SAY BYE-BYE TO GEORGIA O’KEEFFE’S FLOWERS
Say Hello to Gwyneth’s Vagina
Superior parenting leads to confident candlemaker
If you thought Gwyneth Paltrow woke up one day and turned her vagina into a candle, you’d miss half the story. What made Gwyneth a candlemaker was the superior parenting of Blythe Danner.
“I have it on good authority,” said a huge Paltrow vagina candle fan, “that Gwyneth’s mother celebrated all of her daughter’s orifices. In that way, Blythe Danner is the mother of the vagina candle. It makes my wick weep.”
“I went to high school with Gwennie,” said an old classmate. “Once Gwen stood up at a high school assembly and declared ‘One day I will be the proud CEO of a company featuring my vagina.’
They continued. “It was a little weird because it was an assembly on bullying but when you feel the call of the holey spirit, you go girl. She got suspended for a week. I called to check on her. Gwen laughed out a hearty queef and said, ‘All marketing is good marketing.’”
I read in People Magazine, Google, or Twitter that Gwyneth and her mom used to sit around and celebrate what most people consider icky parts. They revered nose boogers, ear wax, and yes, Gwen’s floral mushroom citrus vaginal scent.
I’m not sure if it’s true or I made it up, but someone once said, “I dated Gwyneth and when we were getting hot and heavy, Gwen-dog said ‘I’m turning my vagina into a candle.’ It was hot.”
And because of Gwen’s mother’s aromatic scaffolding, Gwyneth never questioned if she smelled sweet enough. Gwyneth never considered sprucing up her nether regions with talcum powder. She never once spritzed her panties with a pleasant perfume before engaging in coitus.
To her mother, every part of Gwyneth was a fragrant miracle. Blythe Danner did not use the word stinky when Gwen heavily sweated through her adolescence. Blythe referred to Gwyneth’s BO as an essence somewhere between the Adriatic Sea and Brazilian Jasmine. Mother of the century, I say.
It was only a matter of time before Gwyneth Paltrow’s vagina became a candle.
Disclaimer: Everything I write about Gwyneth Paltrow comes from my deranged fantasy brought on by 2.5 years of isolation.
Thanks, Susan Brearley, Andrew Rodwin, and Holly J See