How to Love Yourself When You Don’t Know How: Start Here
How to love yourself when you don’t know how?
Here’s a confession. Some years ago, when I first understood that I needed to love myself without laying down any conditions, I didn’t know where to start. It felt embarrassing to even let others know that I was clueless.
I had thought that Self-Love “ought” to be something common sense: shouldn’t every adult human on this planet already know how to love themselves?
If so, how stupid it would be to ask anyone out there on how to get started.
It’s like admitting that I don’t even know how to breathe.
Going online for answers didn’t help sufficiently either. There was a plethora of advice from taking a massage, going on a relaxing holiday, journaling etc. They all sounded great and easy to implement but unfortunately, the self-rejection I was facing didn’t disappear in a whiff!
I had the following questions… How do I get from self-rejection to unconditional self-acceptance and love, when I am so used to being harsh inwards? How do I get rid of this lousy feeling about myself?
How do I overcome the thinking that I am not good enough to be loved?
Later, as I pondered over it, it suddenly hit me that I can’t expect myself to have the answers; even if it feels like it is something common sense.
After all, “how to love myself unconditionally” is not something that was discussed or modelled at home or in school, when I was young.
Don’t Expect to Know How When It’s New to Us
Through my childhood and growing years, my parents didn’t talk or said anything that is remotely about love — let alone self-love (I don’t blame them, considering they didn’t know any better themselves.)
There was no opportunity to learn from any adults on what it means to love myself unconditionally.
On the contrary, conditions were often set.
Well, not knowing where or how to go about loving myself put me on a journey.
I discovered that there are many aspects to self-love.
Self-love is about
- releasing abandonment and self-rejection,
- setting healthy boundaries,
- healing my inner child,
- letting go of body shaming,
- resolving self-sabotage,
- accepting my introverted nature when the world seems to favour extroverts,
- and so on.
We may understand each aspect conceptually, but there is also the specifics such as the how and reflecting on deeper questions.
How do we set boundaries, for instance? What do we have to do to clearly define our limits? How do we set a limit that is also congruent with my values?
With all the layers, aspects and strategies I had found out, it is obvious that a whole curriculum would need to be written for lessons on how to love myself unconditionally.
What also struck me is that we shouldn’t need to take a degree on psychology or counselling to learn about the importance of self-love for mental health or emotional healing.
Obviously, for those who suffer from deep trauma, they are advised to seek the help of a psychologist. However, for most of us, we can do with more open conversations and basic strategies, so that we can self-help to boost self-love. Thus, we don’t have to wait till we fall into a dark hole before finding out about self-love — exactly how it was like for me once upon a time.
My journey led me to being an advocate for Self-Love. I wrote a book about it too. Self-love may appear to be like breathing but it is also a practice that everyone can learn more about.
Self-Love Starts Here
All in, I’d like to suggest….
1. Avoid shaming yourself if you don’t know how to get started on loving yourself unconditionally.
2. Instead, start looking for answers that will help address your specific issues or situation. (Once you’ve integrated self-love at deep levels, you can potentially find transformation in many areas of your life!)
3.Let’s spark courageous conversations on Self-Love. It’s time that we recognise Self-Love as a key ingredient for mental and emotional health.
If you like to learn more about what it means to love yourself, there is no better time to start.
