INFLATED FOOD/THE TOP SHELF

I Have Grave Concerns About Food, Mainly, How to Pay for It

Is this an alternate universe or am I poor?

Nah. I’m not poor, but now that my husband has retired, we’re living on a “fixed income.” Why does that sound so sad, when really, it’s not?

Because, in thinking about the word itself, one could assume that I have my own Michael Cohen, or a loyal goomba to put the fix on another one of my goomba’s so that we’d be set for the duration. That’s how it works in movies, anyway.

Hell, it’s all semantics.

My income here is certainly “fixed.” Fixed at, “the month I make a grand or have a story go viral will probably happen around the Twelfth of Never.”

But, whining aside, I make something. For whatever that’s worth. (Not much). And my husband will be freelancing for his former company as they are having a hard time replacing him, which is a good thing.

Still, as the accountant in my household, I’ve become obsessed with our coffers and nowhere does the fixed income thing hit me hardest than at the grocery store.

Certainly, you can relate. We’re bleeding money on damn near everything here in the land of the free and it hurts. Hard-earned money, for most of us.

Ongoing supply chain issues, higher oils costs, overall inflation—these factors and more are impacting what we’re handing over to that bored, needs-a-good-scrubbing cashier at our local market. (By the way, ours rarely tell us how much we’ve spent. They give us that deer in the headlight gaze and let the receipt do the work. Probably afraid of being shot.)

The other day, while picking up a few things at our nearby grocery, a sign in the produce section alerted shoppers to the happy news that bananas were on “sale.” To the tune of seventy-nine cents a pound.

And that’s what constitutes a “sale” these days.

Too, these sale-priced bananas were at their peak ripeness, indicating a double screwing. But, there’s always banana bread, if you’re the type who delights in delighting your family with goodies baked fresh from the oven. Unfortunately, I am not. I try, but sifters and I don’t get along.

Now, I’m not so frugal (ok, cheap) where I won’t buy bananas because they’re ridiculously overpriced. But, overpriced and overripe is unacceptable. This is where a little thing called principle comes into play.

So, yes, we have no bananas. For now.

Everything from cookies to staples like bread and coffee has dramatically spiked in price. Fortune Magazine says that early in December of 2021, inflation rates rose 6.8% over the previous year and are still climbing.

Drilling it down, according to the U.S. Department of Agriculture’s food-at-home index, meat, poultry, fish, and egg prices have risen a whopping 12.8%.

High feed prices, an inability to meet the demand for these items both nationally and internationally, labor shortages, and again, that friggin’ supply chain “glitch” have contributed to the increase.

This makes me very happy that I don’t eat red meat, although my husband does so yeah, I’ll plunk down the big bucks for a decent slab of beef every now and again.

As I wander up and down the store aisles perusing the loaves of bread for four bucks and up, and the six-dollar packages of lunch meat, along with the exorbitant prices for breakfast cereal, I almost feel ashamed that I worry about how much we’re spending on food, when there are so many families struggling to make ends meet.

How do they do it? How do they make their hungry kids a sandwich when any remotely healthy fillers cost an arm and a leg? I don’t drink milk so I’m unsure as to what a gallon costs for a family of four, let’s say, but, everything else has gone up, so certainly dairy’s fair game.

Dairy comes from cows. Cows need feed. The cost of feed, like everything else, has surged. And around and around we go.

So I’ve decided I need to modify my behavior in regard to shopping for food. You know the old saw that we women turn into our mothers? Well, I certainly have in that when I cook, I make a ridiculous amount of food, as my late mother used to. Even though it’s just my husband and myself. And then, because I feel guilty, I eat leftovers for days afterward, heedless of the fact that they may be past their prime.

My husband rarely does leftovers so the salmonella risk is all on me. As fortunate as I’ve been, I did get food poisoning once from some chicken and cabbage dish I’d concocted, and talk about ca-ca!

Never, again.

Perhaps you’re like me. Does a sale on apples turn you on? To the point where you’ve practically cleaned out the Pinatas bin? (They’re sublime, by the way.)

I’m embarrassed to admit how much produce I’ve had to toss because I loaded my cart with far more lettuce, avocados, tomatoes, berries, and broccoli than we could eat while at their peak of freshness.

I’m ashamed of that. So, I’m going to have to change. But, I could use a few guidelines as I still want to eat healthily while not feeling like a shit for tossing that soggy bag of kale that I had every intention of using.

If food prices are weighing heavily on your psyche as well as your household budget, perhaps these tips from WebMd can help you, too.

Plan ahead.

Now generally, this is where I suck. I find myself trundling off to the grocery store nearly every day because I don’t make a weekly meal plan. Hell, I never know from one day to the next what we’ll be eating for dinner. That has to change.

Before shopping, we should take an inventory of our fridge and pantry so as not to over-buy. That’s where the waste comes in. Also, as I’ve found on several occasions, it’s not a good idea to shop for food whilst hungry. It makes sense to have a light snack beforehand so as not to go batshit in the snack foods aisle.

And hell, check the ads in your local paper or online and take advantage of any coupons available for items you regularly purchase. If you can save a buck, save a damned buck.

Buy produce in season.

This is important. Why pay ten times the price of fresh corn because it’s not in season? Better to buy a bag of frozen kernels. At least they’ll keep. Also, weather permitting, don’t forget to check out local farmers' markets where you’ll find all sorts of goodies that won’t bust your budget.

Brown-bag it.

Now this may be a moot point as so many people are working remotely thanks to the “gift that keeps on giving,” otherwise known as Corona, but if you do go into an office, bring your lunch. Because you know what will happen if you don’t. You’ll head to the burrito joint down the street and scarf one the size of a football. Not healthy and a strain on the wallet.

Consider buying food that’s frozen, canned, or even dried.

Produce is normally frozen at the peak of ripeness, so you’re getting great bang for your buck, as it’s cheaper than fresh. If you go the canned route, say with beans, you’re also spending wisely because beans and legumes can be used in countless ways. Toss them into soups, stews, salads or make them the focus of a meal. Just remember to rinse and drain them, first.

Consider canned or dried fruit, as well. You’ll save a few bucks and with dried fruit, especially, you’ll enjoy a higher concentration of flavor.

Frozen fish and poultry are also wise options as you can use just the amount you need and seal up the rest. Think family packs of chicken legs, for example. But, don’t go overboard as I just did because now, I have enough baked chicken for a football team crowding my fridge.

Try vegging out once a week.

Meat-eaters, don’t get your undies in a wad at this. Eating meat-free one or two days a week won’t kill you. Quite the contrary. And doesn’t a dish like eggplant parmesan sound delish? Or pasta with homemade marinara sauce? And eggs! Who doesn’t like breakfast for dinner? They’re an incredible source of protein as are the aforementioned canned beans. If you’re stuck on ideas for vegetable-forward meals, just Google. That’s what it’s there for.

Don’t be a food snob.

In other words, consider trying your market’s generic brand rather than the big names with even bigger markups. For many items, like cereal, that box of “Toasted Oats” is no different than Cheerios. What’s more, “All food manufacturers follow standards to provide safe food and beverage products of high quality,” says Robert Earl, director of nutrition policy for the Grocery Manufacturer Association.

Generic canned beans and vegetables will also save you a few shekels, but, as with any other grocery item, always check the labels to ensure you’re getting the most for your money. And not paying for unhealthy fillers.

Buy and cook in bulk.

Straight up: I haven’t done Cosco or Sam’s Club in years because as I said, my household consists of my hubby and I and our three cats. (But, with the speed at which I go through butt-wipe, maybe I should reconsider.)

That said, these big box stores are great for preparing food in bulk and freezing it in family-sized portions. Pasta sauce is a great example and will taste better than anything store-bought.

You can also see if your community has any shopping cooperatives that sell food in bulk at substantial savings.

Before tossing something in your cart, think about what you’ll use it for.

This is where I’ve screwed up time and again because as I said, I’m not a great meal planner. I’m more of a, “Oh, that can of dragon fruit is on sale. Gotta get a few of those!” And I certainly did get a “few” as I read that dragon fruit can stand in for meat in many recipes. Do you know what I did with it? I threw them away as I let them sit, unused for so long that they were well past their expiration date. Sinful, I know. And sadly, I’m not alone. The Environmental Protection Agency estimates that Americans generate roughly 30 million tons of food waste each year. We are a wasteful lot and for my part, I’m going to do my best to not be an asshole who throws out food while so many people go to bed hungry.

So don’t buy that jar of lemon curd unless you plan on baking a pie. Or are considering incorporating it in a sexually specific way that will undoubtedly put the tang back in your lagging relationship.

Use your imagination.

Start a garden.

Yes! You can grow our own produce, guys. I used to grow tomatoes and even had a special box for them. But, I got lazy last summer and it filled up with weeds. I made give it another shot, though because store-bought tomatoes can be as expensive AF. And, you can’t beat the taste of a home-grown, Early Girl.

Notice I haven’t mentioned booze, yet. If you don’t imbibe, you’re already saving big, but if you do, then you’re aware liquor prices of shot up thanks to the fact that so many people are so fucking miserable that a shot or two of Old Grandad after watching All Bad News All The Time (CNN), is practically rote.

The reason I’m writing this story hinges on my alarming observation that lately, I seem to be grocery shopping daily, and never do I leave the store without dropping a minimum of fifty bucks, usually more.

You know how that feels, standing in the checkout line watching your items being bagged and wondering where the F all your money went to.

It went to that six-dollar pint of Keto ice cream, that’s where.

So my plan now, and if you’re in the same fix, I hope you’ll follow suit, is to attempt to use up all the shit I have stacked in our two refrigerators, as well as our pantry, and the several shelves in our laundry room filled with canned and bottled food, boxed items like Triscuits and a shit-ton of rice cakes. Every flavor imaginable, from “lightly salted,” to “tomato basil” to “chocolate chip.”

Yes. I have a problem.

So, in order to use up all the food we already have, I guess I’m going to have to pull out those two bags of Cauliflower Gnocchi from Trader Joe’s which were bought months ago and never saw the light of day, and actually cook them up. What a concept.

Also, I’ll use up all the canned soups I bought because I was too lazy to make my own. Not the sodium-laden crap. Rather, the stuff that screams “healthy” on the can. And instead of sipping wine at wine o’clock, I’ll wipe out one of those expensive cartons of bone broth.

As for our stack of canned beans, I’ll toss those in salads and homemade soups, after we’ve finished off the canned variety. Or, I’ll finish them, as my husband rarely does canned anything, except for chili. I used to make that too and it was bangin.’

Shit. Maybe I’m the problem, here. I’ve become way too complacent. Obviously, I need to make significant changes if we’re going to afford to keep on eating. Like planning a week’s worth of meals in advance. Other people do it. Certainly, I should be able to handle that, right?

Right?

Wow. Writing this is cathartic. I feel a whole new me coming on. One who cooks and bakes and plans for more of the same and writes stories that hopefully, will help people who are as screwed up as I am.

Stories that might even “go viral” so I can make some real dough. Hell. Maybe this will be the day my ship comes in.

What do you think? Can you help me experience the viral thing? I really want to go to Trader Joe’s and stock up. I hear their Chili Onion Crunch is the bomb. Five or six jars ought to do it.

Thank you, in advance. I’m excited.

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Sherry McGuinn is a slightly-twisted, longtime Chicago-area writer and award-winning screenwriter. She is currently pitching her newest screenplay, “The Month We Fell Apart,” a drama with dark, comedic overtones and inspired by a true story, as well as “DEAD TIRED,” a female-driven, ass-kicking thriller.

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