SOGGY DIAPER LITCRIT
Two-Year-Old’s Memoir on New York Times Best Seller List
Memoir starts at conception
A two-year-old’s memoir spent its second week on top of the New York Times best-selling list, proving literary prowess begins as soon as the sperm catastrophically attacks the egg.
“The assault that launched 40,000 words.” That’s how self-proclaimed sperm and egg survivor, now memoirist, Lil’ Toes, described her dramatic beginnings in her bestselling memoir, “Spermassault.”
Speaking through a translator, Lil’ Toes explained, “A lot of people thought I was too young to write this memoir, but when you experienced the kind of calamitous beginnings I did — let’s just say, writing memoirs is what I was born for.”
Other toddlers are scrambling to find agents while the trend is hot. Parents are lined up around the block to meet with Lil’ Toes’ famous baby translator, Jorges Isgudasmine.
Six-year-old poet, F.F. Funnings, was laughed off the stage at her Ted Talk. Hecklers were Tiktocked yelling, “Don’t forget your walker, grannie.”
A 5-year-old football prodigy was eliminated from Manchester United after sports doctors claimed his knees would probably only last one and a half more decades.
“Might as well get started with a newborn” said three-year-old coach, Pot T. Trained. “Their legs are like jelly and they can knock the teeth out of a breastfeeder.”
Kids sports pay-to-play franchises are going bankrupt. T-ball, Lil’ kickers, and Headstart have been stripped of their brightest stars who are being recruited by tech companies, sports teams, and think tanks.
Toddlers, whose parents are paying for them to join after-school programs, are striking chanting, “Why would we pay to play if we can get paid to play?”
“If you haven’t made it by the time you’re four years old,” explained three-year-old life coach and televangelist Tiny Robbins, “you’ve failed. I can’t believe I still see people over twenty years old trying to break through the baby ceiling. We should send people over 20-years-old into the ocean on ice floes with their wine boxes and record players.”
Large groups of parents are volunteering for this option now that their babies are revolting capitalists and are also out-earning them.
Conspiracy debunkers arrived at Lil’Toes last reading, claiming she didn’t even write the memoir. They stated her mom, a failed junior fiction writer, had ghosted the book.
When Lil’Toes was asked to respond to the fraud, she made a serious face.
“What’s she saying?” her fans yelled to her translator, Jorges Isgudasmine.
Jorges Isgudasmine looked into Lil’ Toes' adorable, sleepy naptime eyes, her puffy golden cheeks radiating literary genius and he nodded.
Jorges Isgudasmine turned to face Lil’ Toes devotees and doubters, as they awaited translation.
“She just pooped,” Jorges Isgudasmine said, lifting her poopy butt to change her diaper — a photo that would launch 10,000,000 new followers.