I Decided to Stop Living Life Trying to Please My Parents and Live It for Myself

Letting go of immigrant guilt has given me my joy

My parents did not grow up wealthy but in rural Zimbabwe. My dad taught himself his A-Levels and my mom talks of mornings before school ploughing fields.

So to say I grew up in England and attended private schools my whole life shows just how much they persevered to give me what they never had.

Being a child of an immigrant is difficult because you want to do your best to show them that their investment paid off. After all, they sacrificed their dreams and hopes for you. You want to make them proud and to prove that their efforts weren’t in vain.

So for the better part of my life, I lived to please my dad and his wife (my parents divorced when I was an infant but I have always lived with my father and his wife).

I don’t know if this is the same for other people, but growing up I was taught that children should always do what their parents say.

A fault in my parent’s parenting is how they had children with preconceived expectations of who and what they should be, instead of letting them discover who they are. So there was no arguing or discussions about things. If you did it would be seen as disrespect and you would get a beating.

A toxic childhood led to a damaged adulthood which led to where I am now. You can read the details in previous articles I have written but to summerise, I am a two-time university drop-out with various mental illnesses.

If I was going to be the disappointment while doing everything in my power to please them, then what was the harm of being the disappointment while doing what made me happy?

I spent the better part of my teenage years desperately wanting to make my father and his wife proud, to the detriment of myself and my sanity. I listened when my father talked me out of choosing English as an A-Level option, going for chemistry instead. And when I found myself failing chemistry — putting an end to ‘my’ medical career aspirations — I listened again, but this time to family members who told me to study nursing instead. I also suppressed the doubts I had with my faith and sexuality, following Christianity because that is what was expected.

However, whatever I did always came up short. In one way or the other, I was always the disappointment/ black sheep of the family.

But this past year has seen the change of a lot of things. Maybe it was my father telling me my first-degree choice was one I made alone versus something I was pressured into. Maybe it was the realisation that his ex-wife had always hated me, therefore, any advice was given with my destruction in mind. But I decided that I had had enough.

If I was going to be the disappointment while doing everything in my power to please them, then what was the harm of being the disappointment while doing what made me happy?

I decided to live my life for myself and myself only.

So once again I am attempting university but studying English because that is my passion. My mom the other day complained about my piercings, asking me not to get anymore and I told her I couldn’t make that promise because I wanted more. I have decided to use any spare money I make on travelling, even during the holidays. I have told them not to expect any grandchildren from me (my mother is still in denial) and though I can’t come out to them, I have decided to embrace my sexuality and cut contact with toxic relatives.

I always felt like the outsider in the family, due to my religion (lack of one), my sexuality and distinctly different cultural beliefs.

I was making myself sick by trying to transform myself into a shape that fit their expectations. But no more. I have chosen myself.

ZUVA is an award-winning Leeds based spoken word artist, poet and freelance writer. Click here to join her weekly mail list to get her — Comprehensive Guide for True Beginners — Things I Wish I Knew Before Publishing My First Piece. It contains over 16 articles by 12 different authors on everything you need to know before publishing your first piece here.

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