How We Are Talking To Our White Children About Race, Rioting, Police, And The Church

It’s Ok To Not Know What You Don’t Know — But It’s Not OK To Stay That Way

I don’t usually write essays like this.

I had planned on publishing a different article this week — something in the vein of “How to organize your learning life.”

My writing space is typically reserved for things like that — ways to live more purposefully and intentionally. How to find your calling. How to find more joy in your career. How to safeguard your marriage or be a better spouse.

Truthfully, I would rather be writing about these things. Perhaps you would rather be reading about that stuff too.

People with my personality do not enjoy stirring up a ruckus, and that is precisely what articles like this do.

But things are, well, A LOT right now.

George Floyd. Ahmaud Arbery. Breonna Taylor. A Global Pandemic. An Election year. The loss of a loved ones.

A world already on fire continues to be drenched in gasoline.

Recently my wife and I were wrestling with how to respond to all of this with friends.

“It’s hard not to just fly above it all — what can we really do about any of it?” Everyone shrugged their shoulders and nodded in agreement.

Do we post the blackout square on our social media feed? Do we purchase Black & Blue Lives Matter Yard Signs and plant them right next to each other so that everyone knows where we stand? Do we stay silent and risk letting others think we don’t care? Or do we pour our hearts out in a social media post with our own oversimplified treatments of issues that are unfathomably complex?

The choices on the table all seem a little paralyzing, don’t they?

Then I stumbled upon this helpful blog post by a friend.

The words of Matthew 6 were brought to a fresh light.

“Where our treasure is, there our heart will be also.”

We need to give what we are most concerned about our treasure.

As Sarah says in her post, “That would be our money. That would be our time. That would be our relational security (i.e., having those awkward conversations, engaging family members, etc.). That would be whatever platform you have.”

Among many other things, I am a writer. I am also a husband and I am a father. These are my most important platforms.

It has become clear there is a lot I don’t know right now. I don’t even know what I don’t know. But I can make sure my treasure is allocated appropriately.

To not intentionally discuss these issues head on with my wife, address them with our children, or write about them for the encouragement of others would be to withhold my treasure. Those are the places that have my heart.

So I began processing thoughts into words on a screen. Those words collected into talking points for my wife and I’s conversations with our children. I’ve published those talking points in the format of a letter below.

I’m still thinking a lot of this through. But as Amelia Earhart suggested, even when you don’t know what to do, “always be thinking with your stick forward.”

“ I can only speak for myself. But what I write and how I write is done in order to save my own life” ― Barbara Christian

A few more important items to note before we get into this letter:

I am white. My wife is white, (sprinkled with some really nice Native American.)

All of our children are white.

Insofar as we know, save for the stream of Indian on my wife’s side, all of our ancestors have been of the Anglo variety.

Now that I’ve got that out of the way — I should point out that these words are chiefly meant for my own white children and for other Caucasian, bible believing parents like us.

As a white male who has experienced an abundance of good fortune, I cannot speak to or for any community but my own — that would be my children and other Jesus loving white folk.

My intent is not to replace or compete with more credible and educational material floating around the inter-webs. My goal is to give my children and people like me a little orientation. Some of us just need a place to start while we figure out which way is up.

With all of that being said — here is how we are talking in our home right now.

This isn’t a comprehensive list of everything we are telling our children, by the way. They know about the details of George Floyd’s death. They know about the riots. They know about the complexities our Police friends are facing. But these are some of the eternal precepts we want to take root above all else.

Dear Kaisley, Elijah, Judah and June — Here Is What Your Mom And Dad Want You To Always Remember

Always be ready to put on a new set of glasses

“We mostly see what we have learned to expect to see.” ― Betty Edwards

When you guys were babies, your world existed in two realities— having a clean diaper and then having a dirty diaper. That was your life. It was the world you knew. How could you have known anything else?

And then something amazing happened. Potty training.

There is a way that life works. As your world is brought forward new ways of living are brought with it.

As followers of Jesus, your mother and I believe there is more happening than what you can see with your eyes. We believe we are all part of an unfolding story. And we believe there is an actual King in charge over all of it.

We don’t just “go to church” because it’s a good idea or because it is a tradition of our ancestors, we believe we are a part of a Global family who is being led and loved by an actual person — a supremely brilliant and loving mind behind the entire universe who desires to renew all things.

And the primary way He makes things new is through His people.

But it is important to understand that this family of His often does not get things right.

His family was on the wrong side of slavery. It has been on the wrong side of many wars and revolutions throughout history. And you need to always consider that at any given time you may find yourselves on the wrong side of confusing issues in our present age.

There are things your great grandparents thought were normal. There are things your parents thought were normal. There are things you guys think are normal right now that you will realize one day is not the case. As the scriptures tell us, “There is nothing new under the sun.”

The problem with the world is not the problems we face — it is the problem behind the problems. Humans have dirty hearts.

And the thing about these dirty hearts is we don’t just need to clean them. We need new ones altogether. The King in charge has promised this, but the process of having your heart made new is something that happens over time.

The first step in this process is recognizing there are things you don’t know. The King has an enemy that wants to take advantage of you. He wants to take what you don’t know and use it to make you fight with each other and fight with our King.

But the King has already defeated this enemy.

He has built in a way for you to see things differently — by having you focus on what is forever instead of what is temporary. He wants to give you guys new ways of seeing, make you new hearts, and mix you up with all of His people into one giant, beautiful and diverse loving family.

So sometimes this King will storm in and turn over the tables you thought were right side up. And that’s a good thing.

The world wants you to pick a “right” corner or a “left” corner and battle things out because the King’s enemy knows that when you fight fire with fire — it all burns down anyway.

We don’t want you to take steps in either of those directions. We want you to take steps forward — because that’s where you will find the Kingdom. Right in front of you, if you have the eyes to see it.

Always be growing into something new

“ A battle lost or won is easily described, understood, and appreciated, but the moral growth of a great nation requires reflection, as well as observation, to appreciate it.”

-Frederick Douglass

When you were babies you didn’t know about the potty training thing.

And there will always be something you don’t know.

It’s OK to not know what you don’t know. But it’s not OK to stay that way.

Approach every situation expecting to learn something new. Ask yourself what the hard things you are facing are making possible. Find out something you could do better. Use it as an opportunity to allow your King to take a piece of your heart and make it new.

The only way to a happy Kingdom and a new heart is by growing. Healthy growing things are built into every detail of God’s creation.

But as a few of you have already figured out, growth comes with growing pains. It can be messy.

So don’t be surprised when it seems like you are growing faster than someone else or if it appears they are growing faster than you. Sometimes you might miss each other. That’s OK.

Just continue to be curious. Learn what you don’t know.

A newly discovered truth can be hard to get used to, but it should never bring shame or guilt.

Real truth will always set you free.

Always walk in the shoes of those hurting most

“Injustice anywhere is a threat to justice everywhere. We are caught in an inescapable network of mutuality, tied in a single garment of destiny. Whatever affects one directly, affects all indirectly.”

-Martin Luther King, Jr.

All living creatures are connected.

You might not think that a police killing in Minnesota, or a hungry child in Africa, or a wandering refugee in Syria have anything to do with you. You might think these things are hard to understand. You might even question other people’s motivations at times. But none of these things change the reality that they are your problems.

The King in charge does not want to deal with these things all by Himself. He wants to involve you.

Don’t worry about what “team” the world wants you to be on.

If you are more angered by how another “team” is responding to a big problem in life, then I am afraid you are part of the problem, my child.

Your lives and the purpose of your church family are like a movie trailer for what is to come in the next life.

If you aren’t careful you are going to naturally join your own little tribe, camp or political party and live out something that is the very opposite of what your King desires.

So do not be disconnected. You have to actually reach out to those needing comfort. Your mom and dad have not given you a good picture of this, but we promise to do better.

Also, remember that these are things you can’t do online. You have to be physically present with the brokenhearted. You need to stay close. Be in their space.

Sometimes it will be hard to walk in the shoes of those who are hurting the most. Again — you don’t know what you don’t know.

Right now you are growing up in a home with both a Mom AND a Dad in the house. Not every child has this privilege. You guys can’t even begin to understand the benefits and advantages to growing up with 2 parents — but you will one day.

Right now you are growing up in a country that is NOT in the midst of a civil war. Many other children experience bomb blasts every night and the sights of dead people laying in the streets every morning. It is a privilege that you will never have to worry about trying to erase these images from your little minds.

And unlike some of your cousins, you will grow up NEVER having to wonder if you are going to get in trouble or be looked at oddly just because of the color of your skin. You have the privilege of never having to worry about knowing what that is like.

None of these things should be privileges, of course. They should be automatic human rights. They are the kinds of things your country’s founding fathers listed off as important for everyone to have. But the world is broken and can’t be made new until you decide to do something to fix it.

Do not ever feel like you have to be sorry for any of these privileges, by the way. Just be sure to take a posture that lets the people around you with less privilege know that you see them and hear them.

Recognizing your good fortune and privilege over someone else is not the same thing as apologizing for it.

And this recognizing begins by showing the hurt people what you are for rather than what you are against.

Your mom and Dad are for people of color who are hurting. We are for the police who lay their lives down every day for people they’ve never met.

We want you to draw circles rather than lines.

We want you to be willing to name the hurt that others are going through. You will never understand everything from other people’s point of view.

But you can always listen.

You can’t always control what is happening around you — but you can always control how you respond.

“ When adversity strikes, that’s when you have to be the most calm. Take a step back, stay strong, stay grounded and press on.” ― LL Cool J

No matter how much things melt down. No matter how bad circumstances get. No matter how much your world changes.

You always have the ability to take control of your story.

For some people your efforts will never be good enough. Some people just want to watch the world burn. You cannot control what they say, think, or do — but you can always control how you respond to them.

You are going to fail people sometimes. There will be seasons when you catch your heart becoming harder instead of softer.

No matter how many rules you follow or how you think you are acting compared to the people around you, you will still fight icky stuff both inside of you and outside of you that will always be there.

And it’s not just because you guys are white. It’s because you are human.

This is why you need forgiveness and mercy — not a magical wand waved over you by some other people group or leader — to be truly transformed.

When this happens you guys need to remember, as ever, that even though you don’t know what you don’t know, your King is committed to not letting you stay that way if you will walk along side him.

It is the King and only the King who can continually wash you clean, give you a new set of glasses, help the ones who are hurting most, and grow into the kinds of big people that are prepared to spend forever with Him.

These things have gone on long before you were born and they will continue long after you are gone. You may not be the period at the end of the sentence, but you can be a sentence in a story that is making all things new.

Do not ask yourself why things are the way they are. Ask the question behind the question — what can you do about it?

If you’ve made it this far — thanks for reading.

I know I am not doing enough. We need more than “thoughts and prayers” right now, but I am praying daily that we would be given the right wisdom and courage to continue moving forward.

Clearly, we have much to learn. And we’re working on that. But in the meantime, publishing this article felt like the right way to spend my treasure.

If you are a person of color, I want to know, how would you encourage me to talk to my kids?

I don’t know what I don’t know — but I’m listening.

Here’s how you can get the rest of my writing.

Ryan Douglas Martin resides in a northern suburb of Dallas, TX with his wife Katie and four children Kaisley Grace, Elijah Wyatt, Judah West, and June Selah. He helps operate a family construction company by day. He’s on Instagram, Twitter, LinkedIn, and occasionally Facebook. Though he’s probably never had an original thought, he possesses an omnivorous appetite for the insights of teachers much smarter than Him and he enjoys spreading their work widely. He is a Storyteller, and his mission is to help bring value to people by exploring, explaining and building community.