ROGUES’ GALLERY RANT

Why Does Life Feel Like One, Big, Failed Log-In Attempt?

On really, really being sick of the bullshit we all have to go through, to get through

Off the bat, I realize the frustrations I’m about to share aren’t third-world issues, but, I’m yanking my hair out, just the same, and perhaps, you’re short of a few strands yourselves.

Daily, I’m drowning in a sea of forgotten or discarded email addresses and passwords. It feels like I’m being shut out of my own life. Could this be an indicator that the end is near? Should I bend over, grab my ankles and kiss my ass goodbye?

Should you?

Here’s one example: For years, I’ve been a monthly paying member of IMDBPRO, which, as the name implies, is the “professional” offshoot of the International Movie Database.

As a screenwriter, my membership is essential to my being able to connect with other industry players as the Pro version includes contact information for producers, agents, managers, and the like. Plus, I have my own page on the site.

Yesterday, seemingly out of the blue, I was prompted to log in. I haven’t had to do that in, like, forever because to the best of my knowledge, my subscription doesn’t expire until I say so. As has happened on other sites of late, my log-in failed due to my entering a different email address than the one I originally signed on with or an incorrect password. Or, both. Normally, I’m quite good at writing this shit down, but naturally, this time I couldn’t find my original info.

There is no customer service. Nada. Insanely, one must be able to log in to access the IMDBPRO “help” page. This is fucked up on so many levels, I don’t even know where to begin.

Now, I would expect that, at the monthly fee of $20 or the “discounted” annual rate of $150, there would be some assistance available. But, no. There is none. Nada.

I tried their workaround, which was to click on another link and select my issue from a list that of course, didn’t include my issue, and then, hit “submit” with the assurance that one of their service reps would get back to me.

Do you think that happened?

So, today, like the schmuck I am, I “re-joined” IMDBPRO for a “thirty-day free trial,” after which, they will dip into my checking account and relieve me of the $150 annual fee. Which I’ve already paid for, for chrissake.

Why is there never any fucking help, anywhere, anymore?

This isn’t an isolated incident by a long shot. Every day, we’re encountered with entities that are perfectly happy to take our money, but when the shit goes south, they skedaddle like cockroaches.

Take CoSchedule, the headline analyzer. I rarely use this, and I’m talking about the free version, but several of my favorite writers do so I decided to give it a shot.

Turns out, I had already signed up months ago, but, do you think it accepted my log-in info? Fuck, no! What would be the fun in that?

So, I dutifully contacted the invisible “help” people and two days later, received a password reset link. In the scheme of things, that’s four-star service, by God.

I’ve written about my Assbook account being hacked twice in two weeks. The process for getting back in is akin to emotional waterboarding. Finally, after multiple failed attempts with again, no help, I opened another account by tweaking my name.

Yesterday, I receive an email from the big Asses in response to my contacting them weeks ago with all the necessary information to re-open my original account. In fact, I sent the damned thing so long ago that I forgot about it.

This was the response:

Hi,

Thanks for sending us your ID. Unfortunately we can’t use it to confirm your identity because we either can’t see the information we need, or the information we need isn’t included on the ID you submitted.

The info we need to see is: - Your name - Your photo - Your date of birth

If you don’t have an ID, you can use other documents to confirm your identity on Facebook. To learn more about what documents you can send, please visit the Help Center: https://www.facebook.com/help/159096464162185?ref=cr

Thanks for working with us to get this sorted out. We hope to hear from you so we can help.

Thanks Facebook Security

This is after sending them a photo of my driver’s license!

Here’s my response:

Hi,

Screw you. I already opened another account, so fuck right off.

It’s not difficult to understand how some people do a total disconnect. From everything. And then high-tail it to the woods.

User names. Passwords Two-factor authentications. Where does it end? And what happens in the catastrophic event that we lose everything? Do we cease to exist?

Here’s the deal. No one wants human contact. Even our healthcare professionals prefer that we log into a website to receive test results. For a medical-phobe like me, this requires popping a Xanax beforehand.

Remember the days when doctors actually called us? At home? If you don’t, please, keep it to yourself.

Because of all the convoluted bullshit, transactions that should take mere minutes stretch into days, depending upon the severity of the fuckup.

Log into your bank account with the wrong user name and/or password and you get one try to make it right. Make that mistake again, and prepare to get on the horn with your friendly “personal banker” who will require you to stick your head up your own asshole in order to reclaim your financial information.

This banking fiasco has happened to me and as I share this, it occurs to me that some of you may assume I’ve ventured into “doddering” territory. I assure you, I haven’t.

And, I take full responsibility for my various screw-ups as I need to write the crap down the very moment I make any changes to my numerous user names, email addresses, and passwords.

Now, I’m not a Luddite. I know there are such helpful digital accoutrements as password managers, but I’m not sure I trust them. It took years to build up my list and damn it, I’d prefer to retain control of it.

But still, why does it have to be so damned hard to make things right? Does one have to be ridiculously wealthy to get a modicum of personal attention from an actual human? Or a return email in a timely manner?

Of course. That must be part of it. If the air we breathe isn’t of the rarified sort, if we have little to no pull, if we’re nothing more than an everyday putz trying to navigate this minefield called “life,” then we should just bend over and acquiesce to our routine fuckings.

Hell. Why straighten up, at all?

If you can handle it, read every one of my stories and those of other fab Medium writers. I’ll get a couple of shekels and you’ll have full access to this whole joint! https://sherrymcguinn.medium.com/membership

Sherry McGuinn is a slightly-twisted, longtime Chicago-area writer and award-winning screenwriter. She is currently pitching her newest screenplay, “The Month We Fell Apart,” a drama with dark, comedic overtones and inspired by a true story, as well as “DEAD TIRED,” a female-driven, ass-kicking thriller.

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