Summary

The article discusses the author's acceptance of solitude due to their borderline personality disorder (BPD) and the societal stereotypes associated with it, while also acknowledging the joy found in self-sufficiency and the possibility of future meaningful relationships.

Abstract

The author reflects on their journey with borderline personality disorder and the impact it has had on their relationships and perception of self. They express a duality of feeling content in solitude while also grappling with societal and self-imposed expectations of companionship. The piece delves into the author's past experiences with abandonment and their current mindset, which prioritizes self-love and personal growth over the need for romantic partnership. Despite this, there is an openness to the potential of finding a partner who accepts them unconditionally, as they have found with their close friends.

Opinions

The author believes they are meant to be alone due to their BPD and past experiences with people leaving.
They find empowerment in solitude and have become immune to the hurt caused by others' comings and goings.
There is a concern that vocalizing feelings of being unlovable might lead to unwanted words of encouragement from friends.
The author feels that people with BPD are capable of fulfilling relationships, though it may be more challenging for them.
They express that needing, rather than wanting, a relationship can lead to settling for less than one deserves.
The author is optimistic about the future while acknowledging that they are happy with themselves, regardless of whether they find a romantic partner.
They have a supportive circle of friends who understand their need for space and accept them as they are.
The author has come to terms with the stereotypes associated with their disorder and is at peace with the idea that they might remain single, yet they are open to the possibility of a compatible partner entering their life.

I Sometimes Worry About How I Have so Easily Accepted That I Am Meant to Be Alone

I find power in solitude. Is this a bad thing?

I was browsing on twitter when I came across a tweet by Stephanie Yeboah

And I responded with my tips for her. One thing that stood out to me was how she stated; “ I don’t want words of encouragement…”

If I was to be perfectly honest with you, I do believe I am unlovable and I do believe that I am meant to be alone. However, I have never vocalised it to friends due to this worry of being met with words of encouragement.

I also don’t want to hurt their feelings by implying that they are insignificant to my life when they are very much the opposite. However, throughout my life, I have had people come and go who promised they would always be around. From parents to siblings to friends.

I feel torn. Apart of me wants to prove to everyone that the stereotypes about my disorder are wrong, we can and do deserve to be loved. But a big part of me knows that I don’t need someone to complete me. I am actually happy as I am.

I wrote in a poem once with the line, “I have been told I am unlovable so many times that I believe it.” But that’s only about partly true. Yes, I have been told by family members, significant others and even friends that I am “difficult to love.” But I have seen it occur in physicality to the point that I am immune.

Solitary life doesn’t scare or upset me. It used to hurt when people would come and go but now I am pretty much immune. And I have felt no ill will towards those people because I honestly don’t blame them.

I didn’t know it at the time but a huge aspect of what makes me “difficult” is my borderline personality disorder (BPD).

People with BPD are capable of having fulfilling relationships but it’s harder. We are terrified of being abandoned, so we can shift suddenly from feeling smothered to being fearful of intimacy. When scared of abandonment, we withdraw from relationships as a protective measure.

I sometimes worry about how I have so easily accepted that I am meant to be alone. I feel like before I was extremely open to the prospect of being with someone but now I don’t even entertain the idea of it.

I take a complete backseat in friendships, protecting myself by not getting too invested. It is my default to do most things alone, like travelling, hobbies etc

Nevertheless, I don’t know what the future holds.

By some luck, I have managed to find some truly amazing friends. Friends who understand me enough to know that just because I don’t text them, doesn’t mean I don’t think about them. Friends accept me as I am.

Maybe I’ll find a partner like that too?

I truly believe that as soon as you position a relationship as something you want but don’t need, you get comfortable and begin to fall in love with yourself. So much so that only greatness will be accepted to change your stance.

So who knows? But even if I don’t, I am pretty happy as I am.

ZUVA is an award-winning Leeds based spoken word artist, poet and freelance writer. Click here to join her weekly mail list to get her top 10* tips on editing like a pro!

She is the editor of An Injustice! A intersectional millennial publication. Check here for now to join!

I Sometimes Worry About How I Have so Easily Accepted That I Am Meant to Be Alone

I find power in solitude. Is this a bad thing?

People are No Longer Impressed by Excessive Public Displays of Wealth

The earth is dying and we are poor

Cancel Culture is a Myth

Name one artist who has actually successfully been cancelled?