Abuse Has No Excuse
I Bought A Baby Camera To Help My Friend “Capture” How His Wife Beats Him Up
How should a man in a woman’s world prove abuse?
My good friend is being emotionally and physically abused by his partner. He is one of those guys that you would never expect something like this to happen to: he is nearly 2 metres tall, strong, athletic, enthusiastic — he is the centre of the party.
He brings smiles and laughter to any room that he enters. But that’s not my friend anymore, that’s the man I once knew. Now he has changed. He doesn’t resemble his old self.
He lost a significant amount of weight, he barely laughs and I barely see him.
From time to time our mutual friends reach out to me to try and get in hold of him as he never picks up his phone. What they don’t know is that his girlfriend made him erase all his old friends from the contact list.
We work at the same company — I was the one who helped him get the job so his girlfriend is “tolerating” me to some extent. But we are unable to talk on the phone without her monitoring it, so we have to use either work channels or special apps that would erase messages instantly.
On more than one occasion he has had to leave the house and sleep on my couch as he was scared of her — she has punched him so hard resulting in him losing a front tooth.
Just recently over Christmas, her brother has given him a Christmas present — a calendar depicting attractive women dressed as “Santa’s helpers”. It was supposed to be a joke. But his girlfriend got so upset that she made her brother leave the house along with my friend.
She ripped the calendar into pieces.
We all know what he should do — just leave her.
But the issue is that they have a baby together and he is an amazing and devoted father — so he stays and suffers. Additionally, he fears her — she is capable of doing anything and everything to destroy him if he dares to leave her. She has told him so on multiple occasions.
Because let’s be honest, who believes men nowadays?
My friend is trapped, like many men out there. He won’t report the abuse because he feels embarrassed and he knows that they won’t believe him even he reports it.
Society just can’t accept the brutal truth that perpetrators can be wives, girlfriends, partners. Society doesn’t want to see and acknowledge that women can be vicious and dangerous.
My friend who is abused is devastated, he is just doesn’t know what to do.
- He is afraid — he does all just to please his partner
He became vegan, just because she is. He stopped seeing his family and friends, while she can see whoever she wants. He tried to reach out to a psychiatrist but she found out and made him cancel the appointment. He made recordings of her assaults but along with her mother, they made him delete recordings.
Yes, it takes a village to abuse a person and her mother is her greatest supporter.
He just keeps going along with everything she says and does.
She has made him install a tracking app so she can know exactly when he is in the office and when he will be coming home. But after a few months, he just decided it would be best just to stay and try to work from home — to please her.
His work performance has dropped.
Daily he is being belittled, humiliated. Once he gathered up the strength to tell her that he will be leaving her, and then she pulled the most ruthless card out on him — she threatened that if he leaves he will never see his child and that she would report him for physical abuse.
That’s when he knew that he must take action: make recordings of her harassment, keep records of the frequent, belittling phone calls and text messages. He started uploading these into the Cloud so she doesn't find out.
But we all know that these can be admissable in court. So as the last resort he turned to friends to help him capture the abuse.
You see, she is in the charge of the money — he provides for her, he takes care of the baby and he works at the same time. She is on maternity leave and is reluctant to go back to work. She rather spends the money on manicures, pedicures, pilates and expensive handbags and make-up.
She checks bank statements every night, just to make sure that he didn’t spend any of “her” money on something that she would not approve of, such as a kebab.
To help him capture the abuse, his closest friends came together and bought him a special baby camera. The camera will help him capture everything that he has been experiencing for months, not to mention that all of this abuse happened in front of a little baby. Hopefully, that would help him when the time comes to take action.
But the issues stays the same — would the system believe him anyway? He isn’t sure, nor am I or any of his friends (both female and male).
Who would the system believe?
What I do know though is that it’s not right and something has to change.
What I do know is that he along with many other men are victims of abuse and are unable to talk to anyone about what’s happening to them.
- They can’t talk about their partner’s temper and possessiveness;
- They have no self-esteem, even when they used to be confident;
- They are depressed, they lack sleep and are suicidal;
- They don’t take care about their appearance anymore;
- They never go out in public without their partner;
- They have no access to social media or phones…
People wonder why a woman who is being abused doesn’t just leave…When it’s a man who is being abused, people are even more puzzled or they just don’t buy it. Those who’ve experienced domestic abuse know it’s never that simple.
- I keep asking him: “Why don’t just leave”?
- His mother keeps begging him: “Leave!”
- His therapist told him: “Run!”
But he can’t — because he has a child.
He knows that if he leaves, he will never see his kid again and that she may harm him. He is not confident enough about getting custody and winning the system even though in my opinion and opinion of his friends he has enough to prove that his girlfriend is dangerous.
- He is ashamed.
He feels an overwhelming shame that he has been ‘overpowered’ by his girlfriend and hasn’t lived up to her expectations. But the thing is — he never will. Nothing will be ever good enough for her.
- He feels as if he doesn’t have enough support to leave.
He feels that he won't be believed if he goes to the police or other support services for help. And, sometimes he hopes that she might change because after all, he does love her.
So what can he and other men like him do?
You need to create a plan A, B, C and D. In other words you must create a safety plan.
- You need to know when and where are you going to leave (along with your child);
- You need to save up some money to be able to leave;
- You need to tell someone about this plan — family and friends;
- You need to have stuff packed (for you and your child);
- You need to gather enough evidence that your girlfriend is abusive and dangerous — hardcore evidence no “hearsay”;
- You need to keep a journal of everything that has happened to you — photos, dates and have credible witnesses;
- You need to get support — talk to a specialist, therapist (show them the evidence that you have);
- Focus on facts and not on emotions — because if you are going to court then nobody cares about your emotions they should want facts.
But even then, the courts will “look” at what’s in the best interest of the child. Often they will give you 50/50 even though the abuse was extreme. As it’s always hard to prove that a mother can be abusive, malicious and dangerous.
Even though we live in the 21st century the brutal truth is that the kids still “belong” to mothers — and that’s not right.
Children belong to both parents. Fathers and Mothers. And if one of them is the abuser then the child should be given to the “better, more suitable” parent.
And what can you do if one of your friends is being abused?
I’ve realized that there isn’t much you can do except to be there for him: asking what’s wrong, listening and expressing concern. You can also offer help with building that safety plan, support his decisions, persuade him to call helplines and go with him there.
But most importantly — trust him and show no doubt.
Reassure him that he is not to blame! He is not weak and he is not alone!
Be there for him like you would be for any friend (regardless of gender) who is being abused.
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