Redundancy | Mental Health | Change

Redundancy is Just Like Divorce

Why I found losing my job so painful

In September 2020, I was made redundant. It was unexpected and quick. The whole process took only five and a half weeks.

I view myself as mentally robust. I’ve survived a marriage break up, life as a single mum, and the ups and downs of corporate life, but the redundancy still had quite an effect on me.

I had nightmares, sadness and depression which caused me to examine my response to my new situation. It dawned on me that redundancy is very similar to a marriage break up.

I started this article over a month ago. I found it so painful to write that I had to stop for a while. Now, I only feel a mild discomfort together with a need to get it finished.

“Losing a job is a huge adjustment and it’s normal to experience a range of emotions. We may feel shock, anger, resentment, relief and much more all in a short period of time.” — www.mind.org.uk

My experience of redundancy is probably not unusual. Often, we are expected to get a new job, suck it up and swallow our feelings.

I hope that if you ever are made redundant, knowing how I reacted, will help.

Divorce is one of the most stressful events that can happen to us.

Here is why I think redundancy is similar:

Initial Pain

When the news hits, it hurts.

Denial

Like a marriage rapidly going down the drain, getting to grips with the reality of redundancy is hard.

Even though I was having conversations about my leaving date, and handing over my work, it was hard to believe what was going on around me.

Rejection

However my employer prettied it up in terms of the economy, necessary cost savings, or Covid-19, I’d still been dumped.

A corporate version of “It’s not you, it’s me.”

Hard Conversations

Painful discussions about childcare, assets, and who gets to keep the comfy sofa, are replaced with talking about leaving dates, project handovers, and final pay.

“One survey of British workers even rated redundancy as a more stressful life event than divorce or moving house!” — www.redundancyexpert.co.uk

Practicalities

It doesn’t matter how we feel when change happens, we still have to deal with the logistics of living.

Finances

Similar to a marriage break up, redundancy affects finances. Budgets, savings, retirement plans, and spending must be reassessed.

A wealth of information about Covid payments, Jobseeker allowance, and other benefits is available online. All ready to be studied, digested and actioned.

Splitting up your possessions

At work, I had to pack up my mug, photos, shoes and the bits and bobs that personalized my desk, and take them home.

Giving back my laptop, phone and ID was like being stripped of my colors in a film about a disgraced army general.

It was all rather grim and surreal. Much like splitting up my possessions ready to move out of my family home.

I remember putting red stickers on my ex’s things, and yellow stickers on mine, ready for the movers.

Social Place

Both divorce and redundancy affected my place in the world.

Identity

I’ve worked for most of my adult life and I’ve spent nearly forty years in management and professional roles.

Instead of going from being married to divorced, suddenly, I’m unemployed. Who am I now? By redefining what I want to do, I can redefine my identity.

Social contacts

As an extrovert, I need the social side of a workplace. No amount of coffee meet-ups makes up for seeing a large number of colleagues regularly.

Instead of losing a Saturday night video date, I lost my work colleagues.

Holidays

With Xmas coming up, my yearly routine is also out of whack.

Planning around the dates of the Xmas party, the Secret Santa, the shared lunch and the team lunch were part of my Christmas routine.

Preparing for Christmas feels very different this year.

Routine

The workday routine is very structured. Even working from home, there were set expectations about when and where I should be.

Routine is important, it provides a safe framework, and provides comfort. Without thinking, I knew what time to get up, where I would be, who I would see and what I would do.

Without a job, I have had to rearrange the structure of my daily life. Anything is possible.

Like a tiger in a cage with the door open, it’s hard at first to choose what to do.

Mental Health

After a break up, mental health can be affected and losing a job is the same.

Self-Pity

Like divorce, redundancy prompted a binge of ice cream, sweets and chocolate.

If we can’t indulge in a bit of self-pity when going through redundancy, when can we?

Counseling

Employee assistance and outreach services are the stand-ins for marriage counseling, and it’s just as galling to need them.

I did take advantage of the outreach program and it was well worth doing. It validated that my feelings were not only real, but common.

Knowing that help is available if I need it, is comforting.

Panic Attacks

Going back to my marital home to pick up my daughter after my divorce gave me nightmares and panic attacks, so I stopped going.

It was a big shock when I had a panic attack the first time I went into Auckland CBD, where I used to work.

I can only think it was because I was making the trip to the office in my new state of unemployment.

Nightmares

I had a lot of nightmares following my marriage break-up.

Redundancy is the same, and though they are subsiding, I still have a redundancy nightmare every few weeks.

They had a lingering effect at first, now I can shake them off quickly.

Painful thoughts

Like divorce, redundancy was both the first, and last thing I thought of each day. I would remember that I was leaving work, and it would be a shock.

Every time that happened, the world seemed to shift slightly.

What next?

It’s not all doom and gloom and the world moves on, and so do we.

Positivity

We are expected to view redundancy as an opportunity. Sound familiar? Instead of friends advising me to join a dating site, they are sending links to job vacancies.

Although people are well-meaning and kind, I feel an underlying grudge that I have to look at job vacancies at all.

For colleagues still at the workplace, it is also stressful. They have survived a re-structure but may be fearful of another. They may feel psychological pain about losing their colleagues, and guilt about remaining.

It is easier for some, to jolly you along by talking about a bright future, than deal with their own reactions to your grief.

New challenges

Whether it’s joining a dating site, deciding to set up a business, or changing careers we do have to try new things.

I am very lucky, as I have a healthy redundancy payout. I don’t have to get a job immediately. I am writing on Medium full-time, to see how I like it.

I’ve changed my LinkedIn profile to ‘Writer’ to help me adjust. It took me four months to do it but I got there eventually!

This is a ripe time for re-invention, exploration, and re-evaluation.

“If you don’t design your own life plan, chances are you’ll fall into someone else’s plan and guess what they have planned for you? Not much.” — Jim Rohn

Final thoughts

There is a truism that you do make a better life. People often say of divorce and redundancy, ‘It was the best thing that ever happened to me.’

I’ve cheered up considerably since August, when I first knew I would be leaving my job.

Completing Tim & Todd’s course to learn how to write on Medium was a mental challenge, and I’m spending my days practicing my writing.

I can come and go as I please, and work when I please, which is fantastic.

At time of writing I have earned $11.05 US dollars!

Re-discovering my love of writing comic verse, something that I have always been able to do, but never taken seriously, has been a surprise.

“All my family can talk in rhyme, all the time, its very annoying, and can be cloying, to others who hate it, we wont debate it.” — Wendy Scott

To anyone who has been made redundant or is undergoing the process now, I hope sharing my story has helped.

Here are some of my other articles, if you fancy a look: