Turn Dinner Into a Delightful Debauchery

Up the ante on date night: A not-so-innocent dinner idea

During a recent talk with a good friend about food and its connection to sex, they asked what I would cook for someone if I wanted to seduce them.

I thought long and hard (…) about it, and while I have several delicious recipes up my sleeve, and do like cooking for a lover, there are few things I enjoy more than creating a meal together: Picking out and preparing the ingredients, looking up recipes and adding our own spin to them—all while enjoying stolen kisses and sips from a nice bottle of wine.

I’ve written about the connection between creativity and sexuality, and food, much like sex, is an ideal avenue through which to let our (creative) juices flow.

Ever since I started mingling with other sex-positive folks, my creativity’s been burgeoning as well. Sharing thoughts and fantasies with others allow our minds to expand to new possibilities.

It was during such an exchange that a friend told me about his favorite version of a naughty dinner; to use the veggies as toys with his lover and then cook a meal with them later.

—Ooooo, what a delightfully perverted idea! (Perverted being a compliment in my book.)

This is exactly the kind of debased imagination that gets me going; I was literally drooling all over his sumptuously wicked brain. Had the gentleman been more than a friend, I might have invited myself for dinner. Instead, I’m using his story to influence my own delectable meal:

The purpose of this recipe is to spark culinary (s)explorations—and, seeing I seem to have a hugely uninvestigated food fetish, is definitely something I’m adding to my sexy bucket list.

I was first going to save this suggestion for Valentine’s day, but then, I remembered how I find the whole day pretty phony—we don’t need Hallmark to give us an excuse to treat ourselves and our loved ones.

If you allow your brain to go there, you could be having sex all the time.

Do it because you want to—do it because it’s Tuesday—do it whenever, cus why the hell not?

You may alter the following to fit your tastes and preferences:

Ingredients

• Something delicious to drink | Personally, I’m a wino, but anything goes. Less-is-more when it comes to alcohol, as you want to keep your senses alert.
• A spread of appetizers | Think tapas-style or the appetizer tray at your favorite wine bar; look for the stuff you can buy mostly pre-made from the deli-section, like olives, capers, sun-dried tomatoes, and marinated artichokes, etc.
• Everything you need to make ratatouille from scratch| I’m not a recipe writer, so you’re going to have to look one up yourself or use this one — it’s vegan and calls for one very large carrot…
• Dessert stuff | As with the appetizer, the point here is to spend less time cooking and more time plating and eating, so opt for easy and delicious. Chocolate sauce, whipped cream, and berries are classics, but feel free to deviate (always). A licorice aficionado, I have a bottle of sweet licorice sauce waiting to be used for this exact purpose.
• A few things to set the ambiance | A candle-addict, my home doesn’t feel complete in the evening without them. Flowers are nice too!

1. Shop for groceries together

Meeting in the grocery store might not sound super steamy, but don’t be fooled. With your mind well planted in the gutter, everything can be sex—or foreplay — which is also part of sex (or is it?).

If you allow your brain to go there, you could be having sex all the time.

When choosing the ingredients for the ratatouille, apart from the obvious (spices, herbs, tomatoes), go on a search for the most phallic veggies you can find. This is bound to make your shopping trip a giggly adventure.

Remember that apart from eating, laughing together is one of the sexiest, non-sex activities there are.

2. Set the scene

Arriving home, make sure your place is comfy, tidy and nicely lit. Never underestimate the importance of the mood: You can’t enjoy a sensual meal in a messy setting.

Turn up the heat, bring out the candles, tell Alexa to put on some sultry tunes and slip into something more comfortable—or potentially out of everything you’re wearing. Embody Jamie Oliver’s tagline; be the naked chef!

3. Amuse (the) Bouche

The literal translation of this French word for a small, pre-appetizer, is mouth amuser. Just saying the word out loud amuses my mouth quite a lot: aamuzbuch [ɑmuzˈbuʃ] — it already sounds like a sex act!

Before you get started with the main food prep, amuse the bouche. If you want, you can go further and amuse the bush, or lack thereof — depending on your individual grooming choices.

Never underestimate the importance of the mood.

Do what comes natural, but, may I suggest teasing and tasting each other while throwing some of your tapas into the mix. Then, toast with your drink of choice.

4. Prep and ‘marinate’ your veggies

Now that you’re all warmed up, thoroughly clean and rinse the veggies, and bring out that natural, water-based lube.

Now, play with your food! Have fun, be ridiculous, use your imagination to what you can do with those phallic-looking veggies. Add a dash of common sense—it goes without saying that there are certain places you might not want to insert them (…).

5. Chop your wicked veggies to make the ratatouille

Whether you want to rinse your freshly corrupted veggies again depends on your own comfort level, but I guarantee that chopping and cooking with them, knowing the dirty business they’ve been up to will make the process that much more fun!

Again, giggles are an essential part of sex. Add generous sprinkles—the more the merrier!

Optional plot twist: Once a lover pulled down my pants and fucked me standing up, from behind, while I was stirring the pots. This was super hot, and even more so since my windows point out to the courtyard, so there was a risky, exhibitionistic element to it as well. If you go there unless you’re both multi-orgasmic, I recommend going to the edge, but not over. Maintain the suspense.

6. Be the appetizer platter

While your ratatouille is simmering, unrobe (if you haven’t already), and bring out all of your deli-section appies.

You won't need a tray; you’ll be the tray. Think Roman Orgy and get your lounge on for a bit of delectable debauchery: feed and be fed, eat off-of one another. Let yourself be lavish!

Still, don’t go all the way quite yet. Another essential ingredient in this meal is anticipation.

Apart from eating, laughing together is one of the sexiest, non-sex activities there are.

7. Eat your five-a-day

Your main course is ready! For this part, take a break from your place of lounging, and sit down at your carefully set, and candlelit table. Stare each other deep in the eyes while taking lush spoonfuls of that deliciously defiled dish the two of you created together. Clothing optional.

Laughter and plenty of sly smiles are unavoidable as you lap up the slightly suspect stew.

8. Finally—dessert!

You’ve made it to the pinnacle and it’s time for the pay-off. Because you’ve eaten a light meal with plenty of activity in between, you’re not stuffed or sluggish, but satisfied and ready for the sweet finalé.

Bring your opulent tray of dessert ingredients to your lounge area or bed. You might want to throw down a cover if you’re worried about the mess.

Now, turn each other into your favorite desserts; a banana-split, an ice cream sundae, or a strawberry sponge cake—a piece of hot fudge, dripping in sweet sauce, or perhaps a cream-pie? The world is your oyster!

I once turned my friend into a birthday cake and ate her with my lover, in case you’re looking for further inspiration.

Eat while you cook; taste, lick, suck and sample each other and all of your saucy ingredients. The rest is open for individual artistic interpretations.

Bon appétit!