I Found Myself Have These Traits Of Aspergers!

After dug in any informations, comparing various personality disorders, I believe I'm an Aspie!

In the previous posts, I have written about my struggles in social life and also my confusions, wondering why everybody can be so easy to engage in any levels of conversation while I’m very worst in this vital capability.

I felt confused about why other people seems very easy to make any decision while I’m, even just for a simple thing, used to think a thousand times to collect my determination. Also, thinking about why everybody can be multitasking, while I found it’s difficult to switch to another thing fastly and can only focus on one thing within a period of time.

When I was kid, I felt tortured and confused about why other boys kept make fun on me.

At the same time, in frustration wondering why I’m not like other kids who can easily catch a ball, playing any games passionately while I have no interest at all as it’s always difficult to follow and counterbalance other kids’ skills.

Didn't get positive supports

In my young age, without any supports and awareness from my family, I was truly overwhelmed and depressed, questioning what’s wrong with me! Why I can not be like others!

That time, I didn’t see any other kids who appeared like me. No have much friends made me felt alone and the weirdest boy both at school and in family.

Yes, I born and grew in a family and society where being normal, being general as common people is a must. If we behave oddly, it’s odd and ridiculous!

That’s why everybody who’re not have enough empathy tend to bully and humiliate me.

When a kid can’t pursuit any standard perfectly, or when they’re worst in some popular areas, these people will mark them as a loser. And it happened to me. All kids around me were good in athletic and swimming well, and I couldn’t. My mom and some neighbors thoughtlessly shaming me because of that.

The main problem they did that to me was that physically I’m normal. In a slight sight, I looked normal as other kids, but when it’s time to socialize, to talk, to interact, to perform some skills, people will see me different, oddly speaking, awkwardly behave towards others and weak in some activities/lessons (sports, maths, etc). When physically you’re normal, but act abnormal or can’t do any kind of tasks, you will invite curiosity and become a target of harassment and mocking.

Truly, being “normal” is hard work for me. Moreover, in the situation where people surround me tend to look everything black and white, good to see or weird to see.

Years under wrong treatments make me unconfident, do not comfort with myself and always thinking that God doesn’t love me.

Finding my identity

As growing older, getting any informations from TV, internet, from reading books, I began to have a thought that certainly there’s something wrong with me. I’m not just a shy, quiet and introvert as people often said about me. It’s more than that… I can differentiate between the born naturally shy person and look shyness because of suffering a syndrome.

Curious to find that probably I have a syndrome which has given me those difficulties socially, I began to search any type of personality disorders, mental illness, and all kinds related to mentality problems.

I'm surprised to find there re various kinds of personality disorders. Before that moment, I only knew about people with physical disabilities, cleptomania, and Autism (in general). I found some new disorders, schizoid personality disorder, paranoid disorder, asperger syndrome, borderline personality disorder, narcissistic, social anxiety disorder, avoidant personality disorder, and many more.

I read all their general traits and then I was suspicious to have Aspergers syndrome!

But to make sure that I’m an Aspie, I explored another personality disorders deeper for comparison, to be more assured that I’m people with Aspergers syndrome.

And after carefully and intensively examined each of them, finally I found and feeling certain that all my odd behaviours are really match with Aspergers syndrome’s common traits!

I still remember, that time I was crying silently. I know there re other people who have greater difficulties than me, but truly it’s still hard to life with those oddness as it has been affecting my social life…

Here are some of my specific behaviours that indicate I'm an Aspire, person with Asperger:

1. Lack of eye contact. Everytime I meet or talk to someone, I avoid eye contact. I would just see anywhere out of their eyes while doing conversation. It’s always uncomfortable staring at someone face more than 2 seconds! I don’t feel a sense of connection when I have to stare at someone else’s eyeballs while talking.
2. I tend to feel more comfortable doing repetitive activities. I have scheduled activities for my daily routine. I choose to work in place where I don’t have to do any different and unpredictable tasks for each day.
3. I feel upset and anxious if there’s sudden change in my day to day organized activities. When something unexpected events come into my daily routine, all the schedules scattered, I get anxious and often doing nothing that day or try (with struggles) to focus to that unexpected event (if it’s really important to handle) and neglect my daily schedules.
4. I often get overwhelmed with sounds, especially unnecessary repetitive sound and loud noises, loud laughing and speaking. And of course the snaps when people fighting or having arguments. The seems unending annoying crying also bother me, even it’s just in movie's scene.
5. I’m also sensitive with strong smells. I hate people smoking, or neighbor burns trashes. It makes me dizzy and irritated. Strong perfume with unusual fragrances also often makes me nausea and sneezing.
6. I speak soft, flat without intonation. People say I speak like a low battery robot!
7. I talk a little as I’m weak in composing sentence and delivering my thought into descriptive, long and thoughtful words. I’m worst in doing argumentation or explaining complicated things or doing deep analysis.
8. My spoken grammar is not always up to scratch. I slur my words or stuttered and say them in the wrong order when I’m in nervous state.
9. I avoid talking on the phone, more comfortable through email or phone messages. Talking and doing something without preparation about what to say and to do is anxious.
10. I don’t know how to involve and build a conversation. I just numb, my brain blank when someone suddenly comes and speak to me. I would just like stay in another world when people talking each other passionately. I don’t know how can they do that! I truly can’t be involved/took part in their conversation and oftentimes don't have interest as I don't understand what they’re talking about.
11. Small talks is always awkward thing to do. Greeting people I meet is odd thing to perform. That’s why people often saying I’m arrogant. Actually it’s not my intention to act arrogantly towards them. I only reach out someone if I really have important things to do/talk. No further chit chat after it delivered.
12. I have subtle expression. I’m the muted person in the room! If I’m laughing, I just open my mouth showing my teeth without any sound even just for letting a chuckle like others. When I’m happy, in sadness and surprised, I will show the same flat expression in front of everyone. It seems I can’t express things perfectly as it should be. I’m the most unreadable person.
13. I’m always interested in categorizing something. Often get absorbed in generalise something, like browsing any kinds of rose hybrids or count artist name in specific initials word. I do it again and again, and I'm never boring to do that! It’s refreshing when I can collect and found things as much as I could or reach the targeted amount.
14. Aspergers often fascinated by art and all things beautiful. That’s me! I love drawing, listening music, gardening.
15. Clumsiness, especially in a tensed/uncomfortable situation. I'm the last boy who reach the finish line in running game. I'm not too clumsy walker, but I have to wear sandals everyday to protect my toes as my feet often bump the chair legs. It's so pain when hitting the chair or desk!
16. I prefer doing anything alone. Watch TV alone, eat alone, etc. If someone wandering around me or watching me while I’m doing something, I will feel irritated and awkward. Both at home and school, I enjoy playing alone as I have no friend. I live in my own world.
17. I’m worst in short therm memory. I often lost any important ideas that comes up my thought suddenly then distracted by another thought or an activity. I have to write any idea or crucial things on a note pad once it’s up of my mind.
18. I have a vivid imagination. My daydreaming abilities can easily trump the average person. I love thinking, fantasizing, and questioning things.
19. Occasionally I come out with some weird sayings or ideas. Sometimes feel embarrassed when I realize my idea is irrational. Everyone at home would be surprised or cringe with my sudden idea or activities.
20. I'm obsessive. When I'm interested into something, I will be engrossed and focused to explore any aspects of it detailly. The problem is with my limited capabilities, oftentimes not with maximum result, and it's disappointing.

Closing thoughts

It seemed, I didn’t develop the same way as my peers. When my classmates learnt how to socialize, communicate and develop some physical skills (and they succeeded), I struggled to relate to the world around me.

Due to get any complaints and the demands to behave “normal”, there were moments where I’d tried to act normal. To be more expressive, to let a laugh when there’s something funny, or to express my happiness with a jolly jump when getting a prize, or telling my feelings about something that I felt interesting for them to hear.

But instead encouraged me to express more, they even looked at me oddly! It’s was like they said, “What the hell are you doing?” or “Why d’you talk things weirdly like that?”

For sure it’s shrunken me… And unconsciously making self-assurance that I’m really strange...

Truly, a person who suffers mental illness needs help to manage their anxieties and find ways to cure their symptoms. We can't belittle and left them behind. Support from people surroundings them will help them cope with their difficulties.

Thank you for reading!

You can open up about yourself too or share anything from poem to life lessons in my publication, Be Open! :-)