Clickbait fail

How Your Medium Rare Chicken Breast Could Cause Viral Bacteria to Follow You Into the Dark

Another annoying lecture on how to write on medium

Let me get this out of the way first: the title is not (purely) clickbait. I will talk about the dangers of food poisoning when composing articles for medium, the difference between viruses and bacteria — and which are better for your stats — and how listening to Death Cab for Cutie may send your follower count though the roof.

But first: clickbait. What is it? Where can I legally obtain it from? And what sort of fish am I likely to catch?

Clickbait, according to google search, is a Netflix thriller, and a ‘show that is comedic in nature.’ It stars Zoe Kazan, Betty Gabriel and Phoenix Raei, who are actors. After watching the series (mildly entertaining, 3 stars), I realised the word clickbait originated well before this series. Even before Netflix, if you can remember back that far. A time when we watched television and sat through non-skippable ads, and waited horrifically long times between episodes.

Merriam-Webster dictionary defines click bait as ‘something (such as a headline) designed to make readers want to click on a hyperlink especially when the link leads to content of dubious value or interest.’ Basically the Daily Mail. ( I refuse to link to them ever since they called me a ‘sleazebag papanasty’ after I lay down in the gutter with my camera waiting for the Queen to emerge from her royal carriage. Unfortunately her dementia isn’t full blown yet and she still remembers to wear undies.)

If you are on medium to chase views and dollars, then go for it, thousands of others are, so why not you? Compete for your share of the peanut pie. If we’re honest, most of us would love to quit our day jobs and write full time. But if you are on here just to make money, I have to break it to you, there are better places to be. Such as waiting tables with Smillew Rahcuef, or starting up a small business like Ann James helping misled voters bury their least favourite politicians. Why bother writing pointless articles to make a few bucks on here when you could write pointless articles for the Daily Mail as a ‘creative director’ and earn $64,000-$123,000 a year. Can you say Megan Markle without rolling your eyes? You’re hired!

I guess what I’m saying is go ahead and sprinkle a little clickbait in the waters to lure readers in, but try add some sort of meaning or purpose to the shit that comes after the title. Make them laugh. Make them cry. Make them think a little bit more about the world around them. Do that, and it’s no longer clickbait (I hope).

Now, props to you for reading through all the preachy shit, but you’re here because you want to go viral right? Blow up the medium cash vault with evergreen TNT that will sprinkle hundreds of dollars into your bank account each month? Dream of income so passive it won’t even breathe without a machine?

Well, it might pay to try and write something new instead of the same tired old listicles about tripling your followers or which new herbal supplement will provide an eight-week erection. Sure, there might be a little meat left on that bone (oh yeah), but it’s been sitting there for ages and is growing bacteria so potent your rear end will erupt like Krakatoa (oh dear).

What if instead of focusing on going viral, you focused on writing the most thoughtful, humorous, insightful and poetic stories you can. So when your Cinderella day comes along and you do go viral*, your story adds a few stitches of good (or bad, just fucking add something, please) to the fabric of human existence.

Now, until your viral 15 seconds of fame arrives, you’d like a few people reading your stuff along the way, wouldn’t you? Followers, they call them on medium. Originally they went with disciples, but it turned out someone had already used that. What’s that? You’d like 10,000 followers by Christmas? Bit greedy isn’t it, the bloke who fuckin’ invented Christmas only needed 12.

Have a think about why you want 10,000 followers and what sort of followers they would be. Do you want followers who only clicked on that green button in the hope you would follow 4 follow backs? Or do you want followers like Death Cab for Cutie, who take dedication to their fans to the next level:

The time for sleep is now But it’s nothing to cry about Cause we’ll hold each other soon In the blackest of rooms

And if Heaven and Hell decide that they both are satisfied Illuminate the no’s on their vacancy signs If there’s no one beside you when your soul embarks Then I’ll follow you into the dark

If you want to earn followers like that — and who wouldn’t — write something that connects with people. Read their stuff too. Comment and interact. Use the STD button fifty times on their stories. Tag them repeatedly until they get the message you want to be friends and won’t stop until they agree to come over and watch ‘Get Out’ and hold your hand even though you’re more intrigued than scared. And if you get that out of medium, then who gives a shit about going viral anyway?

The title of this piece was disturbingly inspired by Adam Robinson’s hilarious article. One of these headlines change the way you look at chicken forever..

Want more advice on going viral? Check out Carlo Zeno’s 100% guaranteed guide:

*going viral not actually guaranteed