I Was The Kid Who’s Stuck, Srunk and Lost In The Corner
How it felt to be involuntary different and being bullied by other people around me
I identify myself as a deeply shy person, awkward and socially anxious introvert. People around me often said that I’m odd, ignorant, shy, calm, crybaby, chicken and weak.
When I was kid, it seemed only me to have this personality problem. And the ways others treated me, have made me believe that I was a weirdest little boy both at school and at home.
My family was truly bothered with my behaviour. They often berated when I didn’t see their face while they talk to me. They called me the whiner because I was very sensitive (I admit it’s even until now). I would cry easily each time people complaining or laughing at me.
I live in the family where each member is so easy to judge, easy to express their feelings without some sort of edits to at least make it’s acceptable or doesn’t hurt the people they’re criticizing.
They really enjoyed to poke fun at me as I was the littlest, the most vulnerable kid in the family which mostly regarded to my ‘easy to cry character’, the way I spoke, the way I walked, etc. So, that time in my mind, after continuously being an object of ridicule, I could only perceive that when people laughing at me, it meant they’re mocking me or doesn’t like me.
Yes, when I talked, I often uttered some specific boring words again and again as I have difficulties to form a sentence. I speak flat and no have rhythm like a robot.
My mom often impatiently told me to speak clearly when she asked something. She expected me to not just answering lazily with a nod, a murmur or shook my head when I couldn’t catch out what the things going on or what she’s pointing out. She didn’t know I was struggling how to both decipher and explain something at the moment.
I always avoid eye contact. People say I unnatural when speaking to them. Honestly, it’s uncomfortable to see someone’s eyes back while talking.
At school, bullied, mocked and being humiliated were the things I often experienced. Anxious before sleep and reluctant to go to school were my day to day situation I had to deal with.
I felt threatened and terrified. The bad treatments from some of the superior kids and the school responsibilities which were oftentimes so hard to encounter were like monsters that were waiting for me in the school.
Some practical lessons like singing, gymnastic and oration were the things that I extremely wanting to avoid.
Sport session was the most stressing time to face. I couldn’t catch and dribble basket ball well. I couldn’t follow any gymnastic movements as instructed by the coach.
I walked clumsily and weakly, the kids and even some teachers said that I was like a girl. When there was a group match, no one would choose me to be part of their group, because they’re afraid I’d make their team lost the game.
In an athletic match, I always the one who would be the last arrived at the finish line. Oftentimes I wondered if my legs were too short or the other kids were too strong compared to me. No matter how hard I ran and made any efforts to make my position close to other kids who’s running in front of me, I always failed to do it. It was so frustrating and embarrassing to experience.
I talked a little, in soft voice like a girl, so that other kids always mocking me for that. Therefore, I became afraid to talk and express my feelings. I was the most silent kid in the class. I remember, when singing in the group, I could only freeze when it was my turn, and felt so bad and shames for that.
When other kid could sing any newest children and adult song, I could only sing and old plain song over and over, because I didn’t have a brevity to show myself more than others has pictured me.
When a teacher asked me any lesson, I stammered. My spoken word grammar is not always up to scratch. When in nervous, I slur my words and say them in the wrong order. In question session, I would be extremely shrunken and sweating as hoping the bell rang and all ended quickly, or hoping the teacher passed over me accidentally.
I would prefer writing than verbal test, though writing any thoughts is still a hard thing to do too.
Exactly, the school life was really hard time for me, it was emotionally tiring. Only one period in my life where I feel so normal, so free and lively without any burden, it was in my ages before schooling. Till now, it’s always the happiest and normalest period in my life.
I am very aware that everyone always see me as unusual person. I always feel I’m really weird and insecure. I withdraw myself from other people. I isolate myself from any possible connections because I’m worried of getting insults, mockings, and critics.
Unconsciously I have made myself to be a loner, stuck alone in the corner. I trapped in silence and always having a cold face. I’m nervous and awkward in the crowd which I know then that I possibly have symptoms or personality disorder.
The situations of constantly getting disgraced have made my disorders/symptoms to become worsened. I grew up with unhealthy mentality and low self-esteem. I chose playing alone, absorbed in my own world.
Outside of my own world seems to be so terrifying to explore, and I’m afraid to try something new out of my comfort zone. I avoid to form a relationship. Even I have more closeness emotional to my pets than to my family.
It’s so hard to live normal like other people. Physically I’m just like other people. Someone will find me different when I interact with them.
Sometimes I tried to act precisely like other people doing, but it’s not succeeded, only to find that I looked even more odd based on other people reactions. When I made a laugh, they cringed and pointing out that I looked so strange in their sight.
When I had a cherish act to express my happy feeling, they saw me with a questionable silly face, like saying “What the hell are you doing?”. The haughty kids would smirk even uttered any dismissive words to tell that I had been doing an odd thing. The same reactions I had gotten at home too.
It seems I can’t express things perfectly and it always look awkward as well as I don’t have an exact feeling in my brain in responding any kind of situations.
I have a vague feeling for everything and would show the same low degree of excitement for two different conditions, such as I will be only showing a subtle smile when someone giving me $10 and will have the same expression when getting a $1,000. Don’t expect to see me jump and shout out hysterically!
All this circumtances were really confusing me. I always wonder why everybody can be so engrossed talking for hours. Why other kids could seem to have very joyful moment playing any games while I don’t have any interest at all. I could only sit in the corridor watching them playing.
People saying I’m so boring and arrogant person. Actually small talks is always an awkward thing to do. I just turned my pace down when meet someone at the street (even when we’ve known each other), because I don’t know how to make a proper action. I don’t have desire to say hey or shake hand as it’s uncomfortable to do.
Some people who have kind enough heart would identify me that I’m shy, cool and quiet person. The rest just ignore me, and the bullies would call me weirdo, people from other planet, feminin boy or even a shemale.
At home, my mom, my brothers and sisters not even giving any help. They did the same as the kids and teacher had done to me at school.
They treated me badly, mocking me bluntly when I showed my unusual behaviours without considering my true feelings. I know they still love me. They just didn’t realize that what they had done have been so damaging me and made my heart broken.
My childhood world was truly one of the agonies and blurred colors. No have close people to talk to, about managing my anxieties and held up the bullies.
Closing thoughts
The kids who interact awkwardly with others, the kids who look different from other kids, the kids who aren’t match to any stereotype kids will likely become a target of bullying.
Though in many ways they appear just like any other children, they still become a target of harassments because usually still too abnormal to be stated as normal kids.
These kids may struggle interacting with others because of they have symptoms or have some sensory processing issues. They just need someone to show them the way, and help them to fit in.
These poor kids really need encouragement, need people to lead them to deal with their problem. When nobody recognizes their troubles, these kids will be lost in agony and depressed.
Family has important role in curing them. If these kids find that their family doesn’t even know that they have problems at school and thinking all just fine, it will feel so hurtful and ignorant.
Even there re some parents who positioning themselves to be same as the bullies by scolding, complaining, judging and belittle their weak children or their passive children. Even just a teasing will still affect the kid’s mental.
Negative responses from their close family about their unusual behaviour will raise a feeling in the kid’s side that they don’t deserve for a love, respect and a self-dignity.
Parents must be aware of their kid’s behaviour. If their kid looks reluctant to go for school, don’t immediately judge that they are lazy. It could be they’re facing terrible experience at school. May be the kids have found that they aren’t like other kids, or feel confuse why others kids keep make fun on them.
Or maybe they don’t understand why they are not like other kids who can easily catch a ball or they can’t adjust themselves with particular lesson and other physical activities. It’s probably these kids has syndrome or symptom which could obstruct their capabilities to absorb any lessons perfectly and doing things as expected. . . .
Thank you for reading. This story was written by a non native English and a person who has difficulties to write down any thoughts. Forgive me for some plain sentences or improper word choosings. :-)
I have a publication named Be Open, really glad to have you coming there! :-)