Finally I Found My Oddness Has Names

The moment I believed that I have syndromes. My oddness was not caused by the demon snake!

That afternoon in my bedroom, I shed tears silently to know that I’m not alone. Knowing that in this earth, there are also millions people like me going through the same troubles was like my desolation scales were reduced instantly as my torment and anxieties have been divided with them.

Oftentimes when I was in the so down state, when finding it seemed only me to have these difficulties, I would get a desperate thinking that I’m the unlucky one or had been cursed by God.

My logical perception about the main reason of my odd personalities was mixed with irrational thoughts, caused I have no reference at all about any personality disorder cases then.

And that finding moment was like ended my confusion and subconscious self-judging that my weirdness wasn’t exactly made by witchcraft, cursed by God, or caused by a demon snake that resides in my back as my mom had told me, but out there, somebody and even a lot of people have recognized it.

And the experts have medically identified these oddness as a form of personality disorder. Even they already have a specific name for it, an Asperger’s Syndrome! (now it’s included into Autism spectrum).

Finally I found the logical reason why or where my oddness came from. However, I don’t know yet about if (in my case) it’s passed down genetically or the environment condition that have created the impact. I ever read that getting bad treatments during childhood to adolescent phase will affect mental growth and development.

You can read my struggles to have the oddness and being bullied because I looked different to other ‘normal’ kids in this story:

Confused and Distressed to Live With Strange Personalities

I can say, as a child struggled debilitating shyness, I always facing difficulties interacting with others, involved in the group and making myself interesting to befriend with.

So, other people who doesn’t have much good empathy would usually see me in questions related to my awkward behaviours. You must know, kids who look different, weak or weird will usually become the target of bullying.

Yes, in most aspects, like sport, verbal lessons or group performaces, I always became the worst. No matter how hard I try, it seemed I could never become like other kids.

I felt like I was the loser as my mom also always compared me to other kids who were better than me. She often complained and belittled me in front of other people without having any sensitivity that it really hurt me and affect my self-esteem to drop to the lowest level.

The bulliest at school called me weak, shemale or alien. They laughed at me to see me stammered when a teacher asking some easy lessons. They called me a girl because I spoke softly.

Oftentimes, I got confused for getting those markings, about why those things seemed only addressed to me. Also wondering if is it true that I’m really as strange as those people have a thought about me?

Some kids and teachers called me professor. It felt biased for me if it was a praise or just a kidding or a form of mocking. However lately, I could perceive they’re laughing at my weirdness. From the whispers, they said I’m nerd, eccentric, a loner and a serious face kid and a very boring boy!

No One Aware of My Struggles

Then as time goes and getting such treatments continuously, it become completely a belief that I’m different (in negative aspect) as also based on my observation, it seemed only me the weirdo in the class and throughout my school.

And as raised in the family which have low awareness about mental health, I was truly lost direction and neglected psychologically. When I needed support, expected some encouragements, they were not there for me. It felt nobody care about me.

So, in desperate defence, instinctively I myself made a shield in an attempt to not getting any mockings, namecalling and critics about my oddness. I made a distance with everybody and lived in my isolated world. It’s easy to do as my natural personality is like a seed of that condition to happen.

Definitely it’s not a proper solution as made me more strange for everyone and could even farther for me to get any help.

In result, my mental condition worsen with age. As an adult, I’m totally the unreachable person, truly life in my own world. I almost don’t have deep conversations even with my family at home. I’m not comfortable to initiate any relationship with people.

I’m like a solitaire fox, live in the frozen snowfield who can only observe others’ life from a far.

And my family seems to be used with my behaviors and personality. No mockings and complains anymore. They don’t expect me to be perfect again or to act as they want.

I’m not sure if they have already been accepting me as who I am or just thinking that if they give some attention, it would just waste their time considering ‘I’m not so easy to direct’. Some are ignorant, some just knowing but without curiosity. However, a few seem can understand my struggles and try to give a help.

But it was too late, I have already lived in a distance, the untouchable person both physically and in soul.

I tend to impulsively draw myself away when someone trying to enter my private area as it feels so uncomfortable and threatening, besides in fact I always be the person who can’t make supple intercommunication.

Until one day, in a family gathering, I heard my sister in law talked about me in the back that I’m autistic! She said all of my specific behaviours are related to autism.

She pointed out about I seems to live in my own world, about I have no eye contact, less talking and she also paid attention to my cold expression.

To hear that, I was stunned. It’s like finally someone has given attention to my strangeness. However, I still wondered if was that true that I’m an autism person? I really didn’t have a thought that I’m part of them.

The Finding Moment

My curiosity led me to do a research online. Slowly, I found the courage to turn to the internet and sourced any characteristics of children and adult with autism.

And the traits were mostly matched with what I have always been struggling with!

I also read about some public figure’s stories and random people who shared their experience about their difficulties of being autistic person. And while reading their stories, it was like I see myself. In this part, I was crying to realize that I’m not alone.

Some are people that look general and even lots of them are successful in their field. I just knew that Bill Gates was diagnosed Autism.

Additionally, from his story, I found the Aspergers Syndrome which is stated as a mild version of severe Autism. Previously Asperger was categorized separately, it's now a part of Autism Spectrum Disorder.

I just knew that Autism is like gradation. It has spectrum. Black can be the severe Autism, and grey monkey can be stated as Asperger’s Syndrome.

And it seems it can't be cured thoroughly. From www.differencebetween.com it’s written that;

Autism is a lifelong developmental condition that affects how people recognize the world and interact with others. Autistic people look at others, hear, feel and interact with other people in an entirely different manner.

I wasn’t just looking up the symptoms’ list that mentioned, but explored it entirely to find if my sister in law’s assumption about me was a truth.

I was like tracing my genesis, about where was my oddness began and formed. And it turned out, the more I looked them up, the more familiar they started to seem.

I was really obsessed doing the researches. And that obsessiveness of seeking my identity, had strengthen a belief that I really have a form of Asperger. I found one notable trait was obsessiveness, another traits were repetitive behaviour, very subtle expression, difficulties in social interaction, verbal and non-verbal communication, also motoric and other social skills.

I read that the term Asperger’s Syndrome refers to individuals within the autism spectrum who don’t necessarily experience severe intellectual impairments but facing a range of social impairments as stated above.

I'm an Aspie

So here I am. Finally, after being lost for years, I found my identity. I believe to have Asperger's Syndrome and also I suspect at least one other syndrome, Avoidant Personality Disorder. My questionable thinking has been answered about why people treated me differently.

Exactly I have distinct behaviours that would “invite” some unfair treatments from person who hadn’t gotten enough education about how to treat and respect other people well, especially the people with particular conditions.

Honestly, it’s not something I want to admit with a pride, but it’s more about finally I find who I am. It’s a certain identification, something to tell for everyone around me (though I still not open it to my family as I tend to keep all things only for my own). For everyone who still point out and cringe at my unusual behaviours. And also for you, my fellow Medium readers.

I believe I’ve been brought into this world with some uniqueness if it can not be mentioned as ‘I have something odd or wrong in person.’ These oddness were the form of Autism syndrome.

And I could conclude that the wrong parenting and bad treatments from other people outside of my family have big contribution to make my symptoms become worse.

Thank you for reading. I’m sorry for the plain language. As person with Asperger and a non-native English, I often have difficulties to write down my thoughts. :-)

Thanks to Dr. Mehmet Yildiz and ILLUMINATION