Survival of the hydratest
If You Want to Be Beautiful, Don’t Pee
I drank so much water I looked like JLo, but then I peed and looked like me
That’s not me. That woman has a beauty routine. You can tell she’s a face scrubber. If you wash your face as often as she does, your face will eventually fall off. This is an old stock photo and I am sure her face is long gone.
I’ve seen people whose faces have fallen off. It’s true you can’t tell how old they are, but they can’t get through airport security or buy beer.
The secret to long-lasting beauty, where you still possess a face, is restraint. Don’t try to make your pores go away. If your pores vanish, there’s no place for your face to secrete face poop and you’ll be dead in a week.
Faces are the buttholes of the neck. Don’t constipate them. Let them breathe. Pores are a million tiny exits. You wouldn’t clog your toilet on purpose, would you? So, why are you clogging your face?
Let’s talk about exfoliation. Would you rub your face in the sand like a dog digging for a stinky sea anemone? No? Then, why aggressively rub granules into your skin as if you’re trying to remove all evidence from a crime scene? Let the natural oils percolate. A face is like a fine olive oil. It needs to be oily.
The sooty oils collected on your face throughout the week provide a catalyst to create the coveted shiny face. Shiny face possesses a reflective surface making wrinkles appear invisible to passers-by and closer-ups. If you plan on kissing someone, quickly dust your face with flour so the kiss doesn’t slide off.
The hardest part about washing your face is remembering to wash your face. Faces are not like armpits. They don’t smell so there is no indication they are dirty. If your face smells, please read a blog about what to do if your face smells.
In my opinion, there is no such thing as face B.O., but there is always some hack claiming face B.O. is real and writing an article about it. It’s shameful what people will write about on Medium.
Wash your face only if you were recently sick and your face is covered in buggers. I don’t know how to spell booger. Do you? Is it bugar, bogar, buggar, booger, bugger, or buggur? It’s French.
The only people who like that word bugger are children. Adults who use bugger in sentences don’t need to wash their faces because people don’t invite them over for dinner.
Some women look in the mirror every day. I used to know a woman who plucked her whiskers during the 5 o’clock sun in her car's rearview mirror. Her husband thought she was having an affair.
When he found out his wife was shaving her goatee, he wished she were having an affair. Then, they started shaving together in the car in the 5 o’clock sun and it saved their marriage. I don’t understand that part of the story. I’m not a romantic.
When interviewers ask movie stars the secret to their beautiful bioluminescent skin, stars don’t say botox, daily facials, expensive treatments, or naturally good looks. They say water. They drink lots of water.
I tried this water routine but the water all came out as pee. I don’t know how to drink water without peeing. Movie stars don’t tell you how to hold in your pee. When I first drink the water, I look exactly like JLo but when I pee, I am me again.
Also, when I drink the suggested two gallons of water, I get bloated and I can’t button my jeans. Then, I am forced to use those extender thingies to close my pants. I prefer maternity jeans because there’s no risk of the extender thingies popping off and blinding me.
Let’s conclude with face cream. If you want to use face cream, you must remember where you put it. If you keep it in the back of the cupboard, it’s expired. Don’t worry.
Unless your face cream has become as hard as a candle you can still use it. If it becomes a candlestick, put a wick in it. If you’re Gwyneth Paltrow, spray it with your vagina. Now you’ve got a $160 candle. Sell it and buy more water.
Thank you Andrew Rodwin for being such a stellar editor
If you are interested in Gwyneth Paltrow’s vagina candle, read this —
