Heart-Centered Guidance | Abuse and Healing

How To Stop Feeling Like a Victim

A simple concept that can change your world

Hello, beloved readers and writers! How is everyone? What have you been enjoying, juggling or dealing with — or (d) all of the above — since our last newsletterish?

Please share in the comments so we can celebrate, support and/or commiserate with you!

Last week, I wrote about physical hunger and starvation. I was going to continue the theme of feeding the hungry this week by focusing on feeding our hungry souls.

But something happened between then and now and let’s just say I was guided to share a different message with you today instead. I suppose it is about feeding our souls but in a different way than I had intended.

From Victim to Victory

Wouldn’t it be lovely if everyone could be kind? If we didn’t have to endure the worst that mankind is capable of inflicting upon itself? And if you think about that, it is frighteningly accurate because when we inflict pain on another, we are inflicting pain on ourselves, too.

Even if we can’t see it.

Can we ever achieve a completely kind world? I’d love to believe it could happen someday…however, as positive a person as I am, I have to admit it’s a stretch.

It’s beyond shocking to consider the horrors that can be inflicted by one human being upon another. And I don’t know about you but it bothers me when acts of violence or cruelty are referred to as “people behaving like animals.” It insults creatures that never kill just because they can. Animals do it for survival. They do it if they need food or if their lives or offspring are threatened.

They don’t plot and scheme and conspire to hurt the ones they love, or those who have more than they do. They don’t hire others to do their dirty work. And they don’t deliberately violate trust for their own selfish pleasures, robbing children of their innocence and making the world a terrifying place of abuse.

Over the years in my work as a counsellor, a homeopath and as a psychic/medium, and in my personal life, too, I’ve been stunned to learn how many people have been sexually violated as children. What has been more shocking is that in many cases, they don’t even realise it — as in my own case. As children, we think our environments are “normal.” We think whatever is happening to us must be happening to others.

We’re hard-wired to trust our parents; it is our survival instinct at its strongest. If they are abusive to us as children, we can’t see it. Even if it’s pointed out, we protect and defend them.

I’ll never forget the day the “A” word was dropped right smack in the center of my life. The day a psychologist listened to the reasons for my ending a marriage. He asked questions and listened to some details about my childhood, my upbringing, my life to that point. I shared a bit about the physical and emotional assaults. I mentioned being violated in the most personal ways by various family members, including my mother.

And after he dug further and I shared more, he acknowledged that I had been raped several times as an adult. I had no idea that’s what it was because I’d been taught that my body was for others to do with as they pleased.

I’ll never forget the way the psychologist asked — ever so gently — if I knew I had been abused throughout all the years I’d been on the planet.

In that instant, my world blew to smithereens. My life, everything I’d known, everything I’d believed, everything I’d trusted had been blown apart and was lying in a million little pieces on the floor.

There I stood, staring at them with no clue how to begin to put them back together. It was like looking at a million-piece puzzle without the cover for the box; I had no idea what the picture was supposed to look like.

To add to the challenge, I would have to create an entirely new picture — and with different pieces. But where to start??

I felt like the word “victim” was tattooed on my forehead — on my soul. I wanted to disappear through the floor, so immersed in shame, embarrassment and humiliation I didn’t feel like I deserved to live.

But I had children to raise. And I was a single parent. Again.

And while the pain and awareness of this “A-word” were fresh and raw, I believed that with so much damage to my soul, many of those pieces must be missing anyway, leaving me with gaping holes that would never heal.

But I was wrong. Thank heaven I was wrong.

As far as I was concerned, I was permanently damaged. Broken. I couldn’t stand to have anyone look me in the eye.

I thought I would feel like a victim forever. But that was before I learned why I felt that way in the first place.

Abuse, whether physical, emotional, and/or sexual, makes children feel worthless. They feel dirty, disgusting, inherently flawed and “bad.” In their egocentricity, they believe they deserve every rotten thing that happens to them.

In their trusting little hearts, they cannot differentiate between the abhorrent behaviour of an adult and their own value and perfection as spiritual beings.

Chances are that they will carry these beliefs into adulthood and will continue to find relationships that are unhealthy. They’ll find partners who treat them in a way that validates what they believe about themselves. They’ll hook up with partners who demean them, are controlling, abusive or toxic in some way because in the deepest parts of their wounded souls, they believe this is all they deserve.

This is exactly why I ended up having six marriages — only one of which I actually wanted when it came time for the wedding. Sadly, it was the one that ended in the worst kinds of betrayal and cost me everything I’d ever worked for.

For those who have been abused as children, they can finally begin to take back their power when they understand that they did not deserve the abuse and it was not their fault. When they take first steps toward healing the damage to their self-esteem, self-image, and self-worth and understand that the perpetrators of the abuse were at fault, they feel an emerging sense of strength and value.

Imagine you’re wearing beautiful new clothes that you love. You think you look great. You feel fab in your new threads, confident and seriously hot.

You see a complete stranger who says, “I wouldn’t be caught dead wearing that! It doesn’t look good on you at all.”

These words might slam you right in the center of your self-doubt and insecurity and make you question your choice. However, as this opinion came from a complete stranger, you might be more inclined to become angry and indignant. Who the heck is this moron? Who asked for his opinion? And who gives a rat’s @$$ what he thinks anyway?

But then your partner sees you, wrinkles his nose and says, “Oh, I don’t like that at all.” You’re crushed. You wanted him to think you look splendiferous. Your best friend says, “Hm, I guess it’s okay for you but it’s nothing I would ever wear.” Or “Yep, your bum really does look big in that!”

Your confidence is completely shattered. You might consider taking your new clothes back to the shop. You think you look like an idiot and don’t want anyone else to see you like this. You throw your new clothes in a bag or kick the damn things under the bed, deciding you’ll never shop again. I mean, clearly, you haven’t got a clue what looks good on you.

Why Do We Do This?

It is human nature to want to please the people we love. We want their acceptance and approval, at least in some ways. It’s another of those hard-wired bits. We’re designed to live in a herd, so to speak; we need each other to survive.

This is why we take the actions and opinions of others to heart. And if you’ve been abused or belittled enough in the past, this is why you feel like you deserve that treatment as an adult, too. It’s why you believe you’ve done something to make people treat you that way.

“There’s something wrong with me. If only I hadn’t done this or that. If they did this disgusting thing to me, that must mean I am a disgusting person.” Or “I deserved it; I should have known better.”

This is the kind of thinking that leads to feeling like a victim. “Come on, do it to me again, I deserve it.” And this is how that person keeps finding people who will validate the belief, “I’m a victim. I am trapped, helpless, and powerless.”

It is only when we understand that what other people do to us is not about us. Their choices are their own. And if they’ve chosen to be abusive, they are the only ones responsible for that decision. Even when a partner has had enough and leaves, the abuser will go on to abuse others.

And without proper treatment, the “victim” will go on to find more partners who will perpetuate the cycle.

We enter this world as pure and perfect spirits in little human bodies. We do not deserve abuse of any kind by anyone at any time. And therefore, we are not “victims” unless we choose to think of ourselves that way.

There are some people who prefer to live like that. Even though they were finally told the abuse was not their fault. Even though they have heard that there is hope and help and that they don’t have to feel like that anymore.

But they prefer their “victimhood.” It allows them to stay stuck, to get attention, to get sympathy, or to be dependent. It allows them to wait to be rescued and not take responsibility for their own lives, their own healing, or their own happiness.

For those of us who want to be happy, to move forward in life and to find peace and healing, we reject holding onto the sins that have been committed against our perfect souls, because to do anything else is to perpetuate them ourselves.

To believe we’re victims is to keep ourselves trapped in that toxic cycle.

We seek wellness. We find our strength. We stand up for ourselves and refuse to allow any further attacks on our vulnerability, which is so precious, so beautiful and so perfect.

There is hope. And I can promise you, there is healing. The first step is wanting it and being open to receiving it.

The invitation this week is to write about any aspect of what I shared above. In particular, I would love to see your submissions about how to heal those wounds and how to not let the scars impact your life in a negative way. Have you had experience with this? Have you watched a loved one struggle with some aspect of these issues? Have you been the one who feels flawed and is fighting to create a better life?

What has proved to be helpful? What insights can you share? How have you turned these challenges into your superpower?

Please celebrate our growth with me! After all, it’s your beautiful hearts, souls and words that are the reason for it — and I am deeply grateful to those of you who take an interest whether by contributing as a writer, a reader, and/or by supporting this lovely Pub Family in any way at all.

Hope, Healing and Humour — 127 followers

Yay! Shorties But Goodies passed another milestone — 201 this week!

Witchy’s picked up a handful of new followers! She’s up to 48! After I told her, she twirled through my cottage so much, she made me dizzy in seconds. I don’t know why she never gets dizzy!

If you’d like to see what she’s all about and support her pub with a follow, you can do both here (and she will be eternally grateful! — and twirly):

And as usual, she wanted to contribute to the newsletterish so you’ll see her, um, “submission” after the list of stories below.

Update on the “Unusual Interview” Series:

As you will know from a previous newsletterish or two, on Sunday I kicked off my series to interview our splendiferous Pub Family. The first one was of our beloved Vidya (if you missed it, it’s in the list below and wow, she surprised me with even more cool stuff I didn’t know about her!).

To make a long-ish story short, Witchy asked if she could interview someone. And because of her reason for asking…well…I told her she could do all of them.

It occurred to me later that given my interview questions, I might not have set the best example 🙄 so…uh…well, there’s no telling what might happen. 🤦🏻‍♀️

We’ll see how she gets on with interviewing Sally Prag this coming Sunday.

Oh, dear. 😳

A Special Note

Before I dive into the stories that have been published in HHH and SBG in the past week, I want to take a moment to honour one of our most prolific Pub Family members. Kris Bedenian has graced us with sooooo many of her inspiring and uplifting pieces, publishing many more articles on both pubs than anyone else — including me!

Last week, I came across one of her stories that left me in floods of tears. She didn’t publish it in either of my pubs so it wouldn’t normally appear in the list below. But because she has shared so much of her journey with us and has been such a huge part of our beautiful Pub Family, I had to share.

It is so heart-wrenching, so poignant — in my opinion, a must-read for all of us.

Please take a few moments to read this incredible story and be sure to offer 50 claps and a loving comment in support of our dear Kris:

Now…once you’ve collected yourself after that…on to the week’s stories!

JF Danskin offers a short piece on stat-checking — and what he prefers instead:

Christina Sponias shares thoughts on the power of meaningful words, especially when spoken to those who are upset:

Umme Salma has given us another instalment in the life of “Stella” on how respect can be lost — and won again.

Neha Sonney, Author offers a beautiful poem and a heartfelt view of how simple it could be to make the world a better place:

She also offers a lovely poem with an important reminder, and so beautifully said:

Nicole Hilbig has a fantastic idea to help generate ideas for writing — whether alone or in a group. Love this for groups in particular!

Mary V offers a lovely and insightful message to help feed your soul:

When writing, Niall Leah can’t do without this one “something” — how about you?

Vashni Stories shares a sweet story about sunlight — I love this cheery piece:

Yana Bostongirl offers a fantastic and insightful piece about men and vulnerability:

Karen Schwartz had an ambitious three-month goal on New Year’s Day. Let’s celebrate her fantastic accomplishments! Take a peek!

Victoria Gregg has an important reminder about something too easily forgotten — and it’s something that has a profound impact on our happiness and wellbeing:

Your somewhat-dopey editor shared a somewhat-dopey interview with Vidya Sury, Collecting Smiles:

I’ve also shared some information on a condition that not a lot of people have actually heard of, even though many people live with it (like yours truly) and it can completely trash your sleep:

And now…Witchy wants to share something from her brand new (as of yesterday), hot-off-the-press TikTok account!! She apologises for her not-very-good previous logo; she is working on creating new pictures with the fab one she got recently. Maybe you’ll follow her?

Here’s one of her super short videos:

(Editor’s note: No idea why there’s a big gap at the bottom of this video…??! Can’t seem to fix it! If you scroll for a day or two, there’s a little note at the end of it. Video courtesy of Witchy)

Thanks so much again to our excellent Pub Family. I appreciate you and am honoured that you choose to submit your beautiful words to Hope, Healing and Humour, and to Shorties But Goodies. Here are our current writers:

Dr Andrea Polzer Kris Bedenian Rodney Brazier Patti Murray Voncannon Carrie Kolar Croix Sather Deb Fiore Dina Alexander DL Nemeril Donnette Anglin, Loren Lieberthal Jimmy Misner Jr. Judy Millar Julie Gaeta Pene Hodge Karen Schwartz James Knight Laura Izquierdo Dr. Preeti Singh Radhika Iyer Sam Branstner Sharon Sayler, Author Umme Salma Susie Kearley Tamil T Mann Vidya Sury, Collecting Smiles Lion~ Wendy S. Bradfield Yana Bostongirl Jo An Fox-Wright Maddox Suma Narayan Penny Walsh Shameem Anwar Irene Fassler Sandy Peckinpah Trista Signe Ainsworth Slow train A.H. Mehr Alex Frederickson Ashley Nicole B.R. Shenoy Carolyn Hastings Christina Christine Vann, MSc. Ellie Jacobson ✍🏻 The Soulful Scribbler Isabel Young Kaz Rochford Nia Simone McLeod Nicole Hilbig Patricia Wright Pam Winter Rachella Angel Page Jodian Marie Thomas, MS, Bsc, Asc L Burton Muhammad Abdullah Kate Aries Danielle Hestand Sahil Patel Jessica Rabel Sharing Words Malky McEwan Belinda Castle Barbara Cook Tyra Jaide Megan Llorente Eko BP Drashti Shroff Evergreen Eden Bernie Pullen Hamsalekha Rhea Anglesey CARMEN F MICSA Robin Oakman Mary Vraa Libby Shively McAvoy Kristina God Niall Leah Debbra Lupien, Voice of the Akashic Records Toya Qualls-Barnette June Kirri Vashni Stories Dawn :) Divya Goswami BichoDoMato Evon Carole Olsen Cosmin Firta Jennifer Dunne Kylie van Gelder Neha Sonney, Author Christina Sponias Ian Hanson Ira Robinson JF Danskin Patrick OConnell Mary V Elvie Lins❤️ Carmellita Roopleen