Summary

The article suggests that instead of trying to fix her husband, a wife should encourage and support him to pursue his own adventures and personal growth, which can lead to positive changes in their marriage.

Abstract

The article addresses the frustration of a wife who feels her husband is not living up to her expectations and the person she envisioned growing old with. It proposes that rather than attempting to change him through external means, she should help him find and engage in a personal quest that challenges him and aligns with his inner desires. This approach involves listening to his aspirations, validating his dreams, and actively supporting him in taking steps towards achieving his goals. The author argues that by being his guide and biggest fan, the wife can help reignite a sense of purpose and adventure in her husband, which can transform his outlook and, in turn, improve their relationship. The process may be gradual, but it can lead to a renewed partnership where both spouses feel valued and excited about their shared journey.

Opinions

The author believes that every man has an inherent need for a journey or adventure that is risky yet rewarding.
It is suggested that a husband's lack of engagement or growth in a marriage may be due to him being stuck in a comfortable but unfulfilling routine.
The article emphasizes the importance of a wife's role in helping her husband rediscover his passion and purpose, which can be a catalyst for positive change in the marriage.
The author posits that by supporting her husband's endeavors, the wife can become a crucial part of his personal growth story, reinforcing her position as his anchor and ally.
The article implies that a husband's transformation can lead to a shift in priorities, attitudes, and daily interactions, ultimately strengthening the marital bond.
It is the author's view that small, consistent "micro adventures" can accumulate into a larger sense of fulfillment and direction for the husband, with the wife's encouragement being key to this process.
The author suggests that the husband does not need to be "fixed" but rather needs support to rediscover his own path to heroism and fulfillment within the context of their marriage.

Stop attempting to fix your husband— try this instead

I totally get it. You’re frustrated.

And rightfully so.

The man you said your “I do’s” to doesn’t seem to be maturing into the man you pictured growing old with.

As life brings your marriage through the crucible of time, the person with whom you share a bed and a home appears to be traveling on a different trajectory than the path you had hoped for back when you tied the knot.

A long time ago he was your best friend, but now you wonder if he even shares your highest values anymore — if he does, it’s hard to see them being put into practice.

He doesn’t show signs of caring about the things that matter most to you and the more you press him about the differences that are eating away at you the more he retreats.

You’ve tried appealing to him.

You’ve talked with your friends or family about the problems.

You’ve read books, listened to podcasts and watched marriage conferences online.

And nothing seems to be gaining you any traction.

You don’t want to jump ship but you can’t imagine your situation persisting much longer.

Where do you go from here?

Help him find his adventure

Whether he’s aware of it or not, your husband yearns for a journey.

I don’t simply mean a trip to Vegas. And I’m not talking about vacation.

His inner man is desperate to embark on a voyage that is soaked in risk. He needs a personal quest — an expedition that has a high level of discomfort built into it, but one that also brings an opportunity for high reward.

It doesn’t matter how your spouse is wired, or what his interests are. This is an element that is woven into the fabric of his being.

Like Luke Skywalker on Tatooine, Frodo in the Shire, or Harry Potter in his Aunt & Uncle’s Attic, your man might simply be trapped in a figurative ordinary world that he needs help leaving.

And just like each of those characters — his story cannot come to life until he has heeded the call to a higher adventure.

His ordinary world is comfortable, familiar and produces expected outcomes — but it doesn’t produce the heroic life that he was intrinsically created for.

What his universe had told him would make him a successful citizen has now come close to breaking him instead.

What your marriage might need is for you to be his guide back to the grander story that his soul craves.

Just ask

How do you guide him?

Consider the aspirations he would bring into the conversations you had when you were first dating.

What were the experiences he thought he would have had by now?

Is there a skill he’s always wanted to master? Is there a mountain he’s always wanted to climb? (Figuratively or literally?)

Ask him again.

Seriously. Take him out on a date, ask him questions…and listen.

Validate him. Tell him you could still see him accomplishing those things.

Marinate on his answers and surprise him by circling back again and again with tactics for getting started on them. Remove all obstacles and take away all of his excuses. Be his biggest fan.

Brag about him in front of his friends as he dips his toe in the water.

It might be more than one feat — in fact it might be many different feats.

It could be a process, but eventually if you see it through with a sincere heart you will begin to notice something.

A peculiar brand of anxiety will emerge — a good kind — the kind that is born of a goal that was once forgotten or thought impossible.

Once a goal like that is perceived to be within reach, he will become infected with this good anxiety.

He will be filled with hope and he will find his why. And it will spill over into everything in his world — including you.

As the initiator and co-conspirator of the new engine that drives him, you will reveal what has been true all along — that you are his anchor. That you have his best in mind, and that you are FOR him.

And because you helped him set sail on this new journey he will want you along side him as his co-pilot.

It might be like course correcting the Titanic — something that doesn’t happen very swiftly or quickly — but eventually your priorities will become his priorities.

His disposition will change. His attitude toward you will change. The way he wakes up everyday will be different, and your conversations will be different.

He will realize that you’re both still not only on the same team but his best chance for finding his destination is by having you navigate the journey alongside him.

Give him enough micro adventures and he’ll start to realize that he is actually living his own macro adventure…and it’s because of you.

Venture to do this, and at some point along the way you will find that this man didn’t need to be fixed…he just needed you.

Ryan resides in Lantana, TX with his wife Katie and four children Kaisley Grace, Elijah Wyatt, Judah West, and June Selah. He works for a large construction management firm in the commercial building industry by day.

Ryan enjoys reading, writing, and just about anything that takes place outdoors. Though he’s probably never had an original thought, he possesses an omnivorous appetite for the insights of teachers much smarter than Him and he enjoys spreading their work widely. He is a Storyteller, and his mission is to help bring value to people by exploring and explaining.

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