Relationships

I Didn’t Have Sex on Either of My Wedding Nights

It’s more common than you might think — here’s why.

If you had sex on your wedding night, you’re probably in the minority.

I didn’t have sex on either of my wedding nights so this was a relief to find out.

According to a survey by the lingerie company Bluebella, only 48 percent of the 1,000 couples they surveyed had sex on their wedding nights.

The survey went on to say that among the remaining 52 percent, women most commonly said they were just too wiped out to get around to it, and men were more likely to be too drunk or more interested in the wedding festivities over consummating the marriage.

A third of the people surveyed held out until the next morning, and one in ten waited two days. Overall, 84 percent of people were happy with their post-wedding sex, even if they didn’t have sex on their wedding night.

My first wedding was a lovely celebration with a beautiful room at the Sheraton afterward. Rose petals were strewn all over the bed in a warm expectancy of a passionate consummation. However, in the end, my new husband and I at the time, were not in the mood.

We had been drinking all night, socializing with guests, my parents were there, and we had a 3-day honeymoon to look forward to. Why make the effort to have sex?

Modern wedding events and wedding night expectations are far removed from their origins.

The practice of having witnesses at the marriage bed to make sure the marriage was consummated was practiced during the Middle Ages. Per the website Inspired by Life and Fiction, privacy was not as common as it is today. Poor married couples very rarely had bedrooms, and wealthy couples had servants coming and going from their chambers (often sleeping on pallets on the floor). Therefore most people were unabashed or unembarrassed by something considered natural and good between a husband and wife.

This practice was normal for people in the middle ages. Today, we don’t have the same need to witness or confirm that the bride and groom have officially consummated their marriage.

For some couples who abstain from having sex while dating, usually for religious reasons, the official wedding night is their first chance to have sex, while other people, like myself, were already sexually active with their partner long before the wedding night.

If you’ve already done the deed previously and often, the allure of having sex right after getting married doesn’t necessarily exist.

That said, having sex on the wedding night is still something widely expected by society yet the reality of couples not having sex post-ceremony is pretty clear.

Planning and executing a decent-sized wedding is not for the faint-hearted. It’s exhausting.

Per Psychology Today, most of the reasons couples had for not having sex were unrelated to intimacy or a lack thereof. Whether you consciously decide to wait for a better time or realize that the moment has passed, there is no indication that no wedding night sex means that your relationship lacks love or intimacy.

I agree. I was wiped out after my first wedding. It was a great ceremony and everyone had a blast — but I was completely toasted, so to speak.

My second wedding took place 9 months after I had given birth and getting a babysitter just to get away for 2 nights was about as stressful as it gets. My baby started getting sick the day we were supposed to leave for our honeymoon, literally right after our wedding. I was tense, to say the least. When all was said and done and we arrived at our hotel room, sex was not at the top of my list of preferred activities.

There are all kinds of reasons couples don’t end up having sex on their wedding night — and it’s much more common than we may have presumed.

I thought I was in the minority all this time until I looked into it. Turns out, not so much.

According to couples therapist and founder of Heal Your Roots Wellness, Kira Yakubov, pressure and expectation are huge turn-offs for many and do not allow our bodies and minds to be in the present moment, which is an essential ingredient for pleasure. By expecting a fairytale scenario or the best night of your life, you could be pushing yourself and your partner further away from meaningful and enjoyable sex.

I could not agree more.

So don’t feel like a failure if you’re too tired, spent, drained, or simply not in the mood to have sex after you say, “I do.”

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