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But I learned to forgive. I learned to practise empathy and understand the 7-year-old, I knew she hadn’t intended to hurt Betsy. We never told her that Besty died but I am sure she would have been mortified and filled with remorse for a long time. That idea of empathy, the understanding that people have different values, priorities or ethics and behave in different ways has always helped me to forgive. I did not believe in carrying grudges, life was too short to be resentful.</p><p id="b8f5" type="7">That same idea of empathy and forgiveness was also the reason I stayed in abusive relationships</p><h2 id="1ccb">Abusers use forgiveness against you</h2><p id="ff7a"><i>“You are not being fair, people make mistakes!” “Come on, that was ages ago, have you still not forgiven me?” “I said I was sorry, what more do you want?”</i></p><p id="3167">These are some of the things my ex would say when I got upset about his behaviour. When you are in an abusive relationship, the concept of forgiveness can quickly become a weapon the abuser uses to keep you trapped. The idea that you must forgive them is like permission to continue with the abuse. Lundy Bancroft, who has worked with over 2000 abusive men writes:</p><p id="7386" type="7">“My clients demand forgiveness while continuing to insult, threaten, demand immediate responses, attend only to their own needs, and more.” (Why Does He Do That? p. 217)</p><h2 id="f5de">Forgiveness requires remorse</h2><p id="9234">I always thought forgiveness was unconditional. Although I am not religious, I was brought up going to church and reading the bible. The concept of forgiveness I had was influenced by the phrases and sermons I had picked up at a young age. <i>“Bear with each other and <b>forgive</b> one another if any of you has a grievance against someone. <b>Forgive</b> as the Lord forgave you.” </i>I thought it meant that you have to forgive everyone and anyone no matter what they had done. But there is one point I never knew: This idea of forgiveness is based on the assumption that the person I am forgiving shows remorse.</p><p id="c92b" type="7">Overlooked in common Christian understanding of forgiveness is the necessary part of repentance by the wrongdoer. John McKinley</p><p id="d22c">One of the most difficult concepts to understand after <a href="https://readmedium.com/13-signs-i-dated-a-narcissist-44d1db6ee3e4">my relationship with a narcissist</a> was that there are people who are incapable of feelin

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g remorse. He never apologised or cared about what happened to me. When he left, it was as if he had turned off a switch, his new victim was all that mattered and I never existed. Part of me was hoping for a long time that I would receive an apology. But I know that it will not happen. Although I understand now <a href="https://readmedium.com/how-a-narcissist-prepares-you-for-the-abuse-6383e7c92873">how abusive he was</a>, in his mind, he has done nothing wrong. <i>He does not seek forgiveness.</i></p><h2 id="5d37">Forgive yourself</h2><p id="46a4">I don’t think I need to forgive him to lead a happier and healthier life. I do not believe that forgiveness is part of the healing process unless it is directed at myself. <i>Forgiving yourself is key</i>.</p><p id="7171">Forgive yourself for not seeing it, for staying longer than you should have. Forgive yourself for moments you were weak and for moments when you might feel week again. Forgive yourself for ways you have behaved or things you have said. Forgive yourself for all the things you feel remorse over. Forgive yourself for never being able to forgive those that show no remorse.</p><h2 id="2210">More from Kara Summers:</h2><div id="b84b" class="link-block"> <a href="https://readmedium.com/do-you-feel-like-you-are-constantly-upsetting-your-partner-b1e9f5fcd6df"> <div> <div> <h2>Do You Feel Like You Are Constantly Upsetting Your Partner?</h2> <div><h3>Make sure you aren’t the one who is the real victim.</h3></div> <div><p>medium.com</p></div> </div> <div> <div style="background-image: url(https://miro.readmedium.com/v2/resize:fit:320/0*7hsqJBnmFY3IjI7k)"></div> </div> </div> </a> </div><div id="fc43" class="link-block"> <a href="https://readmedium.com/a-day-in-the-life-of-a-toxic-relationship-ffb487a213ec"> <div> <div> <h2>A Day in the Life of a Toxic Relationship</h2> <div><h3>Many don’t recognise narcissistic abuse when they are caught in the middle.</h3></div> <div><p>medium.com</p></div> </div> <div> <div style="background-image: url(https://miro.readmedium.com/v2/resize:fit:320/0*ul7zBaj8k26PDM4k)"></div> </div> </div> </a> </div></article></body>

Cutting off Toxic Family Members Doesn’t Make You a Bad Person

It is ok to choose your own peace of mind over the status quo

As I have written before, I am not close to the majority of my family. Mainly due to major culture and belief clashes.

As a person, I am incredibly straightforward, I can’t pretend to be friendly with those who believe my existence is an abomination. I can’t break bread with those who do not help stop the systematic desensitisation of people (read trans individuals).

There is this belief that toxicity only comes from bad people, evil people. We have all seen it when people get accused of it their response is, “I am not evil, I am a good person.” But the reality is, even the good amongst us may not be good for you.

I take a backseat on most familial relationships. However, I still had a few family members I was in contact with because they were more tolerant.

But just the other day, I decided to completely purge all my social media accounts, including the ones I liked.

For the past couple years I have been functioning on a filter and I’m tired. Tired of not being able to share the parts of my life that I want to, tired of hiding and tired of being afraid.

Which makes sense, not everybody can get along together. Accepting that is extremely freeing.

Much like how two magnets can repel each other, if you and another clash, it doesn’t necessarily mean that either of you did something wrong, it just means you aren’t good together.

Which is ok.

I don’t have the patience for people who do not bring peace into my life.

I had to look internally and really think about things. Once I was honest with myself, I realised that even though they were nice people, I was still afraid to share my true self on my socials. Deep deep down, no matter how I tried to hide it, I didn’t trust them. I had to accept that to let them go.

There is also this misconception that family is forever. That no matter what, blood is thicker than water. But I don’t follow that.

For people like myself, our very existence is politicised and our chosen families can be a lot healthier than our blood relatives. A truth many people refuse to face.

Cutting off toxic family members doesn’t make you a bad person. Choosing yourself doesn’t make you a bad person either. And I am tired of living my life for other people.

I have decided to live my truth, without constraints or restrictions. I decided to be honest with myself and stop allowing myself to destruct myself.

I didn’t make a big deal of it because it really isn’t that kind of separation. Adulthood has given me clarity and peace.

I believe that sometimes no war needs to be fought and no blood spilt in the separation.

You can just quietly go.

Was it easy? No, of course not.

However, I don’t have the patience for people who do not bring peace into my life. I am very drama averse. My mental health is the priority and I can no longer tolerate people who make me sick just because I like them. Self-care is very much about doing the good things for yourself that suck.

So this week I chose myself.

And that’s ok too.

ZUVA is an award-winning Leeds based spoken word artist, poet and freelance writer. Click here to join her weekly mail list to get her — Comprehensive Guide for True Beginners — Things I Wish I Knew Before Publishing My First Piece. It contains over 16 articles by 12 different authors on everything you need to know before publishing your first piece here.

She is the editor of An Injustice! A intersectional millennial publication. Check here for now to join!

Cutting off Toxic Family Members Doesn’t Make You a Bad Person

It is ok to choose your own peace of mind over the status quo

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