Summary

The author is attempting to write a viral article in a last-ditch effort to improve their Medium stats and earn Smillew Coins, despite feeling uninspired and struggling with low engagement on their previous work.

Abstract

The article titled "Straight Up Greed" reflects the author's desperation to revive their dwindling readership and engagement on Medium, as symbolized by the enticing but elusive Smillew Coins. The author, Carlo Zeno, humorously recounts their futile attempts to produce a viral piece, including sitting on the toilet—a place of past inspiration—only to be met with a lack of viable ideas. The piece is a candid admission of the writer's plight, juxtaposing the grandeur of viral content with the reality of their current situation, which is far from heroic or financially rewarding. It serves as a plea for pity and support from readers, encouraging them to clap for the article and potentially donate, all while acknowledging the irony of writing a non-viral piece about the desire to go viral.

Opinions

The author views Smillew's call for viral content as a manipulative tactic, likened to dangling a reward in front of hungry animals.
There is a sense of disillusionment with the platform's dynamics, where writers are lured by the promise of virality and financial gain, often leading to unfulfilled expectations.
The author expresses self-deprecating humor about their own writing, referring to their work as "pathetic" and acknowledging the gap between their aspirations and the reality of their engagement metrics.
There is a subtle critique of the content that typically performs well on Medium, such as listicles and motivational pieces, which the author seems to view as superficial or part of a "Ponzi scheme" perpetuated by the platform.
The author's request for cl

Straight Up Greed

Last Ditch Effort To Go Viral

Crawling on all fours for some Smillew coins

**My expression every time I hear the jingle of Smillew Coins** / Photo by Giorgia Doglioni on Unsplash

After being burned all month by dropping reading rates and sagging middle-aged stats, I couldn’t help but perk up when Smillew dangled some Smillew Coins with his wildly inspirational call to throw something — anything — at his Pub wall.

Excellent marketer that he is, Smillew threw the phrase “last chance to go viral in the month of June” like red meat in front of a pack of starving wolves.

**Starving pack of pathetic Medium writers with sagging middle-aged stats in search of the dripping red meat of virality** / Photo by Eva Blue on Unsplash

Of course I had nothing. Not a single idea. I already gave away my January 6 Haikus to Michael Burg, MD (Satire Sommelier), which after a promising climb of happy fanatical clapping suddenly had a cardiac arrest at 499 claps, only to flop like a dead animal.

**The destiny of my January 6 Haikus** / Photo by Jeremy Bezanger on Unsplash

So I was in a pinch. I thought I better go find a toilet to sit on where I am graced with my greatest ideas. I can’t tell you how many viral windfalls I have had while sitting patiently and opportunistically as I did my number twos, like a buddha on a banyan tree.

**Buddha doing his business in the woods** / Photo by Huy Hóng Hớt on Unsplash

But as I sat on my toilet this time, no viral rain was falling. Nothing. Just a few crap ideas on how I went from being a total basket case to becoming almost normal. Not very heroic stuff considering it still ends in semi-depression and debt. I needed something far grander. But all my toilet epiphanies were sagging just like my sorry-ass stats. I was beginning to lose courage.

**Me coming out of the toilet with my sad sagging toilet epiphanies that perfectly reflect my sad sagging middle-aged stats** / Photo by JC Gellidon on Unsplash

So what happened next? Well, you’re reading it. It is this pathetic piece you are probably wondering why the hell you are reading in the first place. Because if you’ve come to The Pub you are used to acrobats and heroic feats with happy climactic endings. Pieces with real meaning.

Listicles like golden ladders that give depressed Medium readers the illusion of progress and success. Sexy pieces inspiring hope that bring in new readers by the hundreds, thus falling beautifully into the hands of Smillew’s tantalizing Ponzi scheme. Win-win pieces that make bales of cash for both the writer and The Pub’s Godfather, Smillew Rahcuef.

**Standard reader response to heroic pieces written here at The Pub** / Photo by Marc Najera on Unsplash

But, alas, my piece doesn’t cut the mustard. The only reason I’m here is to crawl and grovel for some Smillew coins. It’s a pity story from a writer who had a tough June. I could’ve titled it Please Clap, or Could You Spare Me Some Smillew Coins.

So, take my end of month offering, and if pity and compassion are your thing, give me a gigantic standing ovation. Just keep clapping and clapping and when you hit 499 claps don’t stop clapping.

**Jam packed stadium of pity clappers** / Photo by Hanson Lu on Unsplash

__________________

Thanks for reading. If clapping alone doesn’t satiate your desire to do charity, you can throw some coins into the pity basket. For more pathetic confessionals, try the below 👇

Straight Up Greed

Last Ditch Effort To Go Viral

Crawling on all fours for some Smillew coins

Accident Waiting To Happen

Poem on misdirection

Rude Awakening

The flaw of attraction