How to Stop Feeling Lonely and Left Out from “I Don’t Belong”

Learn 5 Ways to Overcome Feeling Unwanted, Depressed and Alienated — so that You can Gain a Sense of True Belonging

When we find ourselves not fitting in, we may conclude that “I don’t belong”. It happens when we perceive that we are different from the people around us. Or we could have observed that we are often left out from social circles and gatherings.

Anyone who constantly experiences “not belonging” can start to feel lonely, unwanted and depressed. The heart feels the abandonment. It is a hollow feeling, as one of my coaching clients describe it. Indeed, a belief of “not belonging” can impact our ability to form close friendships or relationships with others.

It may be that we are not comfortable in our own skin, for a start. Or that we are afraid to become close with others because we fear being hurt. Having certain attributes can also lead us to retreating into caves of isolation.

For example, I have encountered many spiritual seekers who confess to feeling the same way. They liken themselves to be “an alien” on this planet. Because they are more conscious, they find that they are not able to relate much to the people around. Holding on to disconnection, they question what their purpose in life is.

Then, there are also the introverts and empaths. Introverts need plenty of “me” space and alone time whereas empaths find it necessary to protect themselves from getting into an energy drain. Hence, they have the tendency to keep to themselves. However, those who keep to themselves excessively run the risk of reinforcing the belief of “not belonging”. They go through the constant conflict of not knowing how best to engage with the world.

Recognising that It is Okay to Be Different

The fact is: it’s actually “normal” to be different.

After all, there are no two people completely alike.

Problems arise when we start to believe that there is something fundamentally wrong with us. On the inside, we experience self-rejection. We may also believe that we are not worthy of relationships because we are different. On the outside, we cut off connection with others. The result is that we start to feel alone.

Obviously, it is not healthy to hold on to feeling unwanted and the belief of “not belonging”. It is best to release these. We need to honour our need for connection and we accept that we don’t have to be who we are not, in order to connect.

How I Worked Through “I Don’t Belong”

As someone who is - an introvert - a spiritual alchemist - a conscious solopreneur - on her self-discovery journey on planet Earth, I have certainly felt different from others.

There have been many times when I had perceived that “I don’t belong”. After all, not just personality differences, I have also taken an unconventional path from the ones that my close friends have chosen. I was the odd one out with not adopting the same religious views, not working in a corporate job and refusing to buy into commonly held beliefs.

Over the years, I had to work through my issues to be where I am today — embracing myself with a lot less apology. I have realised that it is okay to be myself. Accepting who I am and loving what I do has certainly helped me tremendously!

I’d like to share 5 ways that have worked for me. Hopefully they can be of help to you too. I have included ways that involve working on the inside as well as ideas that can be applied externally.

5 Ways to Let Go of “I don’t Belong”

1. Learning to Love and Accept Ourselves Unconditionally

Let’s realise that we are all unique in our own way. We learn to embrace who we are and to accept that we are different. Even though we are imperfect or not the most attractive or fun to hang out with, we are okay. We apply the F.L.Y. principle — First Love Yourself! When we are able to love and accept ourselves, our ability to love and accept others — who are also unique in their own way — also increases.

We also learn to stop relying on others to meet our needs for love. Letting go of any insecure attachment is going to help. Very importantly, we also understand that there will be times when we are alone but we don’t have to feel lonely. This usually happens where we have learned to be comfortable with being on our own.

2. Releasing any Childhood Abandonment or Rejection Issues

Addressing problems at root cause potentially involves working on releasing the belief of “I don’t belong”. Indeed, holding on to the subconscious belief of “not belonging” can create feelings of sadness, disappointment and disconnection today. The belief is usually rooted in some past issue such as childhood abandonment or rejection when we were young.

It may be that we were rejected in the past by our friends when we were in school or that we felt that there is something wrong with us when we were being singled out as different. Due to these incidents, we might have built a wall of protection around us. It is how we started to hold on to hurt.

In Tania’s case, she reconnected with her younger self to heal childhood wounds. Most certainly, resolving the trauma that led to creating the limiting belief is going to help! I suggest working with a coach or therapist. What would better serve us are new beliefs that are supportive of well-being, happiness and empowerment.

3. Finding Hobbies and Interest Groups that involve Interaction

As we work on releasing the past, we also join activities and social groups which offer us the opportunity to make new friends. It may mean that for a start, we are joining these activities on our own. What would help is to muster some courage and work through the discomfort of showing up alone.

It may be that we need to learn social skills and how to improve our relationships with others. Examples include how to make eye contact, practice empathy and active listening. We can also find a role model to learn from.

Great sites for joining groups to check out: meetup.com or eventbrite.com.

4. Creating Safety around Belonging

It would be helpful to create safety by surrounding ourselves with like-minded people. We give ourselves the chance to be ourselves with those who are friendly, kind and caring. Thus, we allow ourselves to be seen and heard.

Where feelings of isolation start to creep up, we have the option of calling up friends with whom we feel comfortable with to arrange for a meet-up. Search also for groups with similar traits to join — such as people who are introverts, sensitive, empaths etc. It always feels safer to be around those with similar traits and who are more likely to understand us.

5. Aligning with a Sense of Purpose

Finding a purpose can potentially offer more meaning in life. It is how we are able to create a sense of belonging when we are aware that our contribution makes a difference to others. We give ourselves the opportunity to reach out.

To even begin, we don’t first need to know what our higher purpose is. Even if we don’t know what our big “why” is, we can start with doing something small. For example, volunteering to deliver food to the homeless or spending time with an an elderly neighbour down the street. Or even writing an article like this on Medium. Start small to begin to feel better!

Transforming From “Not Belonging” to “I Belong”

Most powerfully, reclaiming any abandoned or rejected parts of ourselves helps us to integrate into wholeness. There is nothing broken or defective about us. Even while we appear to be different from others, we also understand that we are not very different in our needs for love, connection, belonging and acceptance.

To connect with others, we need to open our hearts. We remind ourselves that we are worthy of having close relationships. However, we don’t need to have everyone like us especially where it means that we have to stop being ourselves. It’s far more important to have friends who can like us as we truly are.

The affirmation that can serve us…

It is safe to show up as my authentic self and to also, belong.

In short, self-love and acceptance can go a long way to connecting with others healthily.

Love and abundance always, Evelyn Originally published on Evelyn’s Blog

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