Your Marriage Is Headed For Landmines
These 7 Maneuvers Will Help You Avoid Them
“We are, all of us, utterly committed and deeply devoted to our “style”, our “way”, our “approach to life.”
We have absolutely no intention of giving it up. Not even for love. So God creates an environment where we have to. It’s called marriage.”
-John Eldredge
I officiated my first Pandemic wedding last month.
It was obviously not the original plan.
I had been given the impromptu request by family members to take my best swing at putting together a brief yet memorable Christian ceremony for them.
This couple’s original intentions had been chewed up and spit out by The Covid Monster. Rather than finding themselves crossing the finish line of a magical and hopeful wedding season this time of year, they instead were forced to pivot like so many others in recent months.
I am a supportive family member for this couple, and I am also a passionate believer in the power of marriage.
I believe in it’s potential for good not only for the individuals being wed, but also as a building block for a healthy, strong and flourishing society.
So I happily agreed to do my part in helping them downshift things into their Plan B.
However, I have a personal conviction and non-negotiable condition for agreeing to officiate any Christian wedding: The couple must have already been through or be willing to undergo some version of pre-marital counseling.
If I am to ceremoniously stand before God and formalize the union of two souls for eternity — I want to be sure they’ve been prepped for battle.
Every marriage is guaranteed to travel over landmines.
The world would have us think that marital perfection is attainable — Hollywood and Instagram and People Magazine would have us believe there exists out there somewhere for each of us the perfect fairy tale marriage.
If Cupid has shot us with the right arrow then love will conquer all.
This same pipe dream claims that in the fairy tale lands of yesteryear, a long time ago in a galaxy far, far away, back in Mayberry when everything was black and white — there are marriages living happily ever after.
That is all a bunch of rubbish.
A Perfect Marriage Is Not Possible
Our actual world — the one we are living in — is saturated with a broken humanity trying to make our way amidst a fallen universe.
There is no such thing as a perfect marriage, but there is such a thing as a good marriage — a sound marriage.
If you find yourself with the knot already tied or are planning to do so at some point in the future, I am here to extend an olive branch.
A sound marriage is within your grasp.
It is feasible that even with your relationship’s imperfections and flaws, even with the formidable challenges headed your way, you can still craft a life giving covenant partnership that survives against all odds. It is possible to foster a relationship which spills over in love and brings health and life into the world around you.
A sound marriage is not the result of Cupid’s efforts or a legally binding contract. It does not sprout from a 50/50 agreement between two people who have consented to “try their very best at making things work out.”
Feelings come and go. Backgrounds collide. Motivations are questioned. Needs and expectations are guaranteed to not be met. Selfishness will always boil to the surface eventually.
These are not the marks of a failing marriage — they are the marks of every marriage.
The difference between the unions that thrive versus the ones that die are often related to one key element: a well constructed foundation of foresight, planning, and intention.
Like a strong company, a healthy body, or a successful career, a sound marriage does not happen through osmosis. It needs some military instruction and basic training.
It needs a survival kit that can be returned to again and again as inevitable difficulties arise.
7 Tactics For Navigating Landmines As A Married Team
“If you’re proactive, you focus on preparing. If you’re reactive, you end up focusing on repairing.”
-John C. Maxwell
Eternal love is not about infatuation or lust. It is an active love. It transforms. It is a decision made daily.
This sort of love cannot be microwaved — it has to be slow cooked and marinated at high pressures and at high temperatures.
It is the kind of love we are made for but must intentionally invite in on a daily basis in order to experience all of it’s fullness.
If we do not extend this invitation regularly we will be forced to repair the effects of that which could have been avoided.
Below are some low hanging fruit maneuvers to keep handy in your own marital survival kit.
This is by no means meant to be intended as a comprehensive list —instead view it as a helpful inventory of resolutions you can make right now to help safeguard your marriage.
1. Amputate the words “Always” and “Never” from your vocabulary.
“You ALWAYS criticize me!” “You NEVER compliment me!”
I’m going to save you some suspense and point out the obvious — your spouse is not perfect.
Their inadequacies and flaws are going to bubble up at some point. They will fail to meet your expectations, but here is the first key to remember:
Failure is an event — not a person — so do not attack their identity over an isolated incident.
Even if there is a pattern to their supposed shortcomings, do not contribute to a narrative which perpetuates that pattern. Choose to speak life over them. Assume the best in them. Deal with the issue at hand and only that issue.
If you commit to eliminating these words from your marital conversations you might be amazed at how much life automatically breathes its way into your relationship.
2. Never use the “D” word.
“Well, maybe we should just get a DIVORCE if you feel that way!”
Resolve to never bring up that word.
Clearly this does not apply to extreme situations — if your spouse is cheating on you, abusing you, or causing you harm in some other way then a legal separation is the right and best option.
Otherwise choose wisdom and eliminate the “D” word at all costs. Let it be off limits.
Threatening to hit the eject button any time you are at odds with each other is a key ingredient in the recipe for cooking up a disastrous marriage. If you ignore this maneuver you will undermine the credibility of the commitment you made on your wedding day.
Avoid this landmine by pledging to never broach the subject of terminating your union. Doing so will greatly reduce the risk of what can sometimes be irreparable damage to your relationship.
3. Never use sex as a weapon or tool.
“If you act this way you are NOT getting any tonight.” “I‘ll let you buy x, y, or z if you give me a little sumthin-sumthin.”
Do not be a child.
The intimacy you and your spouse offer to one another is not a toy for bargaining.
It is not a currency, either.
It is a gift.
It is something to be shared in.
Cheapening it with veiled threats, exploits and manipulations is prostitution sprinkled in sweet n low. Those things are beneath you and what your marriage can be.
You cannot control how your spouse acts towards you in this area but you can control how you respond to them.
Conventional wisdom says to meet your partner half way. Eternal wisdom, however, encourages us to love them ALL the way, in every dimension, including this one.
4. Don’t leave the scene of conflict without notice.
“Work is when you confront the problems you might otherwise be tempted to run away from” ― Rolf Potts
I violated this one early on in my marriage.
Actually, I have failed on all of these maneuvers at one point or another, but I specifically remember one instance of showing my wife the palm of my hand shortly before storming out the front door of our home.
For $1 million I could not even begin to recall what we were arguing about.
Stonewalling or leaving in the heat of the battle mid-argument is bush league.
You may have moments where you are bordering on eruption. Those emotions are not an excuse to bail unannounced.
If you need to hit the pause button then voice that to your spouse and agree to return when all of the raging has simmered.
Bullies storm off and cowards run away. Participants in a sound marriage see things through to their resolution.
5. Do not hold “summit meetings.”
“Time doesn’t heal emotional pain, you need to learn how to let go.” ― Roy T. Bennett
This is inextricably linked to the concept detailed above in maneuver #1.
Avoid unloading your closet of wrongs to your spouse for every offense they have ever committed. Keep short accounts.
Your spouse forgetting to take out the trash is not an opportunity to bring up the bill they forgot to pay 6 months ago.
Show them you are a forgiving partner by being one. You can cultivate an atmosphere of trust and safety if your counterpart does not have to constantly worry they could stand trial for their entire life at any given moment.
Address the topic and move on. Avoid prosecuting them for what remains in the past.
6. Don’t bring others into your conflict.
“People are getting smarter nowadays; they are letting lawyers, instead of their conscience, be their guide.”
-Will Rogers
You and your spouse are not participants in a reality television show. There are no producers, no hosts, and hopefully, no cameras.
So avoid betraying the trust of your partner by letting others in on your fight just because it makes you feel better.
Do not hire your friend to be your attorney. Do not call your mom anytime your partner has disappointed you.
If you need to seek some outside counsel then let it be with an impartial guide whom both of you have preemptively agreed has license to listen and speak truth into your relationship.
7. Agree on the way you will discuss conflicts ahead of time.
“Failing to prepare is preparing to fail.”
-John Wooden
No successful human overcomes challenge without intention.
The winning coach engineer’s their team’s success through meticulous strategy. The successful business leader has planned for every obvious obstacle in her company’s path. The victorious general achieves victory only after thinking through his opponent’s every possible attack.
A sound marriage is no different — so why would you not also prepare your relationship accordingly?
Establish rules for engagement. Set appointed times for resolving problems.
Where will the battles of your marriage take place and how will you go about them?
Agree on the things you will never say to one another. Who will your guides be?
These things may seem overkill but a sensible plan for conflict when you are of sound mind leads to sensible results when you are not.
By agreeing how you will disagree you are setting your marriage up with the capability to sidestep even the most dangerous of landmines.
If you don’t arm yourself with these weapons then your marriage will be in some hot waters.
It’s never too late to begin putting these into practice.
If you resolve to never show up to your relationship on autopilot, and instead are convicted to share, grow, and end each day with one another incrementally different than you began, then you can survive the landmines headed your way.
When you start treating each other appropriately, the universe has a way of directing you into the flow of what God wants to accomplish in your relationship.
There is a lot you do not control. But there is plenty you do. Own the easy stuff.
If you adopt these tactics your marriage can become a walking, breathing billboard for others to follow.
Here’s how you can get the rest of my writing.
Ryan Douglas Martin resides in a northern suburb of Dallas, TX with his wife Katie and four children Kaisley Grace, Elijah Wyatt, Judah West, and June Selah. He helps operate a family construction company by day. He’s on Instagram, Twitter, LinkedIn, and occasionally Facebook. Though he’s probably never had an original thought, he possesses an omnivorous appetite for the insights of teachers much smarter than Him and he enjoys spreading their work widely. He is a Storyteller, and his mission is to help bring value to people by exploring, explaining and building community.
