8 Things You Should Be Doing When You Go to the Toilet

Trust me: Can-do

Normally, I don’t write stories like these, but every now and again, an idea will pop into my head and I just have to get it out, you know? Kind of like when you have to do a Number 2. Really bad. And you’re in the grocery store.

Well, toss that box of Fiber One into your cart and haul ass home to your own throne because you never know about public bathrooms…especially, these days. More to the point, you’re not going to want to miss this valuable intel.

Now, going to the toilet is pretty rote. We perform this basic function several times a day without really thinking about it. Unless we have a functional problem, like a bladder the size of a chickpea, or Irrational Bowel Syndrome. Wait, that’s not right, is it? Well, you know what I mean.

“For anyone here who suffers from IBS, please don’t get on my ass, mmmkay? It was just a slip of the key-stroke.”

Back to the john. Now, as a multi-tasker, I like to do several things at once. This can be annoying to other people. “Other people,” being my husband as hardly anyone else sees me these days. This fluttering about from one task to another makes him nervous, but I am who I am. An OCD-ridden, fast-moving, forthright-speaking, sometimes-bad-tempered, pain in the ass.

So, when I’m in the toilet, I don’t just do my business, I take care of business. You should too, as you’ll be amazed at the time you’ll free up for other things. Like monitoring the rising death count on CNN and sending up fervent prayers that Donald Trump drops dead of a massive coronary.

Unfortunately, I’m one of those people who has a bladder the size of a legume, so I skedaddle to the can about every ten minutes. That’s why I need to make my time count. Of course, taking a pee (or rather, leaving one), doesn’t last long, but it’s your time, people. Make of it what you want.

Number 2 takes longer, thankfully, giving you more time to work with, but more on that in a minute.

Before you absorb my 5 Going to the Toilet Tips, make sure yours is properly pimped out. Stash plenty of disinfectant wipes and glass cleaner in the cabinet so you can multi-task as I do.

This move will also guarantee you success on Medium, but don’t ask me why as I don’t have a frigging clue.

Also, be sure to have floss because a hygienic mouth is a happy mouth and you need to floss anyway, so why not do it while you pee or poop?

Another toilet must-have: If the pandemic has turned you into a, well, a drinker of note, and you want to hide it from your partner, stash a bottle of your preferred poison in the toilet tank. Not a big one as you don’t want to muck up the works. A half-pint will do. You can always order more.

Let’s get to the good stuff. Here, in no particular order, are the 5 Things You Should Do When Going to the Toilet.

1. Before you void, clench your butt-cheeks or do a few Kegels and clean that nasty counter-top with a disinfectant wipe. If the mirror is spattered with toothpaste globs and spittle, clean that, too. You’ll be amazed at the feeling of accomplishment these small tasks can bring.
2. Do the prep. For women: Don’t sit on the can until you’ve yanked down your Pandemic Pants and underwear (if wearing). For men: No whizzing until you’ve unzipped and yanked it out. So, in summation, either yank it down or yank it out. (You’d think people would already know this, but just like us schlubs that don’t know we should be creating great content here on Medium, you can’t assume anything)
3. If you’re in the toilet for a quick pee, take a minute or two to floss. Make sure the floss goes into the can and not on the floor where your cat can find it.
4. Take a tug from that bottle you stashed.
5. If you’re in for a long sit-down, check your Medium stats on your phone, as we go everywhere with our phones, no? If you’re slightly-blocked and the numbers don’t make you want to crap, nothing will. When you’re done with your stats, you can check out some of my Medium stories. You might have to search though, as they’re never curated.
6. After you’ve checked your stats, take a few minutes to sext the person you met on Twitter with whom you’re “virtually” cheating on your partner. Now don’t look down at your shoes in embarrassment as we’re all doing it. Our “live-ins” are driving us nuts, right?
7. Don’t flush until you’ve checked out your poo. You’re probably eating a lot of crap these days, pun intended, and you want to be sure yours is in the “normal” range. A healthy poo should be medium to dark brown with no blood and a soft to firm texture. Did you get that? NO BLOOD. As for shape, crap is all over the lot, but here’s a chart to help you out from the good folks at Medical News Today.

Keep in mind: Only the best poos “make it” on Medium! Almost done. Stay with me.

8. Wipe. Flush. Wash your hands for at least two minutes with plenty of soap and hot water, and, depending upon what that poo looked like, take another tug off that half-pint and go about your business.

Now, go forth and “make it” on Medium. You’re welcome.

© Sherry McGuinn, 2020. All Rights Reserved.

Sherry McGuinn is a slightly-twisted, longtime Chicago-area writer and award-winning screenwriter. Her work has appeared in The Chicago Tribune, Chicago Sun-Times, and numerous other publications. Sherry’s manager is currently pitching her newest screenplay, a drama with dark, comedic overtones and inspired by a true story.

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