to see a marriage counselor.

The marriage counselor is a psychologist.

He tells us something I already know. My husband does not have a true drinking problem. He’s not an alcoholic. But he is abusing alcohol and his anger is coming out when he does.

I attempt to figure out what my husband is upset about.

Is he having a midlife crisis? Is he sad over the loss of his father? What is troubling him to the point it’s coming out ferociously and abusively? I find myself rationalizing and making excuses for him.

Another one of my mistakes.

A short time later, my husband does it again.

This time there’s nothing physical just anger.

“You either address whatever is bothering you or stop drinking,” I say. “Or you move out.”

I don’t even remember my husband’s response.

I just remember his choice.

He moves out while our children watch and cry.

He will do this two more times while I foolishly give him another opportunity to redeem himself. And each time I take him back.

Another one of my mistakes.

Because it will prolong the misery my children endure.

I begin to yell. I say ugly things. The kind of words I always say even four walls shouldn’t hear. My behavior digresses as I continue to react to my husband’s bad behavior.

Another one of my mistakes.

The ugliness surfacing in me wasn’t going to quell the ugliness in him.

It was just going to bring us both down.

Or to reference one of my quotes, “We indulge the ugliness in failing relationships when we should be rescuing our own individual beauty, so at least one of the two survive.”

I was becoming exhausted by mommy-ing my husband.

All of my energy was being depleted by him.

“You’re consuming all of my attention,” I say. “I am a mother and I have three little boys who deserve and need that attention.”

Even these words fell upon deaf ears.

My husband could not be responsible for himself.

So I tossed in a few more words believing they might get his attention.

“You’re a husband and a father,” I say. “You’re an adult. It’s up to you to address and stop your own bad behavior.”

Another one of my mistakes.

A husband or a wife shouldn’t have to parent their spouse.

We are supposed to be married to a grown-up.

So let’s do an inventory of the mistakes I made while attempting to tolerate but not tolerate, the outrageously bad behavior my husband was exhibiting toward the end of our marriage.

My mistakes

1. I took my husband who showed no initial remorse back the first time.

2. I enabled his bad behavior by trying to rationalize and make excuses for it.

3. I gave him repeated chances despite his repeatedly bad behavior.

4. I reacted to his bad behavior and I began to behave badly myself.

5. I tried to parent him by reminding him he’s an adult which wasn’t my job.

But there’s another mistake I made.

It’s a comprehensive one.

And potentially the worst one I made.

I allowed our home to revolve around one person’s bad behavior.

It was a terrible example to set for my children. It was unhealthy. It established a form of control because one individual was setting the temperature for our entire family. One person controlled our sense of safety, predictability, peace, and joy.

I regret giving one person so many chances to do the right thing.

All supposedly, in the name of love and family.

It was really in the name of foolishness and naivete.

I got smart enough eventually to say just one thing to my husband.

Where is your self-respect?

And then I walked out the door.