How To Overcome Social Anxiety
3 steps and 2 mindset shifts.
I used to have social anxiety.
I was always the shy, introverted kid through my k-12 years.
I actually never kissed a girl in high school. I never went on a date, went to a football game or party. And I only went to prom because my best friend pushed me into the girl I had a crush on and in a rare moment I didn’t let my anxiety steal my body, I asked her to be my date.
During my freshman year of college, I knew I had to make a change. I felt more alone than I ever had because I moved away from my friends. And I still hadn’t kissed a girl.
I read books and watched Youtube videos about dating and relationships as much as I could — during breaks at school, while I was eating, and at night when I’d normally be watching tv or playing video games.
I would go to the mall by myself, walk around school, while at the gym, and start conversation with any and everyone. In a matter of months, I went on multiple dates and had my first kiss. The following summer I lost my virginity (finally).
I got a job at Starbucks a couple of months after that and talked to every customer that came into the shop — It didn’t matter if they looked happy, sad, angry, or hurried. I talked to singles and couples, the elderly and the infant.
My first girlfriend was a customer and I was known as the most charismatic amongst my colleagues.
Enough about me, right?
1. What Are You Afraid Of?
Self-inquiry can help you investigate your thought patterns and beliefs about socializing and your self-image in social situations and interactions.
Understand many don’t have the same feelings of fear and anxiety in social situations. Your beliefs affect how you feel. Many people love socializing. It’s their coping mechanism and a hobby of self-expression.
Mental Shifts
So we need to change how we think about socializing and how we view ourselves in interactions.
Approval
My biggest hurdle to overcoming social anxiety was approval seeking.
I was the nice, quiet guy because I didn’t like all eyes on me, I didn’t like confrontation, and I didn’t want anyone to not like me and isolate me from the group.
But my cautious and timid demeanor lost me respect amongst my peers and girls I was attracted to and left me more miserable, discombobulated, and alone than I was previously.
I don’t suggest overcompensating timid behavior with expressive gestures. You’ll become the “try-hard, loud, annoying” one of the group. Instead, simply let go of approval and your feelings and actions will be intuitive, socially.
Realize the thoughts and opinions of another will not kill you. Even if you were the most disliked person in the world, you will not die (unless you were murdered which is very unlikely).
Fear of being alone or seeking approval to boost how we feel about ourselves leaves us vulnerable to outside factors.
Take your power back. Release the need to be liked to like yourself. Think for yourself.
Some will not like you for who you are. The inverse is also true: you may not like others for who they are. Become approval-granting and choose your friendships and partners based on your personality and values.
In other words, become the buyer, not the seller. You interrogate and read the details of every tv before you buy it. The tv isn’t screening you and giving you permission to purchase it.
Many fears will be released and you will feel less anxious and more peace, confidence, and joy (socially) when you let go of approval and realize you won’t die if people like or dislike you.
Competitive Vs Collaborative Frame
Many go into social situations comparing themselves to others.
“I’m cooler than him.
“I may not be as cool as him.
“I’m prettier than her.”
“I’m not as pretty as her.”
A collaborative frame is more effective than a competitive one. Competitive mindsets are tense, violent, on edge. Collaborative mindsets are accepting, kind, team-oriented.
Competition is appropriate for sports, video games, and war; not at the bar, club, or a small house party.
We understand what completion looks like, but what about collaboration?
Collaboration views others as all equal. It doesn’t judge or criticize. It believes a human is a human. It strives to give and build positive energy. It doesn’t look to take or gain approval or status for one’s self-perception.
Alter your overarching outlook about socializing and notice how expressive, excited, and free you become.
2. Your Brain Needs Proof, Not Promises
The above mindset shifts are great and they’ve helped me and I believe they will help you. But a belief can’t become so without evidence.
I can’t tell myself I’m good at basketball if I’ve never played the game before.
Likewise, I can’t tell myself “don’t care what people think. I approve of myself. I’m the buyer. I’m not scared. I’m good at socializing” if I have no proof to back up these claims.
This is why affirmations don’t work. Your brain knows it’s lying.
So the only way to cement new beliefs is to gain reference experiences — also known as — socialize, a lot.
3. How To Manage Fear
Mindset shifts — check.
Understand brain needs proof, not promises — check.
Socialize, a lot, to gain reference experiences — uhhhh…
To conceptually comprehend the article thus far is easy. To actually implement it is difficult.
I spent months reading and watching videos before I ever talked to someone. “All I need is that one line to give me the courage to overcome my heart from punching through the middle of my chest.”
In the heat of the moment, you’re going to experience fear. This is normal. Your previous beliefs have been hardwired into your mind and body through years of repetition.
I promise it’ll take less time to experience a less fearful reality. But the fear itself will prevent you from taking action to experience this new reality.
Self-compassion is the best way to manage fear and anxiety in the moment. And, it improves your confidence without external approval (mindset #1).
Self-compassion is the virtue of being kind to yourself. It’s more effective than affirmations because it’s a way of being, not a tactic.
Use your inner dialogue to soothe your anxiety. “It’s OK. Everything’s going to be OK. Breathe. Relax. You got this.”
By talking to yourself in a gentle, kind, encouraging tone, you combat self-judgment and alter your self-perception without outside approval.
Also, with a bit of momentum, you’ll feel more empowered to tackle your fears and improve in all areas of your life.
You & I Are The Same
We’re all human.
You, me, your neighbor, and worst enemy are all the same.
Anything I can do, you can do.
I overcame social anxiety (or know how to manage it better).
You can too.
The path will positively affect all areas of your life for the Hero’s Journey improves the person as a whole.
Pat yourself on the back often.
Good luck.
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