Summary

Zuva, a Leeds-based writer with borderline personality disorder (BPD), discusses her consideration of female sterilization to maintain control over her life and prevent identity diffusion from influencing her decision to have children, despite societal expectations and the challenges of obtaining the procedure at a young age.

Abstract

Zuva, an individual diagnosed with borderline personality disorder (BPD), shares her personal struggle with identity diffusion and the fear of being influenced into having children, which she does not inherently desire. She reflects on her past ambivalence towards motherhood as evidenced by her Twitter history and emphasizes her need for control in her life. Zuva is exploring permanent sterilization as a solution to ensure she does not have children, a decision she feels strongly about despite the societal norm that equates womanhood with motherhood. She acknowledges the difficulty of obtaining sterilization at her age, referencing the experience of Holly Brockwell, and dismisses other forms of contraception due to their side effects and potential for failure. Zuva's writing serves as a record of her thoughts and convictions, and she remains hopeful for the future, dedicating herself to her craft and the possibility of sterilization.

Opinions

Zuva views her BPD as causing significant shifts in her self-image and desires, particularly regarding the desire to have children.
She expresses a strong aversion to the idea of becoming a mother and does not feel the internal urge to have children.
Zuva values control and autonomy over her life and sees sterilization as a means to secure this, preventing future regret or resentment.
She criticizes the societal expectation that all women should want to be mothers and the associated pressure to conform.
Zuva is critical of the healthcare system's reluctance to perform sterilization on younger women, despite her clear and consistent desire to not have children.
She finds other contraceptive methods unacceptable due to their impact on hormones, potential side effects, and the possibility of unintended pregnancy.
Zuva uses her writing as a form of self-expression and as a way to solidify her thoughts and decisions for the future.

I Started Looking at Female Sterilisation, To Combat Identity Diffusion From Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD)

I need a permanent solution to give the control back to myself

Getting my borderline personality diagnosis has been extremely positive.

I finally feel like I’ve moved from the passenger seat to the drivers. I am aware of the different characteristics of the disorder and how to tackle them. I am practising mindfulness, and I am doing a lot better than how I was last year.

However, there is something that to this day still unsettles me.

If you were to go onto my Twitter account and search “children” you’ll see tweets starting from 2012 till around 2015 that discuss my dislike for children. However from 2015–2017 they change and they discuss now how I want to have them but then return back to normal by 2019.

I am terrified of getting with someone, getting convinced to have children. Then when the relationship ends/their influence falters I find myself steeped in resentment with tiny humans to raise for a lifetime.

Identity diffusion

One of the core characteristics of BPD is that unstable sense of self and self-image but it’s not a case of ‘faking who you are’.

A person with BPD will often change their habits, appearance or mannerisms depending on who they are with. Of course, identity issues are not exclusive to those with BPD — everyone changes to some degree in different social contexts but in people like myself, the change is more profound.

Maybe that now I am aware of my identity diffusion I won’t be so easily swayed but that isn’t something I want to gamble a human life with.

I’ve made sense of it by thinking about a bowl of water: it can’t magically transform into a bowl of rock, much like how I can’t change into a completely new person. It can, however, freeze, liquify or turn into a gas depending on the environment.

Reasons why I don’t want children

If you are aware of my previous work, you’ll know that I write about control a lot. I like to be in control, always. However, I can’t control my identity diffusion. I am terrified of getting with someone, getting convinced to have children. Then when the relationship ends/their influence falters I find myself steeped in resentment with tiny humans to raise for a lifetime.

There isn’t really any one reason I don’t want children. I may write a longer piece on all the reasons I can think of but to put it simply I have never had this internal urge to be a mother. For example, if I was to go to a doctor and they told me that I was infertile, I would be happy with the diagnosis.

I believe only those who desperately want children should have them. It’s something you have to want because children are hard work.

I don’t find them cute when they come on my timeline. I don’t particularly like talking to them nor does motherhood appeal to me but that’s just me.

So I have started to look into sterilisation.

Female sterilisation

Female sterilisation is an operation to permanently prevent pregnancy where the fallopian tubes are blocked or sealed to prevent the eggs from reaching the sperm and becoming fertilised. It is more than 99% effective at preventing pregnancy, doesn’t affect your hormone levels and is pretty much irreversible.

However, annoyingly it is normally only accepted for women over 30 and I am 23. Just a quick look at Holly Brockwell will show that even then it is not an easy battle.

There is this belief that all women by default are built for motherhood. We are taught from birth that this is our duty. When we don’t want it, people act like there is something wrong with you. But the reality is I don’t like the idea of pumping my body with hormones and hoping it sticks. The side effects are awful, I don’t want to plan my abortion nor do I want to have a child that I didn’t want.

When I am alone, I am at my most me and I know hand on heart that I do not want children. Maybe that now I am aware of my identity diffusion I won’t be so easily swayed but that isn’t something I want to gamble a human life with. Getting sterilised would be a huge weight off my shoulders.

In the meantime, I have been writing as much as I can. Partly because I love it and it is what I want to do for the rest of my life. But also so that I have concrete thoughts to look over in the future in the meantime.

But here is to the next 7 years.

ZUVA is an award-winning Leeds based spoken word artist, poet and freelance writer. Click here to join her weekly mail list to get her top 10* tips on editing like a pro!

She is the editor of An Injustice! A intersectional millennial publication. Check here for now to join!

I Started Looking at Female Sterilisation, To Combat Identity Diffusion From Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD)

I need a permanent solution to give the control back to myself

Identity diffusion

Reasons why I don’t want children

Female sterilisation

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