What You Need to Do When Your Reader Becomes Your Real-Life Inner Saboteur
It happened to me
What do you do when someone leaves you a comment which makes you feel small?
You also insured that I will never read
another word you write. There’s no
way I could possibly keep up with
everything you posted, especially
considering most of it is ill considered
and obviously produced in a rush.
I followed you because one article you
wrote was pretty cool. I am un
following and blocking you now.
because you abused my trust by
writing article after article that was
thin in substance and barely
interesting.
— copied verbatim.
It was a shock.
It immediately made me feel small that I was compelled to apologize;
Sorry, that you feel this way.
And what follows next, true to his word — he blocks me after leaving his comment. He had to say it first — he wants to make sure it hurts and that it stings.
It was my first time to experience being blocked on Medium. I have to admit. I want to stay low-key here. I am not here to make enemies.
All I want to do is write.
I read stories, too, not because I want to squeeze every drop I can get from my $5 subscription.
I am not saying $5 is nothing because months when I started, I can’t even pay the $5 subscription fee.
Because I love reading.
And I want to learn from writers who came first, who have become successful, and how their stories capture their audience.
I also love stories from anyone just starting because I was once new, someone who doubted himself that he could write.
“Like every writer, I started with one story — my first story. ”
I value everyone who follows me, not because I need a fan base. But because whenever someone follows me. I know it is a “tap on the shoulder from a fellow writer.”
Meet your inner saboteur
I am writing this now when a fellow writer comes after you — You are better prepared than I am.
I have finished my writing challenge. It was intense, difficult, but rewarding. My reasons for doing the challenge are personal, but I also want to be accountable, and to that, I decided to post all the stories here on Medium.
On day 1, I labored, but I set my mind not to quit. There was a voice in my head, the inner critic or the inner saboteur that tries to make itself heard,
You can’t do it, Who do you think you are? You have nothing to say that is interesting.
The inner saboteur’s voice is familiar because it never goes away. But I have learned to deal with the voice — let it say, what it had to say, and without interrupting it, it will soon get tired, and it will become quiet.
Challenges
On Facebook, when someone tags me to a “challenge,” like :
- post your 10 best black and white photos, or
- post anything about the last book you read, but don’t reveal the title of the book
- post the last thing you ate, add the color of clothes you wear, and that is your porn star name
I will not do any of it, not because I am a snob or feels I am above these challenges or everyone else. It is because it usually tells you to tag the next 10 people to do the same challenge.
And I don’t do that.
Even when I did my writing challenge, it was for me. It wasn't to brag. It wasn't to tell someone if I can do it, so can you.
I am not here to preach, I am here to write.
And the few times I would do the Facebook challenges, I will not tag any other friend. It wasn’t to stop the fun.
What if the person I tag will be upset or forced to do it because they feel they have to please me?
How did I feel the whole day yesterday?
The writer who left the comment — I gave him power over me.
I allowed him to make me feel small, that I don’t belong here and that I am an impostor.
I didn’t write anything yesterday.
Like many, I have doubts about myself. I read about the impostor syndrome, and research even said, 7 out of 10 feel an “impostor.”
And when it is triggered, it could lead to tragedy.
Some attributed it to the death of Anthony Bourdain and Kate Spade — two public figures who did well as a TV personality and as a fashion designer, respectively.
“Why would anyone want to see me again in a movie? — Meryl Streep
“I will not let my inner saboteur win.”
My writing challenge
I was about to say — “I know some of the stories are not my best. ”
However, that is not honoring my writing muse and giving in to what my fellow writer believes.
I will never read another word you write.
It is a lie that every story was done in a “rush and thin in substance” because each story went through a process.
I wrote what my writing muse wants me to write.
And besides, they are my babies, and God forbid — you throw your babies off the bus just because someone tells you what “ugly babies do you have.”
“thin in substance and barely interesting.”
I am proud of each of my 100 stories, and each has a reason and purpose.
And I may not know what they are, but I will let the Universe surprise me and the reason and purpose unfold.
I am proud that even if the writer thought;
especially considering most of it is ill considered and obviously produced in a rush.
One of my stories made it to the front page of the biggest publication — You Don’t Need ‘Be Calm Quotes’ When You Are Writing, You Need Writing Prompts.
I also published stories in different publications, big and small. I also self-published some on my little publication and my profile.
When I started my project, I have less than 650 followers, and after ten days, I have 705. Thank you!
It has been more than a year since I started writing seriously, and it's true, I want this to be my ticket to financial freedom.
I m only starting to rebuild my life after my Mom passed in February 2021.
I still can't commit to a regular job as there I still days that the only thing I want to do is lie down, cry and grieve.
Writing is my refuge.
And while my goal this month is to become financially independent.
I am here not only to make money.
I am 52, and I have very few years left in me.
I want to be the voice for others.
That is why I need to write about inequality. One of the stories I wrote during my 10-day writing challenge is a story about San Francisco, a city I fell in love with when I was a cruise photographer.
The story is about the media coverage of the “shoplifting video.” Still, while it is a crime, the media failed to give the same media coverage to theft by big businesses.
And I have to disagree with my fellow writer with his comment;
obviously produced in a rush.
Because on the day I wrote the story, I read articles from different news sources. I watched the video a couple of times, the interviews that followed, all of which are in the notes section of my story about the shoplifting incident in San Francisco — Look Who’s Stealing From Whom in San Francisco.
I also wrote some to me are funny stories about my past.
And the topics I covered in the last 10 days were diverse, and I can’t say how they all came to be that I even wrote about Kim Kardashian.
I once wrote a story — You Don’t Have to Be Great but to Be Great, You Have to Do It Now.
Now I remembered I already did a 10-story writing challenge, and the three stories I wrote that day were chosen for further distribution.
“They were not perfect, but good enough that they were curated. ”
Now my inner saboteur has a face.
This whole episode taught me that there will always be people who will make you feel small or hurt you.
“you abused my trust”
Because they are hurting too — some of the biggest bullies are fighting their demons too.
I wrote about Anton Ego in — Have You Become The Ratatouille Anton Ego of Medium?
In the movie Ratatouille, Chef Gusteau died of a broken heart after a scathing review from food critic Anton Ego.
I dont want to die, not yet. I still have an 82 year old father to take care of, because that is my Mom’s final request before she died, for me to do good to my Dad.
My fellow writer, although he blocked me,
You also insured that I will never read another word you write.
I am unfollowing and blocking you now.
He gave me a gift.
Now I know what my inner saboteur looks like — he gave it a face.
I am here to write and be better at it everyday.
Final thoughts.
I will not quit.
I will not quit.
I will not quit.
I will not let my inner saboteur win, and I will not let one fellow writer, because to me, even if he thinks less of me as a writer, I consider him to be a kindred spirit to make me feel small.
I cant quit, and I cant die from heartache because of your scathing comment.
I checked him on his social media accounts and even here. He has close to 10,000 followers, and his stories get a lot of views.
I have 700 followers, 50 of which I gained during my 10-day writing challenge, to whom I am very grateful.
I am not your competition.
Again, I am not writing this because I feel I am a victim. I am 52 and believe me, I have been through a lot in life.
My Mom passed away this year, on February 2, 2021, and if I quit now because one writer thinks I don't deserve to be here, I am not honoring what my Mom taught me all her life.
Be strong, life ain't easy.
I am writing this in memory of my Mom, and I can’t be her true copy if I quit now.
Thank you for reading this story.
