Newspaper Nonsense
The Best Newspaper Headlines To Make You Question Humanity
Read all about it! Medium writer tries to be funny…
We can find all sorts of news at the click of a mouse or the tap of an app these days. We are probably more informed than we ever have been…unless you live in Russia.
With a vast history of news reporting out there in the big wide world, there are sure to be some hilarious stories about people doing stupid stuff.
With that in mind, I decided to find the funniest headlines that will leave you wondering how humanity has managed to survive this long.
News just in — Medium readers waste their time reading this crap…
Chicken Lover
Reading this article is probably the closest I’ve ever been to quitting meat. I can’t get the image of this dude shagging a chicken out of my mind.
I just have so many questions:
- Did he romance the chicken first?
- Did they go for a date at a fancy restaurant? Did they have the chicken? We know he did.
- What was the sex like? Foreplay? Or straight into the oven?
- What was the pillow talk like?
- Did his wife catch them?
To be fair to Alan, that chicken is fit as f*ck.
Safety In Numbers
Our boy, Richard, driving a 2013 Chevy pickup, turned a corner on the wrong side of the road and hit a pedestrian. He was likely discussing the merits of the safety meeting he had just attended and was distracted by his notes at the time.
To be fair the victim was jay-walking so maybe that wasn’t covered in the meeting.
I have been guilty of this though I’m afraid to say. After my alcoholics anonymous meeting last week I got pissed and told all my family members I was a drunk — completely ruined little Jimmy’s birthday.
What I’d say to these fellas is try to be safer next time guys. Wrap your pickup in cotton wool, and maybe book in an extra safety meeting for next week.
Sumo & Snickers
It’s the age-old story of love.
A woman dressed as a sumo wrestler sees her ex-partner waving at a man dressed as a snickers bar and all hell breaks loose.
Rumour has it Romeo & Juliet was originally named Sumo & Snickers until Shakespeare stopped inhaling whatever he was smoking and rewrote it.
Again, I have some questions I want answers for:
- I thought sumo wrestlers would be partial to the odd Snickers bar.
- What happened to the man dressed as a Snickers bar? Did they hurt his nuts? Sorry…
- Did the two ex-lovers wrestle until the loser got pushed out of the gay pub?
- Where was this pub? It seems like a great place to meet people.
- Why is the dress code for this pub either sumo wrestlers or chocolate bars?
I went along this weekend and there was a fight between a Ninja and a Hershey bar.
Update — Kristine Laco, my editor, didn’t like that line. So I now invite you as my loyal readers to please put in the comments who you would like a Ninja/Hershey bar to fight.
I’ve listed some options below:
- A duck
- Kristine Laco
- An angry Will Smith at the Oscars
- A lactose intolerant rabbit
- The Tinder match you never messaged back
Testicle Terror
What's worse than being on fire after your terror plot has failed?
Yep, you said it — being kicked in the bollocks by a Scottish bloke.
That must have been some force to tear a tendon. Imagine explaining that to the doctor.
Scottish Testicle Kicker: “Yeah I just kicked as hard as I could but followed through and tore it.”
Doctor: “Okay, maybe put some ice on it and don’t kick a burning terrorist for at least 2–3 weeks whilst you recover.”
That’s what you get for messing with Scotland.
Chimney Chums
Prepare to cover your chimneys guys, there’s a shitter on the loose!
Poor Mike Williams was looking forward to making a nice fire but ended up with something that was hot and steamy instead.
I have no idea if they found the guy who did it but I hope he was provided with an adequate toilet in his cell.
That guy really must have been dying for a shit. I won’t wait 5 minutes to find the nearest toilet — that chimney looks perfect for an early Christmas present though.
I also love how the writer Simon Dean had to do an article like this…
“Look what I’ve written mother, this guy shat down a chimney and I got to write about it! The journalism degree you paid for is finally coming in handy!”
The Back Pages
There we have it. Some of the greatest newspaper headlines to keep us informed about how stupid this world is.
I blame humanity and global warming. Oh and the government.
So what have we learnt?
- Poo proof your chimney before toasting any marshmallows with the family.
- Sunday dinners are best when the chicken’s not been molested beforehand.
- Make sure you don’t jay-walk if it’s kicking out time at the local safety meeting.
- Never wave at a man dressed as a Snickers bar if your ex is at the same bar dressed as a sumo — but that goes without saying.
- If you see a terrorist on fire, kick them in the bollocks.
- Gizmo is on a honeymoon with a psychotic Seagull.
Thanks for reading guys.
Sorry, gotta dash! I’m late for a safety meeting about poo proofing chimneys and you have to dress as a sumo.
Happy reading!
