I Don’t Want to Marry Jack Reacher Even Though I Love Him

Six foot five and two hundred and fifty pounds of awesome! But not marriage material.

I first met Jack when I was skiing on the South Island of New Zealand. It was the school holidays, and I had gone skiing with my daughter, sister-in-law, and niece. They loved it. I hated it. They were good at it. I sucked.

I am a prime example of a mother who does things I hate to benefit a mostly ungrateful offspring.

My skiing for the week consisted of one fateful morning on the beginner’s slopes, where I was nearly decapitated by a terrified teenager.

“I’m not afraid of death. Death’s afraid of me.” — Jack Reacher in 61 Hours by Lee Child.

I was afraid of death! I was hanging on to the moving rope thingy that pulls you up the beginner’s slope, and my skis got tangled in the snow. I tipped backward and landed flat on my back with my ski’s wedged firmly in a hole. My head and neck were neatly aligned with the skis of the people behind me as they were hauled up the rope on a slope.

I couldn’t get my skis off, I couldn’t roll over, and I couldn’t stand up.

The teenage boy approaching me was horrified, and he froze. I thought he was going to kick me in the head or decapitate me. Of course, I screamed, but no-one came.

At the last moment, the terrified boy managed to detach himself from the ski rope. Then he skied away and left me there.

My niece found me and was dispatched to fetch a grown-up. Being only ten, she forgot. After several near misses, another mum came and saved me. That was the end of my skiing career, but who cares, when it led me to my beloved Jack.

After my brush with death by ski slope, I flounced off to the resort lounge in a tantrum to have a cup of tea and a nice lie-down.

That’s when the stars aligned, and the magic happened.

“He had fallen out of the ugly tree and hit every branch.” — Lee Child, The Affair.

There was no wi-fi at the ski lodge, but there was a pile of old paperbacks in the lounge. I’ve always been a bookworm, so someone else’s ‘grubby old book’ is my ‘Mwahaha, what do we have here?’

And what we had here in this instance was the first four Jack Reacher novels. I never did get the nice lie-down — I was too busy having adventures with Jack and I’ve had them each year ever since.

“He was one of the largest men she had ever seen outside the NFL. He was extremely tall, and extremely broad, and long-armed, and long-legged. The lawn chair was regular size, but it looked tiny under him. It was bent and crushed out of shape. His knuckles were nearly touching the ground. His neck was thick and his hands were the size of dinner plates…A wild man. But not really. Underneath everything else seemed strangely civilized….His gaze was both wise and appealing, both friendly and bleak, both frank and utterly cynical.” — From A Wanted Man by Lee Child.

It’s widely said that men want to be Jack and women want to be with him.

Would I want to be with or marry Jack Reacher? I think not. Maybe I’m not a proper woman.

Although I appreciate Jack’s heroics, I couldn’t cope with his lifestyle.

Firstly, all the moving about. Jack has no fixed abode and aims to spend no longer than one night in any town. It seems to suit him, but I would find that exhausting.

“I’m not a vagrant. I’m a hobo. Big difference.” — Jack Reacher in Killing Floor by Lee Child.

Even when I go on a fancy holiday, I want to come home after three days. I like my books, my bed and my brand of tea. Not to mention my family, friends, and pets. It would severely hamper my social life too. Strike One.

I have a problem with Jack’s wardrobe. I can’t get my head around him wearing dirty clothes. Jack likes to wear his clothes and then bin them. All his outfits come from second-hand shops and are worn and then thrown away.

At night he presses his clothes under the mattress, then he wears them again. I couldn’t cope with that. The top would be smelly, and what about the underpants and socks? Far too gross for me. Strike Two.

Jack’s ablutions also trouble me. He only ever carries a toothbrush with him. Maybe in America, hotels and motels provide toothpaste and deodorant. In New Zealand, they only provide soap, shampoo, and conditioner. No deodorant and yesterday’s shirt. Yuk!

And what about shaving? No razor, no shave. And Jack carries his toothbrush in his pocket. The pocket of the second-hand clothes from who knows where or what previous dead owner. Strike Two point five (I’m trying to be fair so lumping this one with the clothes).

“Slippery slope. I carry a spare shirt, and pretty soon I’m carrying spare pants. Then I’d need a suitcase. Next thing I know, I’ve got a house and a car and a savings plan and I’m filling out all kinds of forms.” — Jack Reacher in Bad Luck & Trouble by Lee Child.

I don’t think Jack and I would see eye to eye about diet. I like reasonably healthy food, and Jack favors burgers and fries. He eats at diners all the time. I don’t think that is something I could tolerate. Plus, I like three meals a day plus snacks, eaten at the same time every day. Strike Three.

Now to address the elephant in the room. Jack is a magnet for trouble. Jack only has to walk down the street, and he sees a kidnapping. If Jack’s on a train, he sees a bomber. If Jack sees an injustice, he has to step in.

“I don’t want to put the world to rights ….I just don’t like people who put the world to wrongs.” — Jack Reacher in 61 Hours by Lee Child.

I like a quiet life, plus I’d be useless in a fight. So I think Jack walks a bit too much on the wild side for my liking. Strike Four.

There is also Jack’s health to consider. Reacher is in his mid-fifties at the moment, though he still acts like a much younger man. What will happen when his body shows the effects of all his fighting and lousy eating habits? Arthritis, carpal tunnel syndrome, high blood pressure, and eventually a broken bone or two?

Would I want to be cooped up nursing a broken down free spirit who still thinks he’s twenty-something? No. Would the Jack we know and love cope with an old age where he can’t travel and fight crime? I don’t think so. Strike Five.

Rule 1. When in doubt, drink coffee

Rule 2. Never volunteer for anything

Rule 3. Don’t break the furniture

Rule 4. Only one woman at a time

Rule 5. Show them what they’re messing with

From Jack Reacher’s Rules by Lee Child

Even if all this hadn’t put me off, Jack isn’t that great at long term relationships. He seems to meet a few nice women, but there is always a reason he can’t make it work. I don’t think he’s husband material. I definitely can’t see him walking down the aisle. Strike Six.

I love you, Jack, but I stand by my earlier decision. I wouldn’t want to marry you.

I would like to meet Neagley though.

Thanks for the memories….

Oh, and Tom Cruise. No. Just no.

Jack Reacher is a creation of Lee Child. You can find a list of the Jack Reacher books in order here. Not an affiliate link.

Some of my other (non Reacher related) articles are below if you would like to have a look.