3 Erotic Stories To Get You In The Mood For Rumpy-Pumpy
An article so sexy you’ll make love to your laptop
There I was, sitting in my flat having a boring day — then Ginger Cook asked me to write reviews on my amazon purchases or porn.
She’s clearly an amazon connoisseur judging by her pretty cool/out right weird purchases. Including Grandma’s eccentric tastes.
You can find all the funny details right here:
So anyway back to me — because I’m awesome.
My recent purchases have been horrendously boring. They include:
- A visit to the Dentist — he was really impressed with my brushing, alas no lollipop or bravery stickers :(
- Grocery Shopping — I bought cheese and it was boring as f*ck.
- Hair Wax — It takes a lotta hard work to look this average.
I was gonna review porn…then I realised my mother reads my articles and she’ll judge me (more than she already does) — so I’m gonna make up some erotic stories instead.
Feeling sexy? I know I am.
Sexy Story Number 1: Elderly Erotica
Brian gets home from the shop with his milk and cheese. He bangs on the door seductively as he’s forgotten his keys.
Mavis opens the door wearing a silky red dress.
Brian: Why can’t you answer the pissing door quicker?
Mavis bats her eyes sexily but nearly falls asleep as she does this. She hasn’t had her afternoon nap yet.
Mavis: Brian…we haven’t had rumpy-pumpy in so long
She sits down on the sofa with her prosthetic legs astride as far as they’ll go.
Brian glances at her.
Brian: Let me just put these in the fridge and I’ll be right with ya
Brian sexily puts the milk and cheese away and walks over to Mavis.
Brian: Right then, how do we do this again? I’ve forgotten
Mavis: Let’s go to the bedroom, lover boy
Mavis tries to stand but can’t get up
Mavis: F*ck me, I can’t get up
Brian: Bloody hell, just put ya back into it
Mavis: Yeah I’m trying Brian, you d*ck. You’re gonna have to drag me
Brian: Shall we just do it on the stair lift?
Sexy Story Number 2: The Plumber and the House Wife
A housewife is getting her boiler fixed as she watches Housewives of Atlanta.
Housewife: Are you gonna be much longer? I’m trying to watch Housewives of Atlanta.
Plumber: Ah I love that show! Yeah don’t worry I’m nearly finished rubbing these pipes.
Housewife: Rubbing the pipes? That sounds very sexual to me.
Plumber: Please madam, I’m a married man and don’t like hearing sexual things whilst I work.
Housewife: Errr! No! As if I’d have sex with you, you smell so working class it’s unbelievable. Just clean my pipes.
Plumber: Words hurt ya know. That was real mean Mrs. Housewife.
Housewife: Fight me.
Sexy Story Number 3: The (racist) girl next door
Steve moves the last of his boxes out of the car ready to move into his new home.
Rachel: Hi, I’m Rachel. I’m the girl next door.
Steve: Hello Rachel, my name’s Steve. I’ve just moved in.
Rachel: You’re rather attractive Steve. Do you fancy popping over later for some Netflix and chill?
Steve: I’d love to Rachel, what shall we watch?
Rachel: There’s a cracking documentary on Hitler we can watch.
Steve: Erm, okay…
Steve heads over to Rachel’s house later that evening. He knocks with caution. Rachel opens the door seductively.
Rachel: Hi Steve, come on in! I’ve made Nazi pie.
Steve: What?
Steve sits himself down and notices a lot of SS memorabilia on the mantelpiece
Rachel: I’ll be honest Steve. The only reason I invited you over was so that we could have good old rumpy-pumpy.
Steve: Yeah I thought so. But before we get started Rachel…are you a racist?
Rachel whips out a feather duster and cleans her Mussolini photo
Rachel: Sorry, did you say something?
Steve: Yeah, I’m going…
A Happy Ending
There we have it guys, three sexy stories which hopefully have gotten you in the mood to get ya freak on.
But what have we learnt from these tantalizing tales?
- If you’re elderly, buy a stair lift to make love on.
- Housewives can get really aggressive when plumbers don’t do what they want.
- Beware of getting into a relationship with a “Racist Rachel” if you’re moving house soon. Or at any time for that matter.
It doesn’t matter if you’re elderly, a racist, or a plumber. Maybe you’re all three? — Have a great time shagging you randy people!
