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Abstract

bulous acorn.</p><p id="9165">Let’s remember what we know about the government, humans. They’re full of shit. Think about every <i>Wag the Squirrel</i> story you’ve ever been spoonfed by Washington, D.C., Pentagon, and the CIA. Squirrels are stupid, they told you. Squirrels dig in your trash, you heard. Doesn’t that sound a little one-sided?</p><p id="85d2">Let’s take a minute to get out of your human-centric world and think about aging male squirrels and their menoballs for a moment. Can you find the time, or is your latte cooling too fast? Is there ice cream melting in your trunk? Do you have somewhere more important to be?</p><p id="05d8">Aging male squirrels live right outside your window. They’re your community, man. Some have even dug their pointy claws into your screen, trying to break into your kitchen. Nobody told you to put pie in your window! That’s on you, Martha Stewart.</p><p id="db24">You think aging male squirrels with low-hanging nuts want to be up there? Do you think they’re choosing to be bloated, cranky, and hangry with oversensitive smell cells? Do you think they want to tape up their balls to their tail so their furry jewels don’t get stuck on errant tree branches? This is nature Nobody runs from nature!</p><p id="df99">Menoballs is real. It’s no joke. Even though there has been no research, they suffer. Oh, how they suffer. They’ve been sucked into fake cures and pretend studies. They’ve spent hours sneaking peeks onto your TV screen to watch Doctor Oz’s theories on how to cure it. 51% of the squirrel population will eventually get menoballs, yet nobody cares. They sag alone.</p><p id="ede6">Even the terminology is clunky. Menoballs. Who thought of that? Probably some matriarchal female squirrel, some young thing obsessed with Wordle who now believes she the gift of gab.</p><p id="3d74">Open your heart, asswipe. Share your pie with that bloated hysterical squirrel who’s staring at you with his beady eyes through your jagged screen into your cold heart. Learn to love a little. Love lifts balls up where they belong.</p><p id="02eb">Thanks to <a href="https://betsydenson.medium.com/">Betsy Denson</a> for her editing chops:)</p><p id="95cf">Would you rather be laughing? <a href="https://medium.com/muddyum">MuddyUm</a></p><div id="1806" class="link-block"> <a href="https://aculberg007.medium.com/subscribe"> <div> <div> <h2>Get an email whenever Amy Sea publishes.</h2> <div><h3>Get an email whenever Amy Sea publishes. If you want to laugh or read about breasts, I'm your writer! By signing up…</h3></div> <div><p>aculberg007.medium.com</p></div> </div> <div> <div style="background-image: url(https://miro.readmedium.com/v2/resize:fit:320/0*5aWFWVKjjxKfty2E)"></div> </div> </div> </a> </div><div id="ca17" class="link-block"> <a href="https://readmedium.com/local-mom-realizes-shes-an-asshole-e533829087c6"> <div>

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Aging Nuts

Nobody Cares About Droopy Dick

Libido plummeting from the trees

Old squirrel made by Canva by author

Have females stopped looking at you? Are you invisible? Do you get enraged at the smallest things? Is your dick droopy? Are people always telling you to “calm down” and “get down from that tree you feral fucker?”

I think you know who I’m talking to and what I’m talking about.

The medical community doesn’t care. Society doesn’t care. Even park rangers don’t care. Why would they? You’re one in a million. If you didn’t wear that stupid monocle that helps your colorblindness so you can see the difference between leaves and dirt, the rangers wouldn’t even recognize you.

That's one of your life’s great tragedies. Park rangers don’t give a damn about your droopy old dick. You’re in a group the world has deemed stupid and not worth studying. I get it. I’m a female human and once we reach a certain age, we become vagina non-grata. I’m on your side, saggy nuts.

I think you’ve guessed what I’m talking about by now. It’s on the tip of your tail, so to speak. Say it with me. Menoballs. Saying it aloud doesn’t make it more or less real. Menoballs is happening whether you’re ready or not, saggy nuts.

Don’t be ashamed. Even though society has deemed menoballs as all in your head, you know it’s happening. You Googled menoballs for symptoms because you were too ashamed to confide in your aging male squirlster community. But Google didn't offer the male camaraderie you could have enjoyed kvetching and comparing droppy nuts with your boys, did it?

Let’s stop here for a second, readers, and reflect.

By now you’ve realized I’m not talking about human male aging. I’m talking about squirrel male aging. If that makes you turn away, that’s on you. If you’re thinking, I could be reading about male patterned baldness, but I’m reading about low-hanging squirrel nuts, I feel sorry for you. Be bigger nutted.

Even if you’re not from the family Sciuridae, I dare you to care. Why? Because we can be better humans. We can start being better by giving a shit about aging male squirrels and their painfully saggy nutsacks.

Caring is contagious and if you want to live in a world where empathy and compassion do not become extinct, you should start with caring about aging squirrels' menoballs and their many ambiguous symptoms.

You’re probably thinking I’m a whack job who made all this up. There’s no such thing as squirrels going through menoballs. You think it sounds suspiciously like menopause and I’m just riffing on that. To which I say, the government has won. You have been brainwashed. How can I compete with that chip the government stuck in your nebulous acorn.

Let’s remember what we know about the government, humans. They’re full of shit. Think about every Wag the Squirrel story you’ve ever been spoonfed by Washington, D.C., Pentagon, and the CIA. Squirrels are stupid, they told you. Squirrels dig in your trash, you heard. Doesn’t that sound a little one-sided?

Let’s take a minute to get out of your human-centric world and think about aging male squirrels and their menoballs for a moment. Can you find the time, or is your latte cooling too fast? Is there ice cream melting in your trunk? Do you have somewhere more important to be?

Aging male squirrels live right outside your window. They’re your community, man. Some have even dug their pointy claws into your screen, trying to break into your kitchen. Nobody told you to put pie in your window! That’s on you, Martha Stewart.

You think aging male squirrels with low-hanging nuts want to be up there? Do you think they’re choosing to be bloated, cranky, and hangry with oversensitive smell cells? Do you think they want to tape up their balls to their tail so their furry jewels don’t get stuck on errant tree branches? This is nature Nobody runs from nature!

Menoballs is real. It’s no joke. Even though there has been no research, they suffer. Oh, how they suffer. They’ve been sucked into fake cures and pretend studies. They’ve spent hours sneaking peeks onto your TV screen to watch Doctor Oz’s theories on how to cure it. 51% of the squirrel population will eventually get menoballs, yet nobody cares. They sag alone.

Even the terminology is clunky. Menoballs. Who thought of that? Probably some matriarchal female squirrel, some young thing obsessed with Wordle who now believes she the gift of gab.

Open your heart, asswipe. Share your pie with that bloated hysterical squirrel who’s staring at you with his beady eyes through your jagged screen into your cold heart. Learn to love a little. Love lifts balls up where they belong.

Thanks to Betsy Denson for her editing chops:)

Would you rather be laughing? MuddyUm

MuddyUm brand art by David Todd McCarty
Aging
Humor
Satire
Menopause
Squirrels
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