I Finally Understand The Feeling Of Loneliness.

Human emotions and life are so vast and complex.

I've never felt lonely until now.

And it's not because of how my life is now.

I believe it's because I can finally see clearly how my life was before, and I'm still in the process of mourning the places, people, and the life I thought I had.

Hindsight is truly 20/20.

I started counseling when I was twenty-three years old, and it's been one of the greatest decisions I could have made for my future self.

I've learned A LOT about myself through the process, but more importantly, I've learned (and am still learning) to accept and love the parts of myself that I thought were a mistake or needed to change or be fixed.

An important lesson I've learned is about negative emotions — anger, frustration, loneliness, sadness, etc.

I've learned that these emotions exist to tell you that something is different or off, and it needs to be addressed.

But here's a crucial part I find a lot of people miss. These emotions, even the positive ones, are not there to help you make decisions.

Emotions are signals about what's going on internally; that's it.

Being able to make this distinction has given me the space and time to allow myself to cry, be angry, kick, scream, and process this feeling of loneliness however I need to.

But I'm also aware that I shouldn't make any rash decisions through this time.

I need to prioritize my mental and physical health.

I will rest for as much as I need to, cry as much as I need to, and mourn for as long as necessary until I feel better.

One of my biggest mistakes in this process was going back and jumping into a ‘productive routine.'

In the past, when turmoil and chaos occurred in my life, I coped by being productive through it.

What does this look like? Pretending nothing happened and having the attitude of 'the show must go on.'

I learned the hard way this is not a healthy way to deal with your emotions. It's avoiding them, and it will come back to haunt you.

I'm going through a season where I'm finally allowing myself to feel.

I'll be honest and tell you it's hard.

Some days I want to quit and find a way to shut my emotions off (but I have to remind myself that's how I got here in the first place).

It takes a lot of courage to face it. To face the hurt, the anger, the frustration, the loneliness, etc.

To accept that you are no longer the person you once were. And the people you were surrounded by are no longer who you want to be around.

This sounds terrible, I know, but as we grow and learn about ourselves and the things that matter to us in life and what we want to pursue, we inevitably change.

And change brings about, well, change.

We learn the things we once had in common with a person are no longer the same. The ground the relationship was built on changes and many times, it means said relationship has come to an end.

I've changed significantly as a person. I can confidently say I hardly recognize who I was a few years ago.

Some people see this change as a positive, and some see it as a negative.

One of the biggest changes I've made in the past year is being okay with disappointing people.

It's crazy how, as a woman, I was conditioned to believe I needed to make everyone happy to be considered a good person.

But I've learned you can't live this way.

Putting your needs aside and prioritizing everyone else's comfort will catch up to you. It caught up to me, and what happens when you shove your emotions aside and pretend they're not there?

They brew until they explode. And I imploded.

Am I happy with how some events in my life occurred? Not at all. But I realize now that's the people-pleaser part of me that doesn't like knowing people don't like me.

I walked away from situations that I realized were not equitable.

What do I mean by this? People, places, and relationships where I gave a lot of myself but got little or nothing in return.

And this is why I'm feeling lonely.

Because I thought those relationships and places were a two-way street where we were giving equally. It turns out that wasn't the case.

Now I'm learning to hold back, to tread cautiously, to not easily give of myself, time, and energy because the truth is, they are limited!

I don't have all the time in the world to make other people happy.

I need to prioritize my goals, my values, and my purpose.

Life is not just about fun and games.

Yes, these things are a part of it, but they shouldn't be at the top of the list.

They used to be for me at one point, and it was during this season of my life that I thought I made real friendships.

But as soon as I started taking responsibility for myself and my future, and the people I was surrounded by weren't doing the same, these relationships that I thought would last a lifetime vanished — I'm mourning every single one of them.

I had hopes and dreams about where we could all go, but I had to learn not everyone goes in the same direction.

So if you're changing or it feels like your life is changing drastically, I'm here to tell you you're not alone.

You're not crazy for not having any answers, and you're not crazy for feeling all of these emotions and feeling overwhelmed.

It's normal. It's part of the process of mourning and letting go.

Just make sure to keep in mind what I mentioned earlier. Don't make any major life decisions based on these emotions.

Allow yourself to feel. To say you're not okay and take the time to let the emotions run their course.

Whether you like it or not, it's going to happen.

Making room for this process to happen will help you move forward and get to the other side sooner rather than later.